A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sorry this is so long...complicated situation! My b/f and I have been dating for 10 months. I have major trust issues from a past relationship, and in March, I went through his phone and saw that he lied about going out to a bar with a co-worker (his boss' boss) one Saturday night. He claimed he was going to tell me in the morning, he was mad, and we broke up. I immediately went to therapy because I never thought I'd be that girl who went through her b/f's phone, and we got back together a day or so later.Things were going much better, then a month later, he broke up with me completely out of the blue. He kept saying it was better for me, I deserved better, etc., then it finally came out that he had lied about something in his past (something he had told me he did in the military that he didn't.) HE immediately went into therapy (which he had always been very opposed to since he has a Psych degree), I forgave him because I know he has a lot of issues about feeling like a failure, low self-esteem, etc., and he was elated that I forgave him and took him back.Again, things were going very well and a month later (last week), he broke up with me again. This time, I found out that he had hung out with a 23-yr-old female friend (we're both in our 30s) Friday afternoon while I was home (they went over to his friend's house and had a beer), AND he invited another 23-year-old co-worker out with he and his friend that Sunday night, without asking me, and lied about who was there. A friend of mine walked down the street and saw them though, so he had to fess up.We were broken up for a week and he called me Friday night, freaking out that he doesn't know what he's doing, I was scared, I went over, and we had a long discussion that he's afraid of commitment and no one's ever stood by him and everyone he's ever loved has left him, so he gets scared and runs away (his mom passed away 3 years ago, and his relationship with his son's mom was horrible and ended after 2 years.) He said that things were going really well, I was practically living there (which he wanted), then we went to a wedding, it all came to a head and he freaked out. He said he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, that I'm the best thing that ever happened to him, and he doesn't want to lose me. He said he knows it's messed up, but it was almost like he had to "test" me by breaking up with me all those times to see if I'd come back since no one has ever stood by him (he was in a severe car accident and had 2 surgeries 10 or so years ago and none of his friends stuck around.)He had therapy last night and his therapist said that it sounds like he found a good woman, he's just afraid to take it all the way because he's afraid of what bad things might happen. His friends/brothers have been telling me some things about how he's very flirtatious when he goes out, how he and the first above-mentioned 23-year-old girl have been booty call buddies for years (he swears they never slept together...he had told me they had only been friends, but with all this, he admitted that they did make out once and admitted that he did take her over to his friend's house the other day, which he admits was wrong), but part of me wonders if he's just putting on an act to be cool in front of his friends/brothers because of the self-esteem issues. None of his friends or family know that he's in therapy, he's been taught that opening up, crying, therapy, etc. are all signs of weakness...so I'm wondering if that's what's going on.I don't want to make excuses for him, and I don't want to be the idiot naive girl, and I definitely don't want this to happen another month down the road. I also don't want to walk away from a good guy who just has a lot of issues from his past that he needs to work out, especially when he IS making the effort by going to therapy.Any thoughts?
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booty call, broke up, co-worker, flirt, got back together, military, move on, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): well it seems he really likes you and as you said has a lot of issues hes working out. But i think you should talk to him about how youll never leave him and you'll be by his side no matter what. add in that if he keeps on breaking up with you and going out with different girls whenever he just feels like it, then you will end things for good. tell him theirs no rush and to just me comfortable at where hes at.
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