A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I was widowed a little over two years ago (he was great and so was my 21 year marriage). For over a year now I've been in a relationship with a legally separated man. He left the marriage 3+ years ago. I'm a 100% certain that he has no romantic affections for his estranged wife. They have two children, whom I spend time with every other weekend when he has them, his wife knows about me, and their contact is limited to the needs of the children. He spends nights with me when he doesn't have his kids, but has kept his own place for when they visit. This arrangement suits me fine since I don't want to marry again (mostly for financial reasons, and at 51 I just don't see the point - commitments can be made with out involving the courts.)I'm also not anxious to be a step-parent, but realize it's a package deal. His son will go to college next fall and his daughter, who's 11, is a great kid. I have no children. Here's the question: It bothers me that he takes no action towards finalizing the divorce. But should it when I don't want to get married? When I've asked why? I've heard "it'll be painful and expensive." He doesn't say he WON'T do it, but that he can't give me a time line--he recently started a new and very demanding job. As it stands now they have done nothing to separate their finances, she lives in a lovey 5 bedroom home and he has a rather dingy, two bedroom apartment with pretty worn furniture. Though he spends most of his time at my home, he doesn't pay rent and utilities (and I'd have to pay that whether or not I was seeing anybody) but pays for 1/2 the groceries and most of the dinners/events out. I know he's broke from having to maintain his apartment and the kid's home. When I've said things like "If you really loved me, you'd divorce her," he becomes very confused and says it has nothing to do with his love for me and everything to do with the costs. He started divorce proceedings 8 months after they split and he said that it became very, very ugly and costs over 10k for the lawyers and nothing was resolved. Needless to say, I can understand why he's not anxious to jump back into that mess. Should I just drop it since it really doesn't impact me that much? I have made it clear I don't want to marry again, and that we can't live together until he divorces. I'm financially comfortable and am not anxious to merge my finances with his. Lastly, I have no doubts about his love for me, he shows it in many, many wonderful ways--all but for this one area.
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female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (14 October 2010):
 If he is legally separated I would leave it. He needs a place of refuge it sounds like and you are it. Don't destroy that by pressuring him for something that you don't even really need.
Someday the kids will be grown, and he will no longer have that financial obligation. Until then, I would treasure what I had. When that day comes, then you might want to rattle his cage a little and share a household. Just my opinion.
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