A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello Agony Aunters,I have a little story...7 years ago I met and had a brief relationship with a guy, who is 5 years older than I am. He works in the emergency services, although I didnt know this when I first met him, I liked him from the moment I saw him. We dated for a while, but it fizzled out due to his very demanding job and unsocial working hours we lost contact.Then after a couple of years later he got in touch again via messenger and I was at the time in an abusive relationship and very distraught, our contact carried on in secret for a few months when finally I managed to split from the abusive partner and move on with my life. This 'professional' guy has remained in my life ever since, on and off, but I have suddenly found myself falling in love with him. We have dated on countless occasions, but I feel this needs a nudge to get onto a more permanent relationship basis. Last time I saw him was over a week ago, he invited me round to his place and cooked me dinner and we spent a lovely evening together, he was very attentive. Now a week later, no contact from him whatsoever. No call no text which is unlike him to leave it so long to get in touch. I have sent a couple of texts asking if he is ok...but still nothing. What to do, wait it out ? I dont want to pester him with texts everyday. Perhaps he has decided I am not for him now....I am not sure what to think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2014): This man's work comes first, and he was simply being nice by spending some time with you.
Falling in-love may not be his intentions for you; only spending some time with someone he cares for. His feelings may not be as deep, or on the same level.
You are undergoing your recovery from an abusive relationship, and that will make you feel very vulnerable and needy for male companionship. You are wounded and traumatized. The loneliness you feel also compels you to search for someone to fill-in the emptiness and soothe your pain. He has been a temporary painkiller. He does not have any obligation to respond immediately to your messages; and he isn't the one likely to have feelings on the rebound, after leaving a failed-relationship.
I don't think many aunts and uncles will agree; but I think he's doing you a favor. If he is unable to offer you adequate time and attention; it is best he keep some distance between you. He is most likely working, and he wasn't necessarily wooing you back into a relationship to start with.
He was spending time with a good woman, and you were spending some time with a man. Such connections don't always have to evolve into a relationship. So he is cooling it down and/or putting work first. You should not be surprised.
You don't have to let go, you have to pull back your feelings and continue your recovery getting over your abusive relationship. He knows there is residual trauma; and being in a profession that deals with trauma, he isn't the type to abandon someone in distress. However; there is a point when he should back-off, if he feels he is leading you on.
Although as a courtesy, he should communicate his reasons; that doesn't relieve you of the responsibility of keeping your feelings disciplined and under control.
You need time for healing. Letting you become emotionally-dependent will do you more harm than good. Like a baby who frequently cries in the night. You check to see if they're okay; but sometimes you have to let them cry themselves back to sleep. He will be there when you're in distress; but he may not be reliable at all times. You have to dig for your own strength, and attend to your wounds.
Heal without "painkillers," my dear. You know what he was like before; obviously that has not changed. Messaging should be at a minimum anyway, when you know he's working.
If you feel so distraught over messaging, you're the baby crying. He has always been there when you needed him; he doesn't have to be at your beck and call.
A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (19 May 2014):
Hi there. The chap is completely unreliable and even though seeing him has been pleasant and also helpful, that is not going to change. He likely has lots of lady friends and it looks to me as though he is enjoying being single. The silence is a message. I am sure he enjoys your company but it is a recreational relationship, not marriage material. Time to look elsewhere if that is what you want. But no regrets for the fun you have had.
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