A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have signed up for this website for the purpose of my issue. This may be lengthy but I appreciate anyone willing to hear what I have to say. I've had my fair share of relationships but I met a guy from England online in late November of last year. He was everything I wanted in a man and we had so much in common that it was a little scary at first. We both loved old Hollywood movies, The Beatles, Star Wars, indie folk music, etc. We were also very compatible in Astrological signs since I am a Leo and he is a Cancer. He balanced with my temper very well and was a very patient guy. He was willing to move to U.S. and meet me and live with me, for it was always a dream of his to move here any way. Everything seemed to perfect. We could talk for hours and hours every day on the phone and had perfect conversation online too. He seemed everything I wanted in a guy and he fell in love with me so hard. I am his first love and he's never loved anyone or had a relationship before. He is two years older than me, has an English accent that I go crazy for... He wanted to take care of me. He paid for the phone bills and everything seemed so perfect...However, I was not attracted to him physically. He had about 200 photos online and I only liked about 10-20. I struggled every day trying to be attracted to him. I understand that looks aren't important; nevertheless, I think it is important to be attracted to them and think they're the most gorgeous man and only man you look at if they're the "one." I've had boyfriends not good looking but I found them the most gorgeous guys in the world when I was with them. Well anyhow, he tried all he can to try and change physically for me because he knew my situation. He was so in love with me and I wouldn't change his mind. We thought that since we got the hard part out of the way we'd be all right since looks are easier than personality. He also wanted to make these changes and he said I served as motivation to make him more confident in his skin. He started exercising and lost a fair amount of weight, dresses nicely, got a nice haircut, and even a nose ring because he had always wanted one too. Nevertheless, every day I struggled to maintain attraction to him. I tried to brainwash myself by making my favorite picture of him my screensaver on my phone, computer, iTouch, etc. He also removed all his "bad" photos on Facebook to maintain it as well. I would always get random insecurities. Problems started to surface. I still hadn't seen him on webcam and we had a set date - once he felt he had accomplished all the necessary changes before I see the new him he would go on webcam... and I waited almost four months. We had other issues. I found out that he had a jealousy issue and would get jealous about ridiculous things. I also found that the quality of our conversations started fading. I kept getting bored, feeling like every set time to talk was like an appointment. We had only a few set times we can talk in a day because of his mom and the telephone and time difference. We started arguing about random things that were ridiculous. I started feeling more unhappy... the vibe we had in the beginning was deteriorating. I started not looking forward to talking as much and not missing him a lot. However, he kept falling more in love with me regardless. He accepts that I'm not physically attracted to him and rather I see him on webcam first and meet him someday in the summer when he saves up money for California. There's a quality in him that is missing for me, however. I always second-guess if he's the "one". I also made sacrifices myself. I want to be a guitarist someday and I used to practice 3-5 hours a day. Every since he came around, I've been devoting time for me. I'm finding it hard to balance school, my passion for philosophy books, guitar practice, chores, family, friends, etc. with the distance.I hadn't spoken to him for a day on a Friday night because I was "obligated" to talk 5pm to him while I was spending time with my friends. He felt sad that we couldn't talk and that hurt inside prevented me from having fun with my friends. I realize he's gotten so attached to me and his happiness or quality of day is dependent on me. I don't like this responsibility. I know I've made a grave mistake. I didn't even miss him from the space we had and all I thought about was how insecure I was... how I didn't know if he was the "one" or how he'll fit into my life when I go to college. I'm going to college in the fall and I'll be busy driving back and forth from the college, college work, bringing my sister to school and picking her up, 5 hours of guitar practice and guitar lessons, exercising, philosophy books at night, etc. I don't know how I'll be able to make time for him when I have this life ahead of me. And to make it worse, I started finding his friend more attractive than him. It was so much more natural for me and he had qualities I really liked like love for some of my interests and stuff. It's not like I'd make a move on him anyhow, it's nothing more than a small attraction. Anyhow, the main guy I'm talking about also doesn't have a quality I've always wanted. I've always wanted a guy to be ambitious about life, having some drive in their life or passion such as philosophy or music. Someone who thinks like me and has had some trauma in their life to be able to relate to me. The main guy has almost similar interests in me but they only go so far. I need someone refreshing. I loved talking to him on the phone but things feel different. I feel I am drifting away and growing distant, starting to lose interest in his personality too. But he's such a good guy. I can tell him anything and laugh and he makes me feel beautiful. He was there for me when my mom was in the hospital and almost died.I don't know what to do. Why can't I just fall in love with him and know? And at the same time, I want to get my life together and set my priorities and do the things I loved again... I love my passions more. I tried to explain it to him yesterday on the phone and today and we both can't stop crying. When I told him my intentions, all of a sudden I have mixed feelings. I do love him but I'm not sure if I'm in love with him. I don't know if he's worth having to take that risk. When he's unhappy or feels the conversation isn't satisfactory, I feel unhappy at night. I couldn't sleep till 4:30 am yesterday and I've been overwhelmed with stress in my life. I don't know why I'm crying so much and finding it hard to keep myself from him. I know perhaps if I stick around I will perhaps feels the same and just as insecure about him. And with college coming up, I might not be able to concentrate on my life and the things I have to do. I might not have time for him and it'll hurt the both of us. I tried negotiating with him and seeing if I can just talk to him when I want to and give me freedom to date whoever I want if they come my way. To be able to have my freedom again. I feel like I had been put in a cage. I'm so confused. I do love him. I do care about him. That's why this is so hard for me and it hurts me. We tried to not have much pressure on attraction, that if we meet and it's not there, we can just be friends and he'd understand. But all his hurt, I can tell it'll hurt me too seeing him that way. And with my life developing and progressing, I want to bloom. I want to reach my potential, study and conquer my career dreams. I don't know if I should keep him around or end it now for the best. I want my career or I want him. He's so far away and I wouldn't want a relationship with him even if I found him compatible to me in real life. I want to put my studies first. At the same time, I don't want to pass on the opportunity of a great guy. He's just so sensitive because of the love he has for me. He's taking it hard but he says he doesn't want to lose me completely. We're best friends right now.There may be a possibility I can fall in love with him. But that risk is on my career and if I meet him and fall for him, it'll be too far gone where I probably have to be committed to give him time on the phone/webcam. I don't want to pass on an opportunity, I mean he would change religion for me and even raise his children my preferred religion. He'll do anything for me and I know his love is genuine. It's just not easy for him but I know he'll comply with whatever I choose. He has ambitions too, by the way. He wants to study at a university in America and has been trying really hard for that.I cannot stop crying. I feel so depressed, so confused. Someone please help me. I need your insight. I want what's best for the two of us. I feel so guilty to have to put him through this. I feel TERRIBLE every time I hurt him with the truth. I want him to realize that he's my best friend and what's meant to be will happen when it is. I feel horrible though for troubling him... but he loves me. I never had anyone love me the way he loves me in so short a time. Maybe I have too many expectations. One might I want him in my life, one minute I want to rid of him for the best. What to do... It is the worst pain. I cannot stop crying.Should I stick around and be his friend despite the risk it may pose to my future career?Or should I abandon it now so he can find someone that loves him just as much as he loves me and I can concentrate on my dreams?Please help. All feedback is appreciated.(Yes, I realize I am a wretched, pathetic being. I accept that. I wish I were a better person too.)
View related questions:
ambition, best friend, depressed, facebook, fell in love, insecure, jealous, money, move on, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 March 2012):
 I think if you start to cut down on the contact he will stop talking to you and I don't think you can go from being "in a relationship" to being friends unless you BOTH want that.
Learn from this experience.
Do you really think he wants to "just" be friends? After all it sounds like he's got his life planned out with you.
A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (26 March 2012):
 No don't continue to be friends with him and don't meet him... you'll disappoint yourself with the expectations you would have probably put in that situation... people aren't always as they seem to be. That's why I think that you have to meet someone in person first if you want to be friends or have a relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've decided to distance myself for the time being and focus on my career. He probably isn't the one.
However, I need clarification. Should I still be friends with him and meet him someday or is it not a very good idea?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 March 2012):
Honey, you feel in love with the IDEA of him, but not the actual guy.
Been there, done that.
Go for your dreams. End the fantasy with this guy, because even it if feels real, it's not.
Next time you want to find a guy, try one in your own zip code. LDR are tough.
...............................
A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (25 March 2012):
Sweetie, he isn't the "one." You shouldn't have to force yourself to love "the one."
NEVER, should a man or woman be in the way of going for your dreams.
I feel like you've answered this for yourself, yet you don't want to admit it.
End this relationship, and focus on your dreams, don't settle for this guy.
You are so young, so you do what makes you happy. You are at that age where you start discovering who you really are. Love and a relationship can come much later.
Focus on yourself.
...............................
|
