A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have some niggling doubts about my boyfriend that I have been going out with for 2 years. He is 5 years younger than me - I am 36. When I first met him he admitted he had been keeping a few girls on the possibles list until then. This was totally understandable but he used to get text messages from different girls when we were going out - right until about a year in. They ranged from girls wondering where he was (work colleagues) on a night out usually drunk and in the early hours and also a woman who he said he had not seen for 5 years who was just a friend but who was married and he had pursued at one point (before she got married). This text was on a Sunday night out the blue saying "Hey how are you these days xxx" I thought it was odd because she still had his number.. but left it. One morning my bf took his mobile phone into the bathroom to reply to a text from his (then) female housemate. I also found pictures (several months in to our relationship) of other girls on his phone which he claimed he knew nothing about and his friends must have stolen his phone and took them. The thing is he would freely lend me his phone - but it never made a difference to these things. My head got messed up over trust v suspiscousSome other things don't stack up - like he decided that we should have Friday night as a 'night off' from one another. I felt a bit rejected as we didn't live together and most people viewed Friday night as a great chance to go out or just chill out with a loved one. When I rang him one time I said "Come on - do you want to pop over to mine?" and he said "No, I've had a few beers and I'm watching TV." He sounded a bit cagey so I said "Well I can pick you up if you don't want to drive." He still said no so again I decided Fridays were off. He has kept me away from all his female friends despite me asking to meet them. He accuses me of being possessive when in actual fact he has incredible freedom - plays sport all Saturday every weekend and drinks with the lads afterwards and also trains two nights a week. I never make demands on his time but I have never felt quite like he is totally 100% committed. He has made a decision to emigrate to New Zealand as he loves it - and whilst he has said he wants me to come with him, I know that if I don't our relationship will be over and he seems to quite coldly say well we'll have to move on. He has a take it or leave it attitude as if he is doing it anyway. I find it ruthless and its beginning to undermine my confidence and I'm not sure I can keep going. I have noticed he quite freely stares at other women in my presence to the point of distraction and I know men look but I am wondering if again he is that bothered about me. I feel like I am not at the age when I want to be in a relationship that is a bit immature but I don't know whether I am reading into things too much or not cutting him enough slack? I have spoken about most of these issues with him but he gets pretty annoyed pretty quick - very defensive. So I back off feeling its my paranoia. There have been a few lies along the way (including the date when he applied for his visa which he said was before our relationship started but transpired to be 8 months into it). He told me it was a long process but that was just to cover it up. He claimed he wanted to give our relationship a chance but I think he's done it for his own convenience.All of the things above aside there is part of me that just has a hunch that he is not 100% genuine or there is something superficial... and it is killing me because he is great fun, kind and very loving and we have real chemistry. There have been times where I have felt a bit manipulated and he has been a bit arrogant, flippant and not so 'deep' - and these things are really worrying me. Should I cut my losses and let him go? Am I reading too much into it all?
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female
reader, Twirly +, writes (8 April 2008):
 Hi Sweetheart,
Im so sorry to hear your story, I really feel for you and my advice would be to follow your inxtincts as sadly they are probably right.
All things aside, you are in a relationship that is making you feel insecure and under appreciated and it's not going to be good for you. Perhaps he is innocent, perhaps there's something to all of his shady behaviour, but either wasy you don't sound happy and you deserve to be.
The part about him planning to emmigrate, with or without you, really makes me think that he isn't as commited as you are and I think you would be much better off in the long run calling it a day.
I was in a relationship a few years ago with a guy who acted in very similar ways. I didn't see it at the time but it ate away at my self esteem very badly and it took me a long to time to get over it. Looking back I can't believe I put up with it but it's really hard to see things clearlt when you're in the middle of it, especially when you have strong feelings for the other person.
I wish you so much luck, and think that your battle's half over as you have recognised that something isn't righ, which is a huge step towards changingthings for the better.
Loads of love and do pop back to say how things go. x x x
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (8 April 2008):
He's going abroad, he's not bothered if you come or not.
To be honest, although I think you are probably right to split up with him, I also think you are being a bit paranoid about texts.
Girls from work might have asked him to come out for (work mate) drinks, so asking him where he is and if he's out is logical. I still have numbers in my phone from years ago, so there is nothing unusual there. The photos are a bit dodgy but men play tricks on eachother. On a friends stag night, my husband got one of those photo-keyring girls to follow them round and take lots of pictures with the groom to be a random girls for a joke.
He gives you his phone freely so he feels he has nothing to hide.
Having said all that, he seems to be distancing himself from you. This might be a coping mechanism incase you decide not to come with him to NZ. But he has lied to you about when he applied.
I think a move across the world is only something to do if you are absolutely 100 percent in love and forever. So I would say you should think about splitting up, either when he goes off, or if things are that bad, do it now.
It's up to you so sit down and talk to him calmly about it all.
Good Luck!! xx
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