A
male
age
41-50,
*ries
writes:Ok, here goes. This is a long post, but Its complicated or at least I think it is. Back in the spring 05 I got married, had a child and then my wife left a year later while my daughter was very young. I retained custody through the divorce and been single for over three years now. I haven't dated since the divorce and well mostly been a social recluse. Now last week I found a girl I knew 8-9 years ago and sent her a letter saying Hey! remember me? If so hit me back. She did and we chatted and exchanged numbers. When I first met her years ago, we only dated for little over a month and then hung out off and on for the next year. She married 6 years back and has 3 kids now. Now she is also in process of getting a divorce. He has moved out and she has made it clear with out a doubt there is no fixing it and she is done with him. Now, the problem. Since I found her, we chatted via internet for the first 2 days now we talk every night via the phone. First night was 5 hours, next was 4 then again for 4-5 and now roughly 3-5 hours a night. Depending when she gets tired, but we always say, talk to you tomorrow and then start the process over again. Mostly we just talk about our kids or our the ex's. I know the rule of thumb is not to, but we both do it and it normally stems from talking about our kids. We also talk about old times and the crazy stuff we did "for that month" or various things we did while we hung out. Then she tells me how its nice to have someone to talk to and she tells me how she just met all the wrong men, and I told her how I never really told her how much I really did like her. We both flirt back and forth, but We are both flirts anyway. Her divorce is ending a lot like mins did and she has told me how she's scared about being single now and how she always just seems to bounce back into another relationship. She just wants to find someone she can finally trust and not be a jerk and show her what romance really is. Also her youngest child's birthday is coming up and she invited me to come out. I told her today I was thinking of coming out and she informed me, "Sure, but you know my ex will be there and so will his family. So Heads up that they will possibly be jerks or say rude things about me."So now I'm wondering. I'm a big guy, when she met me, I was a big guy, but I've put on some weight the last 7-8 years since we met, where she has not. From being overweight I do have self confidence issues and renown for being shy, which she remembers well. So I just don't know what to do. I do enjoy talking to her every night and well, I've been single the last three years and gave up on finding anyone else. She has been wishing she was single the last 3 years and scared of what things may be like now. We never talked about going out on a date, other than her saying, I would love to see this movie coming out or we should get together for our kids to have a play date etc...I want to ask her out, but I don't want to go to a movie. I wouldn't mind seeing the movie, but Id rather just surprise her with a fun night out like miniature golf or something just goofy. To help her take her mind off of things and let her know she can still have fun. Maybe even mini golf then the movie. I don't know, I'm just hopelessly lost and confused and definitely do not want to ruin something that could or could not be something more... I know this is a long post and I'm sorry, I just dont know how to explain it with less words.Please help?
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confidence, divorce, exchanged numbers, flirt, moved out, my ex, overweight, shy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Eries +, writes (17 September 2009):
Eries is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both, its just uncertainty from being scorned before so many times. You know, if you whip a dog enough it will always expect a whipping. I don't have any friends I could ask for advice specially females. Again thank you both.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2009): I don't think your weight is an issue, she probably is not that shallow and realizes what she wants and needs in a man and a relationship. I think your idea of a date where you act goofy and talk is a brilliant idea. Get the friendship back first and let things happen naturally.
Don't be afraid of getting hurt, but one word of caution, she is not even divorced yet and has to get over her marriage and it's loss, she has a tendency to jump back into relationships and that isn't a recipe sometimes for success, so realize this, that she needs time to heal and don't rush things even if she wants to.
I think you sound like a wonderful catch, you don't realize how hard it is to find truly kind and caring men like you who want a real relationship. So have some confidence in yourself and all the best.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 September 2009):
 I say go for it, ask her out. Just take things slowly and try to relax and have some fun, you both deserve it. In my opinion, the best relationships start with friendship. Good luck Buddy, you sound like a real keeper.
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