A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I think my boyfriend cheated on me. He invited a couple who we know since we were teenagers and another friend (m). They are all 30 and I’m 25. They came over for barbecue at night and I didn’t want to party which he knew very clear. I wasn’t aware that they’d come until very late so I went downstairs later when the men were already cooking and my boyfriend had been drinking since two hours earlier. He was clearly out of it, and he acted weird, I felt left out. Then my friend who already in the past has been vocal about my boyfriend flirting with her, (and I think she likes the attention) tells me he gave her some pill and she threw it away and told him she took it. I was so angry but I had to keep it together. Then everyone got drunk and I wasn’t drunk because I had to take care of everything and my boyfriend disappears with my friend who was in a bikini. I was trying to find them but the house is huge, and I just gave up then I drank a lot to make myself feel better but I just never got that drunk. Some time passed between 20 minutes or more.Then we got out of the pool and he and her appeared and he went straight to sleep. She started saying that she feels on drugs and she’s not being herself and that my boyfriend probably put something in her drink, I start to panic and told her no way but in reality I’ve never seen him like that. I checked her pupils with a flashlight and she was fine but she kept saying which was so sus. She was drunk! We finish watching a movie and they just decide to stay the night which wasn’t in the plans so I wake him up and say come over and my boyfriend just sits behind her in the couch, and in the middle of the movie starts stroking her back and touching her hair and she was smiling I was slowly dying and crying without saying anything. It’s like I wasn’t even there. He said “your hair is so pretty!” That’s when I got so angry that he realized a few moments later. Her boyfriend had starting to touch my back! It was so disgusting, the man were all hugging too.. My boyfriend starts to touch my face and I just push his hand away over and over again until he just stood up and went to sleep. It was the worst night of my life. Yesterday I was acting like nothing happened until he told me “why do you wear your hair like that? It makes you look old” And it triggered me so I told him what happened and he acts defensive and denies, denies. The he even started to push the narrative that I drunkenly made out with a girl like 6 months ago and I don’t remember, which is false! But he swears it is true. We have been together 7 years and have a toddler. It breaks my heart so much. I can’t leave him right now and I want to get back at him so bad because I’m so hurt. It’s not the first time…
View related questions:
cheated on me, drugs, drunk, flirt Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2022): The house is huge? Oh come on now. Unless he is a billionaire it cannot be that big.
He does not think he is your boyfriend. He thinks he is free and single and you are there when it suits him in between.
When women are with men who won't marry them and make a proper commitment to them this is often what happens. You cannot have it both ways. No commitment means no loyalty or honestly and no love usually too.
You are using each other. But I suspect you need him a lot more than he needs you and get a lot more from him - after all he can easily get another woman who is less needy - and this is why you are worried.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2022): You didn't need to mention that you had a toddler; it's irrelevant to the situation, but that's often indicated (as a matter of fact) to discourage any advice to leave the guy. You can both still co-parent, and be civil to each-other. If you separate, you don't have to have much else to do with him; and you can go about your life. He's your boyfriend, but not your husband. He is not placed under the same moral-standards or restrictions as a husband. He is always aware of this. A child is not a marriage license.
You seem to recall things very clearly. If you and/or your mate get blackout drunk, or take recreational drugs; you can't be sure of what you did, or didn't, do. However, you know what you've seen with your own sober eyes, and what you've heard with your own ears. You can be drunk, and still recall what you've seen; unless you're deliriously drunk! That's why testimonies of rape are still acceptable in a trial. I hope she doesn't plan blackmail, or to use that in any egregious way. Take note of any suspicious implications.
It appears your boyfriend was setting the stage to have an orgy. I pretty much think that's your suspicion. I'm only speculating, so don't let me add words; but putting two and two together, this is what I derive from your post. When your mate flips the script, or uses gaslighting tactics to dismiss your concerns; that forces you you into the position of making a life-altering decision. You can pretend you know nothing, and nothing ever happened; but your awareness of the facts will never allow you to fully let it go. Otherwise, you can make a final-confrontation to expose the facts; and base your decision on the truth. You then proceed from there.
He disappeared with this woman, and cannot account for his whereabouts. You searched for them, while still sober; and couldn't find them in your own house. I don't care how big your house is; you didn't search hard enough, so you can't accuse someone of what you can't prove. He will deny it until the cows come home! They later appear together; so your presumptions or suspicions are not entirely dismissable. It's up to you what you believe, or disbelieve.
You have enough evidence to make a decision. The question is, what are you willing to do about it? If you can't force a confession, or if he finally does confess, what do you intend to do about it?
You don't necessarily need more proof. You know what you've seen. How much can you handle before you make a decision? You can still get child-support; so don't let that stand in your way. You shouldn't put-up with cheating and lying for the child's sake. He can still love, parent, and spend time with his child. You don't have to spend your life being suspicious, stewing in your pain (or suspicions), and living in denial. This is what causes emotional-trauma, bitterness, and despair. If you think couple's-counseling will help, seek it. Judge by his willingness to restore your trust, and maintain your relationship. If he loves you, and wants to keep your relationship intact; he will be cooperative. If he's going to stick to his story, and you know you can't trust him. Don't wait until you're emotionally wrecked by PTSD, and when you finally decide to get out of this relationship; you'll need therapy, and will likely drag your baggage into one failed-relationship into the next. Place you and your child first; when you get no cooperation from the man you think you love.
Cheating is proof of a love-deficiency, a lack of value in having someone's trust; and proves a person is capable of betrayal without remorse. Lies are not meant to preserve the relationship; they are to protect one's self from any consequences for your actions or bad-behavior. It's only human nature, and our sense of self-preservation, to want to getaway scot-free after we do something wrong, or after hurting someone.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2022): I read all of that then got the end where you say 'I can't leave him right now' and realised i'd wasted my time reading all of that.
So what if he did cheat? You aren't going to leave him as you've already said.
I feel for your toddler who is in the middle of this disgusting mess. Where was the poor little one when all of this was going on? When Mummy's 'friend' was accusing Daddy of drugging her? When Mummy and Daddy were getting blind drunk and having backs stroked/stroking backs of other people? Whilst Daddy was missing for 20 minutes with another woman?
Please! Grow up and think of the irreparable damage that the actions of you and your boyfriend are going to do to this child. You choose to take part in this chaos but your poor child doesn't.
...............................
|
