A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Well here goes. I met this woman about one year ago and we hit it off immediately. I mean we have everything in common. It wasn't long before we fell in love. I am a 40 yr old divorced man and I have custody of my three children ages 15, 8 and 5. She has a 8 yr old son from a previous relationship. Our kids love each other and I love her son like he is my own. We get along and have no problems at all. Here is the problem; about three months ago she said she is afraid to be the mother of three extra children. It was a shock to me. I almost ended the relationship right then, but she assured me she is working it out. She is 30 yrs old and hasn't completed her degree of study. Her main concern is she will not have a life with the added baggage of children. I am an independent person who is well in charge of my children and my career. She gets along with them and treats them better than their real mom every has. I had to move away due to my job, but we communicate two to three times a day. She tells me she is so in love with me and misses me so much. I have offered everything to her such as moving here and I will support her efforts to finish school and we will still have a life with fun and travel. But she said she is still working out the issue. It has been almost two months since we have been apart and I feel as close to her as I did before. She calls and emails me daily with i love you and i miss you quotes. I think we are perfect together, we do everything together and are so much in common its like we have known each other all of our lives. She is coming to visit in two months and she said she wants to see if she can handle this situation. I am so confused that I second guess everything. Bottom line what if anything can I do to assure her that everything will be okay.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2007): Give her some time... Relax!! 3 EXTRA children is not easy !!!! be patient, she is trying hard!!! good luck! take more good care of her & not only the children. she needs LOVE too!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2007): Give her some time... Relax!! 3 EXTRA children is not easy !!!! be patient, she is trying hard!!! good luck! take more good care of her & not only the children. she needs LOVE too!!
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A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (28 February 2007):
 hi
i think this is a good woman you have here. its good that she shared with you her fears because it means she is willing to try but will need a lot of support from you. imagine she had kept it to herself and you are surprised when she cant handle the kids well obviously you will be disappointed. her perception is different from yours because you have lived with the kids all their lives so u dont see what can be hard, she knows how much your kids mean to you and doesnt want to do anything that will compromise your love for her or the children, remember its just a fear make her comfortable and it will soon dissappear. i have a 9yr old son and he is such a handful and i always feel a lot of admiration for woman who are raising more kids because of the experience i have with just raising one, so it will scare me to death too if i have to be an instant mother to three more kids.
her fears are natural dont overreact by threatining to breakoff the rship allow her to be afraid of her added responsibilities it will give her courage to want to face them. try and put yourself in her shoes and you will know why is such a scary thought. if you put her in alot of pressure you will scare her away, or she will try to do everything in order to impress you and we both know that will be a disaster waiting to happen.
take it easy.
Jovial
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2007): If you've convinced her to do a trial run, it sounds like you're already on the right track. You just need to make sure that run goes as smoothly as possible. Make sure you don't have any pressing engagements at work for that time (get everything you can taken care of in advance) so you can be around a little more to help ease her through the transition. It seems that one of your children at least is old enough (15?) to assume a little bit of responsibility in running the house - if he hasn't already, get him on board for before your girlfriend arrives. Lastly, if her main concern is about not having fun, use her trip to turn that assumption around and plan some activities with your children to show her that having so many kids can (at least sometimes) be a source of enjoyment.
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