A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I know this sounds trivial - but my ex from years ago still keeps in touch. He visits from time to time and sends me birthday cards even though I have no more feelings for him.I am not bothered whether I keep in touch with him or not these days. We don't have much in common anymore and he is more irritating than anything else. The thing is - when I didn't send him a card last year - he complained that he never got one off me - even though I text instead and we split up years ago and to be honest we only kept sending them as we agreed to stay 'friends'.This year his gran just died and I sent a sympathy card but I have no wish to send him a birthday card - which is in a couple of weeks. Why am I worrying over this situation and should I still feel obliged to still send a card just cause of tradition?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 November 2015):
 No, don't send a card. If he complains I would really question what sort of a friend he is anyways. Friendship doesn't mean you get to demand things. Friendships, like relationships, are about accepting the other person for who they are, not demand them to fit into your own idea of how they should act and behave. If he doesn't like the friendship you have to offer him (which means texts, not cards) then he should feel free to find himself new friends.
After all, what do you care if he stays in touch or not? If you only do this for his sake, and not yours, and it'd become a bother, then for heavens sake stop the nonsense. You do not owe him anything, and you're not family, and I dare say you're not friends either. You don't refer to him as your friend, you refer to him as your ex boyfriend, which says it all for how deep the "friendship" goes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2015): Well, it's time to go no contact. You're irritated with him, you have nothing in common, and you're basically leading him on like you still have feelings for him. He's taking advantage of that. Emotionally, keeping one foot in the door just in case you might have a change of heart. He needs to move on. So, just stop. He's a grownup.
Tell time you're moving on with your life, and that you really don't feel obligated for any further contact. You didn't say whether you're presently in a relationship; but if you aren't, perhaps inadvertently you're still clinging to the past while in denial. You shouldn't feel guilt if you have no feelings.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (1 November 2015):
 I agree with BimBim
YOU do not OWE this guy "friendship" and since you aren't really friends anyways, what's the point?
Just be honest with him. Tell him I don't really see us being in contact as something I need or want, I wish you well, but I'm not really interested in visits and cards or contact".
Now of course you can probably articulate it in a nicer way than I just did - but sometimes we HAVE to say things we mean instead of pretending we are OK with it.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 November 2015):
 Don't send him a birthday card, and when he complains simply tell him you are having to cut back on some things and leave it at that. Next time he suggests dropping in, gently tell him its inconvenient that day and you have other plans. Just slowly cut the connection, one snip at a time and he will eventually get the message and cease to be an irritant, which is all he is at present.
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