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male
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*hingstosay
writes: I met a girl online last January year that I quickly became good friends with. I thought she was very attractive, we shared the same sense of humor, but unfortunately, she has been married for 10 years and has 3 children. So I kept it strictly as friends and nothing more.After a few months, her husband got jealous apparently of our friendship and got in a fight with her about her friendship with me. He accused her of having something more with me than just a friendship.So we stopped talking for a little bit. She wanted to show to him that it was nothing more than a friendship, but she wasn't going to give it up completely. She doesn't believe anyone should tell her who to be friends with. I didn't hear from her for a few days, but when I finally did, I found out that she was rebooting her PC one day and found a key-logging program (something that tracks all things typed) had been installed, but it wasn't installed properly so she found it. She confronted him about it, but at the same time also found an e-mail to him from some other female he was talking to that would have implied something more than a friendship. He had cheated on her before, so they decided they would try to work things out. He didn't help out with the kids much either and said that he would.I didn't talk to her for a few weeks after this. Things were for the most part the same between him and her. He has been for the most part, always been a jealous guy. She told me she had cheated on him once out of revenge for the first time he did it, but the guilt had overwhelmed her and she has never done it again.I started talking to her again, strictly as friends, every once in a while when she could sign-on. It would only be when he wasn't home, just to avoid arguements with him. Although things were still the same with him and her, I was finding myself more attracted to her, but I kept it to myself because she has a lot of things on her mind and in her life, I felt that she needed a friend more than anything.Over the summer, he went away for two weeks for work. And we got to talk a lot. Again, strictly as friends, but I was finding that her and I get incredibly well and I was finding myself drawn to her more. I also found out he had cheated on her 3 times before and that other girl from the earlier spring e-mail would have been the 4th. Towards the end of the two weeks, we discovered we shared mutual feelings for each other, but we decided it would be fair to him for her to see where things go first. She felt guilty feeling the way she did.Well, basically (tryin to keep it shortER) from the summer up until just after the new year, things have been for the most part the same. She is still with him, he is still the same. Except I recently found out that her and I feel much stronger about each other and it IS mutual. I know some of you may think we're crazy, but we haven't met yet, and I think that if we do, we will get along wonderfully. We both make each other happier than we have ever been in the past few years. She makes me happier than any woman has in my entire life. We've both been great influences on each other's lives.She says she doesn't want to hurt him, but she also doesn't want to hurt me. I don't want it to be a choice between me or him. I told her that I want it to be a decision of him and not him... then when she is single again, me or not me.She wants to try one last time to try to work it out. And I understand that. She has 3 children with him and I know if he changed that would make her happy. But his record during their marriage has proven he always goes back to being the jealous type again.I love everything about this girl, and I believe I could love her. I believe she deserves better. I'm not saying I am better. But I think she deserves to be happy.The best thing I can think of doing is staying there and being a friend for her. But as her friend, I don't want to see her get back with him and who knows how long he will stay 'changed' for the better? At the same time, I don't want to lose her either. Am I doing the right thing? Or should i be trying harder? I can't back out completely. I am her friend and she needs me there for her.Thanks for any input and sorry it's so long....
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male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (13 January 2006):
 I dont think you are crazy. I would say that broadly speaking you are doing the right thing which is to give her your whole-hearted support in the path she chooses. If he does change then you won't lose her totally because part of his transformation should be to accept your friendship. Then you will be faced with the challenge of moving on however you would at least be safe in the knowledge she was happy.
If he doesn't change you will be there to pick up the pieces for her and she will need that and your feelings for each other would help her heart heal. She will mentally credit you for sticking by her and giving her the space to choose her own path and hopefully something wonderful would bloom for you both.
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female
reader, CCNJ +, writes (13 January 2006):
Run like the wind. No matter how much you are in love with this woman- you will be crushed in the end. She has her issues with her husband- but he will always be in the picture whether they are married or not. She has 3 children with him. All may seem well and good now to you - but she is hurting and needy (which is why she is so wonderful to you). If you push the issue now- when she's obviously trying again to fix her failed relationship- it will only hurt you and demolish your own self esteem in the end.
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