A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HiI've had a few relationships before, one of them lasted two years and the other three years. They were both happy enough. But i usually ended up with a girl who liked me a lot, rather than me liking them a lot. So i decided this time I would only start a relationship with a girl that gave me butterflies, that i really wanted. However throughout my life whenever I have felt this way for a girl, they have always never liked me.Recently I started to really like a girl, more than I have ever liked someone, but she doesn't like me back.Should i give up on the idea of being with someone i really like? does everyone have to settle in the end? I just don't know if other people always find relationships only with the person they really want or if that is just a fantasy. I just feel it is always impossible to be with the people i want and i dont know if this is part of life or if i should keep trying. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2019): I agree totally with the other two posts just want to add here never date someone for the sake of dating. If you are not attracted to a girl don't ask her for a date because eventually you will leave her and break her heart. Keep looking for the person who you are attracted to and eventually you will find her. My personal opinion is marriage before thirty is too early. I married at thirty one and I think that was too early. But that is me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2019): Here's what I think if someone likes you they will be there for you no matter what. Move on I know its hard and it feels like your life is falling apart but that's the only way to go. focus on yourself not someone who does not like you back, because later on that person will realize that she missed out and when you find someone who really loves you that person will want you but you have to stay strong
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2019): The point of dating is to find a "match." You want someone who can reciprocate your romantic-feelings. You want a chemistry that can be sustained. You seek mutual-attraction. You just haven't found her yet. You have the ability to show commitment. That's a big plus!
You're becoming cynical and ready to give-up; because she hasn't happened in your life immediately. That's how love goes. It's evasive and complicated. It takes time to find the right match. People don't instantly like you just because you like them. You can't convince people to love you, it comes of freewill. You can't be so romantic that women instantly fall in-love.
Romance is an expression of affection, and leads to attraction; but it isn't true-love. Don't empower fantasy. Some are desperate, and read that to be love. Avoid desperate types! Don't be desperate! You'll get played!
More often, you'll find people you like more than they like you. That's the real-world. If you're a needy kind of person; you'll set yourself up for uneven-connections. If you have a way of getting ahead of things; no one can ever keep-up with you. You're sabotaging yourself. Stay on the same page. Pace yourself, slow your roll!
Impatience and entitlement will lead you to believe you want it too badly; and got to have it NOW! It's good to know what you want; but sometimes what you want won't come easily. You shouldn't rush, or be on a suicide-mission for love. It makes you sloppy, and you'll make bad choices.
Continue dating lovely receptive ladies until the chemistry and connection goes both-ways. Stop looking back on what happened in the past; because they were only meant to be around for that particular time, place, or phase you were at in your life.
You go forward, move on, and start a new chapter each time.
Use what you've learned, and don't repeat past mistakes. Be patient! Don't allow eagerness or desperation to overwhelm you. That will make you too aggressive or impulsive! Your impatience and forwardness will scare women. That may even include the right match for you!
Being overly-romantic and spending too much money to impress women will invite opportunists and gold-diggers. If you are successful, and tend to be openly-generous; it might not be you that they're attracted to. If you're unusually handsome, or have the body of Adonis; you may attract superficial types. Chill and just be down to earth. Showing-off and flexing usually attracts women who won't be serious, or take you seriously.
Forcing what you want before they get a chance to catch up with you will make them stop; because they'll resent being rushed. They may like being your girlfriend, but may never fall deeply in-love with you. Especially if you're a nice-guy and top-notch boyfriend-material. Yes, women take advantage of us! They know a good-catch when they see one; but may not really deserve him! Angels protect us, as long as we're not stupid! Then we make our own beds!
Sometimes they don't like you the way you like them, but play along. They may need more time to figure-out exactly how, or if, they really do like you. If you tend to idolize or set females up on lofty-pedestals; that comes across as insincere or dopey. It's being a little crazy; even when it only means you really like them. If you fall in-love with looks, you'll never receive love in-return. If you see mostly whats on the surface, you won't reach their hearts.
Obsessive-behavior may not be apparent to you; but can sometimes only be seen by the object of your affections.
You're trying to demonstrate how much you like her; and all she sees is you're pouring it on too thick. You may be prone to jealousy, or smothering women with love. Neither is good!
Ease-up, relax, take your time. Be confident and patient. Keep your eyes open, but stop desperately searching; and the right woman will find her way to you. Someone who cares for you as much as you care for her.
Feelings are sometimes slightly uneven. Delicately tilting back and forth; but they should always balance-out and synchronize. The goal is compatibility, trust, and mutual-affection. Take your time to allow things to happen naturally. Don't force it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2019): This kind of thing happens alot in your twenties. There's alot of mismatching attraction. It's hard to explain why but quite often it is because noone really knows who they are at that age. Being enchanted with someone can also just be hormones without the experience to see through the fog. Sometimes it's just timing. As you grow into a more stable adult these things happen less often. Not never but far less often.Concentrate not on butterflies, which won't last forever in any relationship but without forcing it try and identify someone you'd like on your team- forever. Quite often the butterflies will accompany this but in your twenties butterflies won't assure anything like a lifetime of happiness. Settling is a myth. It begins with the fallacy that a love that you can hear like a roaring in your ears guarantees a lifetime of happiness. This isn't true now and never has been but it remains the ideal, but only accompanied but other. Let your life experience allow you to make the decision on the ground. I can't offer you rules to follow that will make it much easier- just solidarity that we've all been there. Love, rejection, mismatched love is as old as the hills, there's no solution I'm afraid. Go out with who you want to, make no promises that you can't keep, don't lie about your feelings to save theirs, finish a relationship before starting another. Treat the feelings of someone you have rejected as gently as you would want yours treated. If someone cares for you more than you care for them, you have power over them, and that power comes with the responsibility to be compassionate. Use these rules and you can't go too far wrong. Don't give up on real romantic love, but don't necessarily expect butterflies immediately. Real emotional power is dealt to a relationship when you realise you can lean on your partner unequivocally. That's not a relationship where you don't pull your weight because your partner carries you-you both have to back each other with all your might. That's real love. Find that one. You might not see it immediately .Good luck
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