A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been having trouble with my LDR boyfriend lately. We've been together for 3 years, things haven't been easy lately but I didn't think they were this bad.He was supposed to visit me two-weeks ago for my birthday, but he couldn't because he was too sick. He kept on putting off seeing me again because both of his granddad's are in hospital at the moment, one with terminal cancer and the other one who just suffered a major heart attack. I guess I got selfish and have been mad at him a bit because he hasn't seen me. We had a fight the other day because I'm sick of him postponing seeing me. I just feel lonely and like he doesn't want to see me.Last night he said he was seeing me, he told me he was driving all night to visit me first thing in the morning. But then in the middle of the night, he called me up all teary-eyed and said that his grandad (with cancer) just passed away. I offered to come and meet him where he was but he just said that he needed to be left alone at the moment.Then he sent me a text about an hour later saying that he's really sorry but he has to turn around and go home and can't see me yet again.I called him all day non-stop, but he just won't answer.Then earlier tonight he sent me a big drawn out message basically breaking up with me. He told me that he loved me but he wasn't ready for us and distance is too hard for him, and he told me a lot of secrets he had been keeping. Like he had been secretly smoking (he knows I hate smokers), he's broke because he lost his job two months ago which he NEVER told me and he had even been hanging out with some female friend of his that I didn't know about, although he claims is just a friend. I'm distraught and helpless, he won't answer his phone, he won't reply to any of my texts or emails.I just don't know what to do or what triggered all of this. It just came out of nowhere. I share everything with him, but now he has all these secrets.The worst thing is that I feel guilty for being angry with him because of what he's going through with his grandparents at the moment. I just don't know where we stand. Are we broken up? Is he going through some issues he has to work out on his own? I don't know what to do any more, if I should keep trying to contact him or just cut him out of my life altogether.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (27 October 2011):
 Yes dear, I'm sorry you are broken up.
1. he's smoking and you hate that. and he knew it. THE very first thing I did when my first marriage ended was buy a pack of cigarettes. I had not smoked for over 7 years but I quit FOR HIM not for ME and the second i was done with him and pleasing him poof I went back to doing what I wanted. 6 years later I quit again... for good..
2. LDRs are hard. they take, commitment, money, time, effort, communication honesty, trust, and a plan to end the gap. I am sorry but I find 3 years long enough to have figured out how to close the distance.. if you have not done so (and it's not a school issue) then someone is not making enough of an effort... my LDR took less than a year to close the gap.
do you have trust now? (he's lied to you, he's seeing other women, he's withheld information)
you clearly don't have communication and honesty as he has kept important things from you
3. it was not suddenly triggered.. it's clearly been on his mind for a few months...
do not contact him. cut him out of your life... move on... it will be hard and it will suck and you will hurt and grieve.. three years of your young life is a long time to have devoted to someone...
you have my permission to write long letters you will never send, eat ice cream right from the container... go without makeup so you can cry at the drop of a hat and cry anytime you like... for six weeks you may be a total mess... then it's time to pull up your big girl panties and start to heal. but for now.. MOURN.
MOURN YOUR LOSS...
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 October 2011):
 I deon't think there is any doubt, he dumped you. I think he did it for both of your sakes.
Honestly, and this might hurt your feelings, that is not my intetions. I just can not understand how you can be so selfish that you can't respect why he feels a greater need to be near his sick grandfathers, without the anger and resentment. I get it was your birthday and all, but it might be the last few weeks of their lives.
I also think he is embarrased to not be able to afford driving to see you due to loss of job. I think he might have been afraid that you would see him as a loser without a job. Some people are just really sensitive with that.
In addition, I think the break up has been a long time comming, specially if he didn't share those things with you til he broke up. I think that is why he is mentioning the female friends. He is giving you reasons to never want to see him again. Which is rather cowardly IMHO. It kind of makes me wonder if he grandfathers really were sick..
I'm sorry, I would cut him out of my life, if I were you.
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