A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A little background I was in a really bad abusive relationship about five years ago- not physical but very verbally abusive have my all and basically got nothing in return. I took some time a year or toe just cause I felt lost and was infatuated with the guy I worked with and when that didn't go anywhere I started dating - I don't like to date a lot because when it comes down to being physical I'm very scared and a germaphobe I'm 28 and only slept with 3 people. I work hard on my looks go to the gym get the latest clothes, makeup (bottom line I try to look as good on the outside as people say on on the inside) as I have started dating I notice that guys are out there to have a good time - it seems so dramatic. Example being the last guy I started seeing saw me for two months we were physical and now he is like well I'm not looking for a relationship- I feel so hurt I've tried my best to be good on the outside and on the inside and I keep meeting people that just don't care- I became so desperate that this guy wasn't even attractive but I thought he was nice so I was like oh it's okay he lost his lisence because he didn't take his seizure medication - he will be more responsible- it's okay he smokes pot and is 34 - he has a good job. And he still texts me and I told him I'm not looking to play the mind games since he doesn't want to be responsible.. I feel so lost I haven't gone on many dates or slept with a lot of ppl cause I feel like if this is an indication of how men are then why did I leave the abusive situation? I feel like giving up but there is still a very big lonely side too me- my sister says urs so beautiful and people have told me this also but does looks matter no! And being nice doesn't either so I just don't know - I've tried online dating I've tried switching jobs- I've tried going out a lot - my expectations have been thrown out at this point- should I just give up and maybe focus that is I end up alone it's okay? It seem like a full time job and I'm getting nothing. My friends who are even younger than me are even more desperate to find someone- all I think about is this and I can't seem to appreciate anythjng anymore.. And the other guy that says he doesn't want a relationship he still calls even though it's pointless since he can't be responsible for his 34 year old self- why do I think a man will solve everything - why am I so miserable without one- am I still stuck on some Disney endings- I seek validation and the harder I try on looks and even being nicer.. Nothing even more emptiness
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female
reader, ImissFuturama +, writes (23 July 2014):
 First, I'd cut contact with the 34 year old. You don't find him attractive, and he doesn't want a relationship anyhow. If he keeps calling and texting, block his number. From now on, don't lower your standards so much. The fact you made excuses for him in your head says you knew he was bad news from the start. With online dating, you have to be very careful which site you use. A lot of them aren't that good. Also I don't know if you waited to be pursued, or if you took the initiative. This can make a difference too. I did online dating for a bit when I was 18, and it actually took a few guys by surprise when I sent the first message. They actually told me that's never happened before, and I think they liked it. As far as your looks go, it's good to be in shape, and dress well. Yet you might be perceived as trying too hard, and this will send the wrong message to guys. I don't know what you mean when you say 'the harder I try', but if you mean you make yourself look absolutely perfect before going out, this will be noticed and not necessarily in a good way. Guys like a woman that looks good, yes. But if she looks like she can't relax that's a different story.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (23 July 2014):
 If the guy is not attractive then don't bother. I am not going to give you this "keep looking there is 3 billion men out there" crap. Don't worry. You are not alone. If you want an answer as to why your love life is a disappointment, I will tell you the world sucks and normal life sucks. Our nature makes us want to bond and it is not natural for us to be alone. So telling you love yourself, be independent does nothing much but basically telling you to keep suppressing your needs. As a person who doesn't go out much you are pretty good with 3 men at 28.
Disney endings - exactly. We are sold on dreams like this and are conditioned to feel that our mission is accomplished only when we get married and have kids. If the world is getting miserable, life is more competitive and prices keep on going up, do you really want to bring your kids into this? If fewer men are having healthy relationships or not wanting relationships it might have to do with reproductive guilt. You can see that in developed countries the fertility ratio is under 2. When the incentive to have kids is down, so goes with the desire for men to have long term relationships. Give up on the ideal version of love but not the day to day nuance, the connection with people, no matter how long that connection lasts. The in love feeling is what everyone craves. Maybe stop yourself from saying you can only be in love when certain things are in place. Of course your mate has to be attractive and fun to be with. It's hard to feel in love with a person you are not attracted to and have no connection with.
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