A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I met a man through friends about 4 months ago and we started seeing each other as just friends. Our friendship seems to be growing into something more which is lovely, as we get on really well and it's obvious that he likes me very much. Each time I see him he seems to be more and more in to me. We currently only see each other every couple of weeks due to distance. Nothing physical has happened between us, although he's very tactile - touches my arm, puts his arm around me, and always gives me big long hugs. He's very attentive, tells me I look lovely, tells me how much he enjoys my company. And he's always planning the next thing for us to do together. Sounds like the perfect beginning to a relationship....However, when we first met he told me that he has a lady friend who he has known for a year or so. He told me that, a few months before he met me, he realised that he had developed feelings for her and he asked her to have a relationship with him. The lady told him no and he was very upset and disappointed. They continued to be friends.He is very honest with me and tells me that he still sees this lady every few weeks or so as just friends. I don't make much comment about this as we're still very new to each other and I don't feel that I have the right to. Also, he has told the lady about me, so I'm not a secret. I would love to move forward into developing a relationship with this man, but am wary about his friendship with this lady. If it was the lady who had feelings for him I wouldn't be too worried about them being friends. But the fact that he was the one with the feelings for her makes me very uneasy and I wonder if he is still holding a torch for her. We haven't discussed this as I don't want to appear jealous and needy, plus I don't want to ask him to give up his friend for me.I don't know how he feels about the lady now he has met me. But I do know that he likes me very much.Do any of you have any advice on how I should handle this? Should I ask him how he feels about her now? Should I ask him to choose between the two of us? Should I allow a relationship with him develop with this lady in the background? I am very confused!Thank you all.
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (3 September 2015):
 Telling you about his feelings towards this woman is very upfront and honest but I can hardly see why he would think that his "just friends" relationship would not be of concern for you or a bit insulting that you should be ok as his waiting in the winds you'll do for now woman. No doubt he likes you but the threat is he still like her. This would make anyone feel uneasy and it's crazy to be thinking otherwise. If you are important to him then he should see this and walk away from this other woman. it's not your job to make yourself feel although you are important enough to warrant it- it is his. He can hardly give the relationship his undivided attention when he is split between two women. This is not about her not being interested romantically, which is a bonus, but it about his. On that note friendships have a funny way of sparking an interest when the interest is shared with another and life is too short too short to be catting over a man incapable of making a decision. If he wants to make a fool of himself by continuing to hold a flame by someone that has already extinguished it then thats his problem, don't sit around and let him make a fool of you in the meantime by being his consolation prize.
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