A
female
age
41-50,
*issyB
writes:I am desperately unhappy. I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old child. For the first two years everything was great. he has never been very good at anything domestic, ie paying bills or doing DIY, but I just accepted this as part of who he is. However as the years have gone on he has become increasing lazy. I have to nag at him to get anything done, and even then most of the time my efforts are futile. We moved house in August and he has done barely anything in the house, depsute being unemployed and at a loose end. All he seems to want to do is nap during the day or sit online watching Youtube videos. To top things off he has suffered with premature ejaculation for the past year or so, and I have begged him to see a doctor about it, but he refuses to, he just makes excuses for his problem. I have tried my best to be understanding, and to talk to him about how I feel, but nothing changes. He is failing as a partner and a father and I am miserable as a result. he is well aware of how I feel, but still he makes very little effort to make any changes. I feel like I am carrying im, as he constantly makes mistakes. He turns up for his JSA appointments late, and has been sanctioned for this twice! Also it's me who has to do his jobsearches and applications as he gets frustrated trying to do it himself. I am at my wits end and I just feel like I'm at breaking point. I'm wondering wether my daughter and I would be better without him. Any advice is welcome, thankyou for reading x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2015): Speaking from experience (except that we have no children). Things usually get worse. If from the very beginning he felt comfortable with you doing everything, what will happen once he gets comfortable in a relationship? Oh wait. It has already happened.I'm sure that him being depressed has only magnified the existing problems.Mind you, depression is NO excuse. I have been married for 10 years now (in a relationship 13 years). I didn't react on time. I let things slide, taking more and more onto myself, accepting his excuses and finding new ones. I didn't realize that I became, if not depressed then unhappy and withdrawn (what is the definition of depression?) in the process of taking care of my hardworking - true, but otherwise unsocial and depressed husband. Oh he can be fun to be with. Sometimes.I love him. Always. But, looking back there is so much I would have done differently.My advice to you - fight it. Fight him. Fight for yourself and your child. That is the only way you can help him too. You work. You're independent. Set goals, conditions and let him know that his "down-time" is over. Do not do things for him. It only perpetuates the wrong behavior. If you feel that you're done, leave. Or as Honeypie said, better yet, ask him to leave and get his shit together. He's a grown-up and a father at that. In your situation, honestly, you'd be better off by yourself. I sometimes think that our marriage has survived this long because we were always "under attack" and had to stick together. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but had we had a better situation in life and less problems, we may have not have lasted this long, that's the truth.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 November 2015):
 I'd ask him to move out, and not come back till he has his shit together. Seriously. The guy is in his 30's.
Now he might be depressed because he is being "useless" - as in, he doesn't have a job, you take care of everything AND bring home the bacon.
But the way it looks, you have 2 children, a 2 year old and a grown man. And that.... Would not work for me.
You should NOT have to do his job applications or job searches - THAT is on him, so stop enabling him and stop treating him like he can't do it for himself - he can.. if he REALLY has to, for now though he hasn't HAD to do it because YOU take care of ALL the slack.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2015): Is he some sort of mommas boy? It appears he feels very comfortable allowing you to do it all, from your post. No amount of talking will get through to him. He has to have a self drive and if its not there, no way you can jump start him to have motivation. Two options you have. Since you've accepted this behavior years ago in its infant state you may also have to accept the same behavior in its matured state if you want to hold on to your relationship. Simply put suck it up and try looking at the positives and things he does do. Or you can decide to not have a partner who doesnt contribute much. Maybe compromise, you work full time and he be a stay at home father. Maybe he can have his own lawn service and do it on his time. The key is whatever you decide, communicate it with him. Best wishes
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