A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've made a mistake; what hope do I have? It's a tricky situation. I was seeing two girls, but only one (who was a close friend before) knew about the both of them. About a month into seeing the two of them, I decided to go for one who knew and end things with the other. And though I did end it, my feelings for the other girl still existed. From time to time we would get physical but more often then not it we would only be hanging out to enjoy the company. As time went on, I continued this back and forth for 3 months and never completely clarified the situation to my unofficial girlfriend.The last time i slept with the other girl, I knew right away what a mistake i had made. my girlfriend was completely in love with me and i was doing something terrible. i let this stuff happen with the other girl because i had been accustomed to polyamourous behaviour, but i never agreed to it; i was forced by a previous relationship and had yet to bounce back into normal mode. i also never cleared up any of the vagueness that clouded our relationship; i justified things by thinking that she knew i was seeing other people. after this last instance i became sick with myself about what i had done. another complication to this whole thing was that my unofficial girlfriend was about to leave the country for 2 months. I didn't tell her about what was happening and had the best week and a half of our relationship with her by totally dedicating myself to her, the both of us completely in love with each other. fastfoward to 3 weeks into my unofficial girlfriend gone. i told the other girl what had been happening. she was really shocked and was upset that she had done something like that to somebody; but i tried telling her that unofficial gf knew about how we were seeing each other. this triggered her to send an email apology saying that she wouldn't have done anything like that if she had known. I was shown for what i was doing, and it wasn't under my own terms. I was shown for all my horrible actions and i didn't get to be the one to tell her. my unofficial gf was devastated, and she was terribly upset. our communications stopped, but they did come back because she loved me so much. since she was away, she decided that i was worth more to her than to just give up now. we kept talking and falling in love through skype calls and whatsapp messages. while my unofficial gf was away, i became quite close with the girl i had slept with. this is stupid, and i get it, but we ended up becoming best friends basically. the entire time i had made it completely clear that i was in love with my unofficial gf.when she finally came home, i made my unofficial gf my real gf. it was wonderful. we were openly in love and couldn't stop smiling and never being content with the amount of time we were seeing each other, which was already every moment in the day. there were issues though. she would have nightmares and get anxious about what had happened previously; she'd wake up in the morning and be mad with me for seemingly no reason. and my friendship with the girl didn't really help anything. after a month of near-heaven, she broke up with me by saying we should just go back to being friends. this was a broadside to me, and it hasn't been good.since the break up, we've had many instances of on again off again correspondence. i have learned that to want something means you have to fight for it, so i had been trying my hardest. I made her from-scratch candlelit dinner, arranged flowers, had the perfect playlist, and we couldn't sit apart from each other at dinner. afterwards we made love and sang Sam Cooke to each other. but after all this, she still left because she didn't think I could do long term and because she didn't trust me. this was more than a month ago. from the constant attempts to win her back and not run in the face of adversity, she has acknowledged that i am in it for the long haul. but alas there is another issue. the guy before me, who she was seeing at the same time before deciding on me, is back in the picture and complicating things. she sees him and has gone on dates with him; he has been trying to get her for as long as i've been trying to get her back. she has told me she's developed feelings for him and that is now what is in the way of our getting back together. i don't know what to do at this point so i kept doing what i was doing. this wasn't working though; she is being pulled apart by two boys wanting answers while she won't give any. during this time, she and i have made it clear that she has to be the one to come to me, because i wholeheartedly want her completely and she is the one who must decide. i wait for her to call/text/interact but it can get so hard. the urge to make contact sends me into crazy spirals. in our correspondence, she flips back and forth; she saying she loves me (but apparently a different source says it was to keep me from being upset), and flirting with me morning and night in the our relationship kind of way. often after relationship talk, we kiss and embrace or even have sex. but when not in person, whenever i bring up 'us', she changes the subject. she cut off communication for a halfweek and during this time i went insane. after an exam, we were supposed to attend the same group function. after my exam, i had a text of her asking me to go to the function. i said i was leaving on my way there straight from school; she was at a place pre-socializing. i waited at this event alone for 2 hours before i finally found her, and when i did i was in a strange mood because out of nowhere she started to talk to me like things were fine. after seeing her, i looked to the stage and then looked back and she was gone. i asked what happened and people said she was leaving. i was shocked so went outside to talk to her. she had organized a ride to the last train of the night from the other guy in her life. i got terribly upset and it was obvious, i raised my voice not in anger but because i was waiting there for so long to see her and 2 minutes into it she was leaving to get into the car of the other guy. she had to leave because he was waiting; i then was probably the most upset i'd ever been in the whole process. the next day, she called to apologize; then she started initiating communications again, and things were good.just recently i decided i didn't want to be constantly ending our person-to-person hangouts in serious relatinoship talks; so i've stopped. the other day, we met up to play catch. it was the most fun i've had playing catch in my life. she also had a lot of fun, and made it obvious. during this day we had many instances of being "too" close; we didn't shy away from it though. we could have kissed many times, but i decided not to ruin our day with an relationship boundary cross. she thanked me for the day and i let her get on her train home without having anything awful come up. the feeling was wonderful, but i'm worried she's trying to phase me into a friendship like we were before. theres no going back for me at this point, i mean, i'm quarterlife crisising it here but i really think like i could marry her. she didn't talk to me today and its sent me crazy again, over-analyzing and coming to the conclusion she must be hanging out with the other guy because thats usually when she doesn't talk to me. i can't lose her because i love her so much; and she had already chosen me before when it was he and i, and while she was away she decided to choose relationship instead of ending it an easier way; am i a lost cause? what do you think i should do? play it cool and continue letting ourselves get so close we graze our cheeks and not do anything? should i kiss her and not ask about the relationship? should i just wait for some prayer to be answered and she comes to me to forgive and move on? or should i just move on so she can? there are too many questions in what is a too difficult situation. but this is my life and gosh darn it i can't think of what to do myself.to sum it up:I've cheated and my girlfriend was with me for 3 more months before she ended things. now its nearly 2 months later and still i am hung up on her, and we still have these feelings floating around. i know i made mistakes, but like, if she came to me and said she had slept with the other guy but knew it was a mistake i would still want to be with her, i love her this much. and its not a loss and need back thing, i want our lives we talked about to take place. there are things she never knew were possible in a relationship and i gave them to her; i never knew i could make such a mistake and lose something so important. any kind of ideas anyone has would be a real help to my stressed brain. i'm ending my novel here, we'll see about comments later. thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2011): sounds like you may have learned your lesson, but some times it's just too late for this relationship. You can' unring that bell, you know.
the best you can do is to just apply what you've learned to your next relationship.
besides what if she did get back with you, are you absolutely sure you would never cheat on her again? what would you have learned in that case? You might start thinking, "I can cheat again, as long as I feel extremely remorseful afterward she'll eventually forgive me, she always does..."..
so maybe it's better not just for her but also for you, that this relationship ends.
A
female
reader, Smileypants  +, writes (23 April 2011):
 Well, you made your own bed now you're lying in it. Sure is hard to feel sorry for you!! Honestly sounds like your gf is better off with the new guy. Next time you're in love don't cheat. Grow up and be ready the next time a lady comes around that you love. For now, with this girl- I'd say leave her alone. It would take waaaaay more to fix things than you are mature enough to give. You traumitized her...let her move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): i totally know it was my fault and i take full responsibility. i probably worded things strangely because that was a really long post. i just didn't change myself fast enough. and i know i could have told her. but that was cowardice because i didn't want to lose her. i screwed up, i understand that completely. obviously i would never cheat on anyone again. it is not like i haven't taken a lesson from all this crazy stuff. i was not innocent. this i know. i just feel like i can honestly give her more and how to show her that i'm really worth taking the chance on.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (23 April 2011):
Your girlfriend is most likely highly ambivalent about the relationship because even though there is intense attraction between you two (both physical and emotional) , the fact is that she has been traumatized by your cheating on her. And she is very normal to feel that way. That's why cheating on someone is such a terrible thing to do and why cheating destroys relationships in the vast majority of situations. (and of those relationships or marriages that stay intact after cheating, many are forever broken and just limping along and being a prison for at least one of the partners involved)
You can't expect that by apologizing (even if you're sincere) that it somehow heals the hurt just like that. she probably has not healed from the shock and hurt of finding out you cheated on her. it will probably take her a very very long time to trust you again, if she ever can restore trust in you.
you can't really be blaming her now for having feelings for the other guy. She at least had enough integrity to inform you that she was developing feelings for him, from the outset, she did not lie to you and go behind your back the way you did to her, until ratted out by someone else.
so even though she still has very strong attraction for you, it's mixed in with very negative and toxic feelings because of your betrayal. Therefore, even if she did choose you over the other guy, don't consider that a "happily ever after", the relationship may still be tumultuous for a long time to come.
It sounds like you also have some issues you may want to look into. You claim that you are not responsible for your cheating behavior?? you knew what you were doing was wrong, as you were doing it, and yet you still went ahead and did it. You justify it by saying you are not responsible. You say "i let this stuff happen with the other girl because i had been accustomed to polyamourous behaviour, but i never agreed to it; i was forced by a previous relationship and had yet to bounce back into normal mode. i also never cleared up any of the vagueness that clouded our relationship; i justified things by thinking that she knew i was seeing other people. "
So you were forced against your will to cheat on your girlfriend? is that what you're saying? Even though the other girl obviously had no idea that you were "taken" and when she knew she was so horrified and guilt ridden, more so than you were. So, how in any way does this make you the one who was cheating against your own will??
Furthermore this sounds like you knew full well that what you were doing was unethical, otherwise you would have cleared up the vagueness with your girlfriend rather than keeping quiet about it. Guilt is your conscience telling you that you're doing something wrong.
And then, when you told the other girl and she contacted your girlfriend and blew your cover, you say, "I was shown for all my horrible actions and i didn't get to be the one to tell her. "
here you make it sound as if you didn't get a chance to inform your girlfriend that you had been unfaithful to her, that you were robbed of this chance. I'm sorry but that's nonsense. You had plenty of time to tell your girlfriend, you just chose not to. You need to take responsibility for your actions, and stop trying to deflect it away from yourself and making it out like you were innocent.
Basically, you created this mess that you are in. It was because of your decision to cheat on your girlfriend, and keep secrets from her until you were finally ratted out, that she's now ambivalent towards you.
What should you do now? I think the right thing to do is to leave her alone and let her decide. Please don't manipulate her anymore especially if it looks like she's leaning more and more towards the other guy and you're feeling more and more upset about it. She's probably very confused because she's obviously still attracted to you yet she is nowhere close to getting over the trauma of your betrayal of her trust. It could be better for her in the long run to not be in a relationship with you because cheating is a huge betrayal of trust that can have lingering effects on the cheated-on partner for a very very long time, even for years afterward, or it can seem like she's over it only to have her anxiety about it resurface again at some point in the future. It could be this cloud that taints the relationship for a long long time to come. (that's why cheating on your partner is such a bad thing to do and why it destroys relationships)
If you love her as you claim you do, you would want what's best for her, even if it means not being in a relationship with you. So let her decide, don't try to influence her, don't try to manipulate her. If she chooses you, then you should never cheat on her again (you should break up with her first if you want to try other people). If she doesn't choose you, then respect her decision no matter how much it upsets you and don't try to manipulate her in that situation either.
and then, please resolve to never cheat again on any future partners. If you want a polyamorous relationship, you need to be upfront about that with your partner(s) from the very beginning and keep ALL of your partner(s) in the loop about your polyamorous activities.
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