A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a loving relationship with a wonderful man for just over 20 months now. We were friends before we became romantically involved, and although we've had our ups and downs, everything has generally been ok.. or so I've been naive enough to think..., I have trust issues and he's had a bit of a reputation for cheating, this fuelled my anxieties and one day I got to the point where I purposefully set my computer up so when he signed into his hotmail or whatever, I could get his password. Now, before I explain what happened there let me tell you what happened before it, so you don’t totally judge me - when Tom and I FIRST started going out, I knew his password for everything, and one day he asked me to do something to his myspace profile, I had a sneaky peak at his messages. I saw that he and some totally random girl were messaging each other, nothing overly flirty, but she had asked him what he'd done on the weekend and he said he went to London to visit the museums (which he did with me, as pretty much our FIRST proper date), but that it was a crap and he needed to get drunk afterwards to forget about it (on our way home we got extremely drunk)... I was uncomfortable with what he had said, so I was honest and open with him about it and told him exactly what I'd done, what I'd read and how it made me feel. He was quite nice about the whole thing and made me feel alright (I can’t remember exactly what he'd said because to be fair, it was AGES ago). But then, he changed his password for everything. It wasn’t like I was snooping around, but once I realized he changed his myspace password I tried it on everything else and that was that. I also signed onto his msn ONCE and discovered half of his contacts were slapper girls with names telling people their credentials and informing whoever they would do things on webcam…. I didn’t bring this up because I trusted him, and didn’t want him to think I was a bunny boiler and yet again went behind his back, snooping on him.Months passed with like I said, ups and downs, the general hoo-ha but pretty much an amazing relationship. THEN, totally out of the blue I got the most evil email from a random saying that she'd 'been having a relationship with him' over the net.... obviously I totally blew up but somehow, he managed to make ME feel guilty about it. We sort of reasoned that the whole email, the way it was typed and with some key info being missing, it could have well been one of my exes and he had been in touch the week before so seemed like a bit of a coincidence. Added to the fact he's an absolute psycho, and I think I didn’t want to believe it, it all made sense at the time. I might forward you the email so you can see that I'm not exaggerating how nasty it was. It obviously knocked my confidence and for a little while afterwards I found it really difficult to deal with. But I picked myself up and got through it.Then, a few months later, I had a look in one of his bedside table drawers and found a birthday card and letter from a girl he used to see at uni. It was kept pristinely and on top of everything, as if it either hadn’t been there long or it was looked at quite recently. I KNOW I over reacted, but AGAIN, I was honest and open about it and explained that it was a bit of a pride thing… nothing I had ever given him was kept in this drawer, I don’t think he even kept the birthday card I gave him so I was just a bit miffed. I mean, I’ve still got things from my exes and that wasn’t the problem as such, but they’re under my bed, hidden away… not right there next to it…. But like I said, I did over react and we sorted it out… but like every time before I felt that he bullied me into feeling guilty for how something he had done/said made me feel and I ended up being the one who apologized profusely. You may think this is not a massive deal really, and you’d be right until… Just after Christmas, have had lovely few days off work and with mum and Ben… and gone shopping the day after Boxing Day. I don’t know what came over me, but I decided somehow I was going to check his password and have a look at his facebook. I did this, and I found that not long after we had had the argument about the birthday card, he had messaged this particular ex… calling her Baby, telling her he missed her, telling her he thinks about her “probably too much” and asking her to call her so they can have a ‘proper goodbye’. .. Also, she had replied in a not overly interested tone, asking how his bday went and he told her he spent it with family and friends… he didn’t, he was with me for a WHOLE weekend. I confronted him and we had a furious row about it. I was absolutely heartbroken and was actually physically sick. The thought that someone who I had shared not just my life but my whole being with for OVER a year (we had not long celebrated that anniversary before he sent it) had felt this way about someone else made me feel crippled and ill. He was totally furious with the fact I went on to his facebook and thought that what I had done was worse then those messages. He admitted he missed her but it was more about the time and place than actually her as a person. I now realize I was an absolute fool and for lack of a better phrase, naïve idiot to believe this. But I did and yet again, we began working through it. He deleted his facebook account and her number off his phone voluntarily, I would never have asked him to do that because it’s not what I’m like but something inside me felt quite relieved. And after that, I did actually feel a whole lot better, which probably says a lot about me as a person.So, after this entire MISSION that I feel is probably a bit too much to be going through in such a young relationship, we returned slightly to normal. We went about our usual bits and bobs, ups and downs like I said and THEN got stuck in a rut. We would do the same things each weekend, and now he’s working, he’s falling asleep at 9o’clock… I don’t want to be in my PJ’s and in bed by that time on a Saturday night. Also, he suffers from bouts of depression which I know complicates the whole issue further, but he refuses to talk to me about it and he just pushes away. The way he treats me through it is horrible. But I love him and when he’s in that place its not him, so I take the emotional battering on the grounds that if it makes him feel better afterwards, when the black clouds have lifted and saved his mum or family from his moods, then it’s worth it. So, anyway… the way I was feeling all came to a head Tuesday afternoon whilst we were emailing at work. Conversation somehow shifted on to our relationship and I told him I didn’t want to have the conversation over email…and as a couple we’re not like that, our relationship (like it should be) is very non technological. But it just formulated and once it started it snowballed into a huge conversation which took up a large portion of my day and we ended up splitting up over it. I told him exactly how I felt about everything, and that even though I loved him and could bare the thought of being with anyone else, we probably had too many problems to work through… he vaguely agreed.Then on Wednesday we continued the conversation, in an amicable attempt to be on good terms. He said he didn’t want to break up but that if I did he wasn’t going to fight for me. So I told him I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. We didn’t talk on the Thursday but I was totally on my own all day, and like us girls do, became this crying, pathetic state and called him, telling him I thought I had made a mistake and that we should talk face to face. He agreed to meet me the next day, but couldn’t on the Saturday because he was seeing his friend Dan, who he hadn’t seen for a while… The Friday morning comes and I am feeling positive. I casually check my facebook and see he has been back on there for four days, deleting me as a friend, and setting his profile to private. I can’t quite explain what happened next because it was such a blur. My blood was absolutely boiling but I couldn’t explain why. I signed on to his account and low and behold… the Saturday he said he couldn’t meet me was actually due to the fact he was going out with a DIFFERENT ex. The first person he contacted the day after we break up was her… who he has always stuck up for, even though she seems to go out of her way to make me feel insecure and awkward. THE DAY AFTER WE BROKE UP! I phoned him in hysterics (not the best thing at 9.30 in the morning when you’ve got the whole day at work in front of you) and he was so angry that I’d looked at his profile again; he didn’t want to talk about it.Anyway, needless to say not more than five minutes after that conversation he had changed his password. So, we met up later that afternoon still, me not having eaten for three days and in a total state of psychosis, and him absolutely fuming at the breech of privacy. I totally agreed with him, I didn’t want to do it – it just sort of happened. We argued for hours, we cried and somehow came to a resolve, although I don’t know why as he proclaimed he had done nothing wrong in arranging to meet up with this ex… as far as he was concerned he was single, so why not. He said he would have canceled if he had got back together with me… I SOMEHOW took solace in this, God knows why because if it happened to someone else these excuses would just not be good enough. I don’t know why my standards for splitting up with someone aren’t as high as they would be for other people.We ended up in Richmond Hill Hotel, after hours of mental and emotional torture; I was all cried out and had never had such an argument with someone. We decided what we had was worth fighting for but that there were a lot of changes to be made and a lot more talking to do. We are fully aware that this is going to be a LOT of hard work.Since then though, I’ve had time to think even more clearly. And so many things are unfair. He told me to have a go at one of my friends because she suggested I text someone who had previously tried it on with me, but one of his best friends had told his ex girlfriend he wished she was still with him (after we’d been together a fair while AND this particular friend had met me). He thought it was appropriate to play and sing me songs (love songs and songs that depicted how upset he was when the relationship finished) that he had written about them. The list goes on, and I’m not saying I didn’t make a few mistakes concerning exes, but it seemingly either doesn’t bother him like it does me.Every relationship he’s been in before me, as far as I can tell has been them falling for him, and him coming and going as he pleases. There was once a time where I would never tolerate this behavior, but I’ve been worn down over the months and this is where I am at now.There’s a lot more to the story, and I genuinely can’t believe how long this email is already.I love this person. I care about them and I want to be with them. But the hurt, the jealousy from both of us… I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with. And this makes me wonder how much I really do love him? I was going to see him for lunch today but he cancelled on me at the last minute… which is unlike him. And also every time it takes him more than ten, twenty minutes to reply to an email, I’m suspecting he’s too busy emailing someone else. Which I know is ridiculous of me. I feel I’m being unreasonable if I ask to see his phone or his facebook/hotmail accounts… but if there was nothing to hide then where’s the problem? He has all my passwords and he HIMSELF has been through my phone and found something he didn’t like, resulting in arguments. At one point on Friday he said he’d originally closed his facebook as a gesture to make me feel better, even though I didn’t ask him to. But that he would NOT do that now, and he would not let me touch his phone... If we’re trying to rebuild each others trust then does that make sense in your eyes?***Please can you delete what you think is too much info, or inappropriate, or not necisarry**
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anniversary, at work, best friend, broke up, bullied, christmas, confidence, drunk, ex girlfriend, facebook, flirt, got back together, heartbroken, his ex, insecure, jealous, msn, my ex, myspace, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ladybug23  +, writes (17 April 2008):
I think he has something to hide. A relationship should be built on trust but he's not given you a reason to trust him.I would do the same thing your doing.He should be able to let you see everything. You may need to move on and find someone who you can trust.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (14 April 2008):
This is a relationship that is so complicated and wrapped up in tiny tiny details of who did what.
It shouldn't be this complicated, and I don't think either of you are going to get on with things when there is all this previous anger and resentment hanging over you.
You are so used to checking up on him I don't think you are going to be able to stop, and although there is nothing to hide.... It is not normal to have to show your phone, your emails or your facebook messages to your partner.
I think you should at the very least go on a proper break. Give eachother space. You say yourself you have been worn down and are not reacting in the way you think you should. You have written door mat across your face and are not sat hoping it will all magically get better.
He's not done anything huge but doesn't seem that bothered.
You've also said, you are in a young, fun time of life. This isn't a marriage. Is it really worth all this pain and hassle and stress.
Go on a break and YES, allow him to meet up with who ever he wants to, and you go off and see other guys too. After a few weeks you will be able to see clearly whether you want to be tied down to this guy, or whether you are happier single or with someone else.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008): Hi there, I really feel for you having been in a similar sort of position myself. My boyfriend also had a history of cheating and had lied to me about a girl he was living with when we first got together.At the moment you are too strung up emotionally to even think straight. I know it's very hard when you love someone but take a backwards step, finish things with him and be on your own for a while. Just give yourself breathing space to think - go out with friends, see family and try and do all the things you used to do before you met him. Grieve, tell yourself it's over in your mind and cry and pine. But don't contact him. If after a reasonable time, you see that you are in the wrong then go back to him. But I'm betting that you'll be able to see things in a more clearer light and see that he's not to be trusted. I know this is hard, but what's meant for you won't pass you by. Just from what you've typed, I don't think this man knows what he wants. Why should he treat you like this and then make out its all your fault?Get some pride and self-esteem back and then reconsider the relationship.Good Luck. Hope you feel better soon xx
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