A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey there! A guy at work from a different department passed me a note recently telling me how he felt about me (i.e. positive stuff!) and that because he has suddenly realised that I'm actually seeing someone else in the office he has decided that this is a 'goodbye' letter of sorts i.e. he does not wish to try and make light of the situation and become friends. In the letter he said that he was not hoping for or expecting a reply and that in fact he would prefer it if I did not respond. This was a couple of months ago. I did not respond and we have not spoken since - although I have exchanged a few glances with him and can tell that he is hurting. My question is, do you think he phrased his letter in this way so that the rejection would be easier for him to take and did he write it like this to make life really easy for me (i.e. was he being really courteous in stating that he was not envisaging a reply?). I owe him nothing but still feel a little guilty. As I said - I know he's hurting. What would you girls out there have done - talked the matter through with him to try and smooth things over? Just a matter of time before others pick up on this strange vibe we have going on between us. He may even be besotted with me - which is all very flattering of course. He and I have been at the company for many years - surely the others (who joined more recently) will eventually wonder why we are no longer talking! So - would you have responded to his 'closure' letter? We said 'hello' to each other in the corridor last month but just kept going - too intense to make eye contact! He never seems to be at his desk for very long. In fact he may be going for interviews and planning to leave...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): Hi. You sure don't owe the guy any favours or any explanation. I feel for the 'writer' in this scenario. There he is, trying to do the right thing, trying to be all professional, battling against temptation and all that. Meanwhile, you allow your marriage to fall apart due to another guy at work. For sure you'd never dump him to get with the writer - 'cos then you'd probably get a bad reputation in the office.
You've already said a couple of nice things about him in your post e.g. you admit he's attractive. Perhaps you're with the wrong guy. His timing was well off for sure - he was obviously not up to speed on office gossip! At least he knows that the ball is completely in your court! For every successful office romance there will be a few broken hearts out there - all part of life I guess.
Sometimes it's a lottery. Where I work I've seen people get together purely because they sit virtually next to each other, but to be honest, people who sit round the other side of the building could be a better match. Each to their own! I think you do need to ask yourself why this writer guy (deluded or otherwise) thought he had the remotest chance of dating you.
If you were already seeing the other office guy then you should have shut down your flirtation completely as with all the others. Sounds to me like you have behaved less than professional yourself over the years - hence your marriage break-up!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 December 2008):
 Hey, you're welcome. I hate anonymous admirers, I had one too years ago and it was most unwelcome. I kept getting these tokens, like boxes of chocolates, and no one would confess to being the secret admirer, and most of the guys were married, to boot. I closely questioned all the single men, I think there were maybe 3 in the company and they denied any involvement. I wound up getting spooked, because the last note said something like, "You shall know me. Soon." I freaked and went to my boss, who knew I was getting upset by this.
Big kerfuffle, handwriting samples checked, and no one in the office matched. Turns out it was a temporary consultant. Yuckeroonie. My boss took care of it.
Any men out there wondering if they should become secret admirers, um, don't do it unless you know for a fact she likes you. If you don't know, and you haven't told her, you're setting yourself up for a fall.
Hope things work out for you and your new romance.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): ...thanks for the advice, sisters! The writer of the letter unfortunately has children - he's not married though. In his letter he articulated that he had always had a bit of a thing for me and that over the years had been congratulating himself in not having made a move on me. My marriage fell apart last year when I started seeing this other guy in the office (a guy who I'm now living with). So you see I guess the 'writer' had this secret crush on me and had been fighting against this all along and upon finding out about me and the other guy his resolve must have weakened to the extent that he sent me the letter to conclude matters from his side. Earlier this year I received a lovely bunch of flowers - anonymously. As you'd expect, I was really curious as to who these came from and so I think my behaviour in the office became a little flirtatious to try and find out who they were from. They turned out to be from the writer. So, perhaps he mistook my indicators of curiosity for indicators of interest. A few months after receiving the flowers I think he must have had enough indicators of curiosity from me for him to think that he had a chance of dating me. He asked me out and I turned him down. He went to ground for a couple of months - barely saw him at all - before passing me the 'closure' letter. But once again he confessed to having had a crush on me for many years - but was getting on with his life, even to the extent of having another child back in 2006! I'll admit he's an attractive man and I have been flirting with him, but then again this level of flirtation was no different versus other guys in the office (apart from the guy I'm actually with, of course). So, with the flowers routine I guess he set about breaking his own heart all by himself! You're right - odd situation, but as you can imagine, very flattering and that's why he does catch me looking at him every now and again - human nature I guess!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 December 2008):
Hi, I'm with Artistry on this one. Did you and the letter-writer have anything other than a work friendship? Did you date at all?
If you didn't date at all and there was nothing from your end toward him but a cordial professional relationship, then his writing this letter is very odd. I don't think you should feel guilty at all in that case. He's trying to make his feelings your problem and to make you feel guilty for breaking his heart. But how strange to do that. I mean, if you had no inkling how he was feeling about you, that's his doing, and has nothing to do with you.
If you two had had more than a friendship, but were never a couple, it's still weird. If you two were an official couple, well, then maybe he does have some grounds for complaint, if you started seeing someone else without telling him.
In any case, I would honor his request and just deal with him on a professional level and do nothing more than be pleasant and polite and professional in any encounters you have. If you keep your tone upbeat, no one will notice, I think.
Very odd though.
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A
female
reader, Artistry +, writes (5 December 2008):
 Hi, I need to get clarification on a point you made. Is there another person at the same office that you are involved with? If so, do you care for this person? If you do I would not answer the gentleman, who wrote you the letter, that only opens the case up for more discussion. Allow him go on and get over his hurt, with the situation. No need to allow for a projected and unnecessary ending to whatever the two of you were engaged in. You do not have any reason to be guilty about this, things did not fully come to fruition, that is not your fault, so don't take it on. He will get over it, I do think he wanted a rise out of you, as he has some sort of feeling for you. But if you are, as I am assuming, involved with the other man, let it be, close the door, and keep moving. When you see him, say hi, and keep on about your business. Take care and I hope this helps you. Best wishes.
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