A
female
age
,
*ugestina
writes:My boyfriend for a year and a half invited me down to meet his mother last saturday. And since I will be moving to Iowa what was the point on meeting his mother right? Well he explained to me that he wanted to see if there other doors to be opened. What ever that meant I still didn't get a clear picture.Well to make this long story short. We got into his car and were driving to her house. His mother lived about forty minutes away. I asked my boyfriend in a curious manner "what does your mother know about me" In which he reply "Nothing I never told her about you". I was in shock and hurt. A dead silence to place between the two of us. I was thinking I wish I could turn back but instead I weeped silently in the car. When we got there I put on a happy face and she turned out to be a very lovely lady.After that We got back into the car and I began to ask him why he never told her about me and he said it wasn't personal but his mother sometimes go overboard with the idea that her son will bring home a potential daughter in law. I just don't get. Never once I was invited down there because no one in his family new he was dating. He told me the last girlfriend that he had live with didn't know his mother untill the month she had moved in with him. What am I supposed to make of this?
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female
reader, augestina +, writes (25 March 2008):
augestina is verified as being by the original poster of the question I will be moving to Iowa in the summer. And no he will be here. The relationship that I have with him now will soon have to end. I think if he didn't want to tell his mother about me that would of been ok but to intentional keep me in the dark about him not saying that he didn't even say anything about his mother not knowing anything about me was selfish. I felt very uncomfortable about the situation and that he should of at least told me before we left in the car to see her. I see there was no point to this only because I will be moving. I did ask him again what was the point of meeting his mother when I will be moving any way? His reply was" To see if he could open some doors" I'm confused and I feel that he has been evasive with me. He did offer last month that My son and I could move in with him but because he never spent much time with my son to bond with him. There was no choice but to decline the offer because my boyfriend never made the effort on being a part of his life. My son comes first in my life and if my boyfriend would of really wanted to live with him he would of spent more time with him. My sons father has been deceased for about five years.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): Don't be too angry. I have had a boyfriend for 2 years now and my parents don't know (I'm 35). I was married and my parents 'adored' my husband in fact my mother in particular was often more bothered about him than me. The whole 'bubble' got burst when my marriage began to break down. Despite me suffering emotional and sometimes physical abuse my mother seems unable to accept the wrong doings and brushes over them - this hurts me - and she was unable to support me because of her 'disappointment' which she openly displayed towards me at a time I needed love. I realise now that I kept my marriage going to please everyone else - most especially my mother. I would have been letting her down. I wanted this new relationship to take its course on MY terms not hers. I think she would judge my boyfriend (who is a lovely guy and very very different from my ex) and to be frank I don't want her comments until I have decided how I feel. In other words I want the relationship to have the space to grow. Sometimes mothers in particular can pass comments which run deep and really get to us - sometimes they don't realise what they say, other times it is totally deliberate. Your man knows his mother best and he may have done this to save something he really cares about - your relationship. Mens mothers often appear nice at first but there is a strong reason for him doing this and your concern should be to support him in whatever makes him feel most comfortable. There is nothing sinister in what he has done - more that he is taking control of the situation rather than letting his mother. I hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2008): Well I have a controlling mother myself and I have to live with her because of a lack of a job right now and I'm truly planning on doing the same thing as your boyfriend when I have my next relationship. In fact, I have promised myself I will not have another relationship until I get out of this house.
If you meet my mother you'll also like her a lot but you don't know the manipulative monster behind and she doesn't understand how much suffering she causes.
I used to trust my mother greatly but with time I understood she interfered too much on my decisions judging them.
She thought I was an extention of her own personality and I frequently doubted myself, felt very insecure and my self esteem went to the floor.
That's a toxic parent and they must be stopped somehow. They will push and push and you'll never know what you want because they are there all the time assuring you that what they want is the best thing and not what you want.
I needed to dump my last boyfriend but my mother made me think I was the one with the problems and I didn't dump him and things changed for the worse between us and I had to dump him anyway when he hurt me a lot more. Thanks mom.
I know about mothers desperate to see their son/daughter get married but they are the first ones who showed us how much you suffer in a marriage. So I don't blame him at all.
I also believe and have actually seen that a man will treat his lady the way he treats his mother. Therefore you have a red flag there on one hand, but on the other hand Can we blame him (or myself) for having a controlling mother and trying to look for ways to neutralize those manipulative souls?
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