A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I need some advice re my daughter. She is 21 and a student doing well at college. Unfortunately she got involved with a guy who although he seems quite sweet etc etc, is not working and not at college but after some pressure from her, is now enrolling for a course soon. In the meantime, she got pregnant (she was on the pill but there was an accident when she had a stomach upset and the pill must have lost some effectiveness). So we discussed it and she said she wanted to have a termination of pregnancy which I agree with as the circumstances all round are not conducive to bringing a baby into the world. She has moved back home and her BF doesn't have his own place plus neither of them have regular incomes as she is studying and her BF and his family are broke and having money troubles. My parents are comfortably off but I feel that bringing a baby into the world is a big decision and the actual parents of the baby should be able to look after it and I think, finances apart, that neither of them are emotionally ready either.Anyway she went for the termination this week and it all went ok but her BF was still pressuring her beforehand to keep the baby. I am very angry because just before she went in for the actual procedure he apparently said to her 'you are selfish you just think about yourself' and when she made a comment he said under his breath 'ah shut the fu*k up you talk sh*t'. He then apologised a few minutes later. Also, he was meant to contribute towards the travel costs for both of them (she went to a clinic just outside London as the appt was sooner and it's a good clinic) but he only brought enough money for his own tube fare. I had given her £35 to take a cab home because I didn't want her to be trundling around on public transport afterwards (she was in a bit of pain and felt a bit groggy etc) and he came in and asked the nurse for her purse!!! Then she let him take the money for 'petrol' to put in his car (which he had to go back to East London to collect!). The upshot was that whilst he went off to get his car etc etc she was left hanging around for 3 hrs and the clinic closed - they waited another half an hour but then had to lock up so she was out in the cold and rain, in pain and groggy and got a bit lost and made her own way back by train, tram and bus! I was calling him and his mobile was switched off. He eventually turned up at the clinic at nearly 9pm, when it was closed and by that time she was back home. I was very angry about his whole behaviour and I left a message for his mother who phoned back to apologise saying he had good intentions but just didn't organise himself. And this is a guy who says 'yeah yeah we can manage let's have the baby'!!The thing is, my other daughter said I should tell his mother what he said to my daughter in the waiting room. She has apparently already told him off severely about everything else. I asked my daughter 'why did you not just take the cab?' but she was a bit groggy when he asked for her purse and not thinking straight. I had even phoned the cab firm myself and got a price quote and I also had to buy everything else she needed including bits and pieces etc for afterwards. He seems to have contributed nothing, been unreliable, been rude, taken money off her for petrol for him to drive his mother's car (why should we pay for their petrol too when it is his baby as well??) and generally made a big cock up of everything. His mother said he 'had good intentions but was just disorganised about it all'. Also I later found out that he is not insured to drive his mother's car (it was her car he was using) and doesn't have a full licence. So my daughter would have been being driven home by someone with no license uninsured to drive that car and apparently he speeds as well. I am sorry for the long email I was just trying to give all the details and context. Any comments about any of this would be appreciated. Should I leave it alone and let my daughter sort it out or should I try to persuade her to have a break from him and should I tell his mother about the verbal abuse?? He is 22 and lives at home with his mother and sister. My daughter is sensible but she is quite a nice girl and a bit soft deep down although she appears tougher on the surface and I don't want her good nature to allow his appalling behaviour to be glossed over but equally I don't want to make things more stressful and at the moment I am just leaving her to recover from yesterday. Thank you so much for reading this and any comments would be truly appreciated. I have been a single parent for years so no husband to talk to about it and I haven't seen my ex partner since 1997. My parents are elderly and would worry so I haven't mentioned it to them. Thank you.
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a break, lives at home, money, my ex, the pill Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): Hi thank you for your answers. Just to clarify one point, his mother had told my daughter that she was annoyed with him (she knows about everything already, apart from him being rude in the waiting room)and she asked my daughter when I was available as she wanted to call me and apologise etc .. and my daughter has decided to take a break from him anyway because she feels he is not making enough effort to get a job etc etc ... Anyhow, she is home and fine now and I decided that was the main thing so it is better to leave it and not speak to him or his mother but just leave it up to my daughter and himself to sort out, especially after reading the answers on here! :) Thanks again. I was just so angry and upset to think of my daughter standing out in the rain and cold, in pain, all groggy and disoriented, after I had given her money for a cab etc etc and he couldn't even get his act together enough to get back on time. Thank you for taking the time to read the (Long!) post and to answer it. x
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (26 February 2010):
 Granted, His behaviour leaves a helluva lot to be desired - but what is spining me out is that you are even entertaining the notion of ringing his mother to 'dob' on him. He is not a little kid who needs to be reported to his mother for disciplinary action.
As far as I am concerned they are adults, it is their relationship, it does not need parental approval or monitoring, they can sort their own shit between them out. If you want bite him for leaving your daughter in the lurch, that is understandable, but be big and ugly enough to do so yourself, ...dont run to his mummy to do it for you.
Obviously your daughter is used to this type of dynamic, ..but if my mother ever rang a boyfriends mother wanting him to get his arse kicked for something all she would have achieved would have been my disgust, anger, and a guarantee that she would be kept in the dark about EVERYTHING else in EVERY relationship from that day forth. I would find that type of interference very very very hard to forgive.
Don't do it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): Dear,
From my personal experience, i believe that you should talk to your daughter, in a friendly way. Tell her how you feel about this boy, your preoccupations, and that she deserves better...
Going through an abortion is a pretty stressfull situation for a couple, but the way he acted was inexcusable!
First of all, he should have respected her decision, and not have treated her badly. Besides that, he left her when she needed the most, so that shows what kind of person he is.
In my case, my boyfriend didn't help financialy, neither was by my side when i needed, and my mother was so upset that she tried to force me to break up with him.
I felt terrible! in the end, my bf talked to my mom and explained that he didn't think an abortion was a dangerous procedure... he thought is was like going to the dentist! and we found out he was broke, because of a bad investment.
He made up to me and my mom.
In your case, try and show your daughter that what he did wrong. If he has a great excuse to having done the things he has done, there's no reason why you should intervene.
however, if he continues treating your daughter badly, you should talk to her... but being a 21 year-old girl, she should be able to make her own decisions, even though they are no the best ones...
Tellig her to break up with the guy could backfire at your mother/daughter relatioship, and you don't want that to happen.
I hope things work out for your daughter...
xoxo
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (26 February 2010):
It's completely natural that you would be furious about the bad and neglectful treatment your daughter received. It's the "mother tiger" in you, don't hurt my babies! Clearly this boy has not grown up yet and didn't have his act together. Clearly he was hurting as well, abortions are hard on everyone. Right now your only focus needs to be on your daughter. She needs your love and support more than ever, especially since she's not getting it from her BF. You can certainly give the BF a piece of your mind if you see him; just say "I know this is a difficult time but you left my girl hanging when she needed you most. I am very disapointed and angry with you." and then you need to leave it alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2010): It seems like you have been through quite an ordeal! I think you're doing a good job being their for your daughter, and trying to support her without smothering her. I think from an outside point of view it would be good to talk to her, let her know your fears, but avoid judgement and biased language. You don't want to make your daughter feel like she has to choose sides. Whatever you say to her reassure her that you will support her either way.
The guy is young and sounds a bit clueless but he is not your responsibility. I know my mother felt the same way as you did with some of the guys I have dated but I always felt she was too harsh on them. I understand that she only wanted what was best for me, but the pressure she forced upon me really affected me. For example I dated a guy who appeared to have 'no real future' and we eventually split up partly due to this pressure. The thing was she never saw how affleunt and popular he was. People adored him and wanted to be his friend. He was smart and made his living doing the thngs he loved. He was never going to be a lawyer or doctor, but he was happy and treated me with so much respect.
Anyway, gettign back to the point, I admire the fact you're supporting your daughter, try and adivse her but let her make her mistakes, and just be there for her. Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, sammi star +, writes (26 February 2010):
 I wouldn't mention the things he said in the waiting room to his parents. I don't think that would achieve anything, what are they going to do about it? The way he's behaved is completely unacceptable but has he ever spoken to her that way before? If it was an isolated incident then it may just be because he was under a lot of stress, we tend to take it out on those closest to us right?
It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do but I really think you need to let your daughter discover this for herself, which she undoubtedly will. She's old enough and mature enough to see this man for what he is so I'm sure it will only be a matter of time before she comes to her senses. In my opinion you should avoid getting invovled in their relationship but stay firmly in your daughters life. She obviously cares about him and if you go in all guns blazing then she's probably going to feel the need to defend him which will only push them closer together. Let them work it all out for themselves and I'm sure your daughter will come to you when she needs you.
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