A
female
age
41-50,
*apphire2010
writes:I love my boyfriend very deeply and dearly. We've been together for over a year and we lived together for about 6 months before I moved out as his teenage daughter and I could not get on. Now that we are living in separate cities I feel lost, confused and wonder whether it will ever be possible for us to live together again. Should I just cut my losses and accept that this relationship is never going anywhere or should I stay and hope that things will get better in time?
View related questions:
moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sapphire2010 +, writes (10 August 2010):
Sapphire2010 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Chigirl, thank you very much for all your insight. It gave me a lot of food for thought. You're right. Love is about taking a risk and I guess I just feel I want everything well mapped out. I have a lot of thinking to do. Thank you.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 August 2010):
 If you never dare to find out.. well then you wont know. And when it comes to love, it is always going to be a game where you risk everything, but can also gain everything. If you and him work great as a couple, then why not take a chance? Yes you might be stuck. But you will figure it out. After living in "his" city for a while you will get to know it. And if it doesn't work for you, move on. I know, moving is a pain in the ass.. I've moved several times myself. But what Im saying is that if the worst thing that can happen is that you need to move again.. well then it isn't so bad is it? His daughter might be leaving for school soon, or wanting to get her own place. Or, get comfortable with having you around. You think she might never be, but she probably will. Teenagers adjust and adapt. And they tend to care a lot more about themselves than the lives of others.
I think it sounds like your boyfriend and his daughter have a great relationship together, where he makes the home cosy, and that she likes to spend time at home. That sounds very nice to me, in many homes the teenagers can't wait to get out, there is always fighting, and the parents get right out mean. This doesn't sound like that situation at all, but a very comfortable and pleasant one. An atmosphere that sounds just perfect for a happy couple to be in. Even with the daughter not being so enthusiastic about it.
What you need to listen more to is what your boyfriend thinks. Ultimately, it is his call if he is going to let his daughter instruct him on who he can date and live with. Does he sound like HE will never go against his daughters wishes? Because if so, then you have a real problem. But if he is a right-leveled man, who thinks with his own mind and isn't manipulated by his daughter (listening to what the daughter things and valuing it is different than being manipulated), then there is a good chance this will work out.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sapphire2010 +, writes (9 August 2010):
Sapphire2010 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much chigirl for your very helpful answer. I'm sorry I didn't make it very clear but I actually moved in with my partner after 9 months together and lived there for 6 months. In a way we did both realise that it might have been to soon for his daughter and we understand that. The problem I feel we have is that she may never be ready for us to be together and I just don't know what to do. It makes total sense that his daughter (who will be 18 this month) won't change her attitude and it is difficult to know exactly what she will be doing with her future as it's a difficult age to make future concrete decisions and my partner is a very laid back dad who makes the home a very cosy place for her to hang around with the boyfriend. And of course his attitude towards her wil never change either, that makes sense too. He is her father and that's the type of relationship they have. With regards to living close but in separate homes I guess that is an option but one that I am affraid of because I'm worried if things don't work out I will just end up being stuck in a city I hardly know or in a convenient casual relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (9 August 2010):
That depends on what you wish will get better. Are they things that are possible to change, or are they set in stone? If you want him to change parts of his personality, or for his daughter to change her attitude.. then no, they will most likely not change and you would be better to cut your losses. But, if it is about how you communicate, that the living situation wasn't satisfactory (in example too little space), that his daughter was having a difficult time that she will soon get on top of (for example she will soon go to college and is stressed, but has now been accepted and can go etc). What I mean is: are the things you wish were better things that can and will change with time?
I also ask, why are you living in separate cities? Would it be possible to live closer to each other without living together? And I must also add that 6 months into a relationship is quite soon to be moving in together. Perhaps you moved forward a bit too fast, especially considering it could have been too fast forward for his daughter? How old is his daughter, will she move out soon?
There are too many factors in here for me to give you a clear answer. Try and answer some of the questions I have asked and see if it helps you sort out your situation. But all in all: if things don't work the way they are now, can they, and will they, change? If not.. perhaps best to say goodbye before you pull yourself through more heartache.
...............................
|
