A
female
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anonymous
writes:so my friend and i are moving up north for college together. we are going to be living together in an apartment or house. my problem is her boyfriend is going to the same college we are and she has already told me that he will probably be over a lot and will be spending the night or she will be spending the night at his place a lot. i guess im just afraid that i am either going to be a permanent 3rd wheel or completely alone!! i dont have anything against her bf, but i dont really like him that much either. i wouldnt mind if this was going to be something that didnt happen very often, but it looks like it will. i just don't know how to talk to her about it, because i dont want her to think she has to hang out with me all of the time or that i completely hate her bf... any advice?? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007): I have to say-this is very, very typical with females that share living accomodations. If I were you, I wouldn't say a word to her. Perhaps just lay out that each of you are responsible for the cleaning and costs of the flat. Your future roomate has come forward and truthfully told you, that she and her bf will be spending time at each others places a lot. So you now know, what to expect and what you will have to do when you get to college. Start getting busy and try making new friends. Join social groups, college activities that will keep you busy. I think you are expecting your roomate to 'be there' to help you through the initial transition of living away on your own and that's quite unfair to her. She is in a love relationship and she's entitled to spend time with her bf. As long as she's being responsible and paying her 1/2 of the rent, her share of the groceries and doing her bit at keeping the flat clean by picking up after herself (and him, when he's there)..I don't see where this can be a problem. You are making it a problem based on your own 'fear of being alone'. Your fears are controlling you, so rather than putting the burden on your roomate...absorb your fears and do something about it, as suggested to you, above..
If this situation is not what you want, then I suggest you tell her that..now. So other arrangements can be made or just accept she has a life which involves her boyfriend. But just remember, what would you expect her to do, if it were you who had a bf coming over to visit. As long as she is respecting you, giving you space to and quiet to study and not putting you out, with a lot of noise...then, yes--compromise and accept this as Stina and CD mentions. If you don't like the arrangement then you had better speak up now, so other plans can take place. But as far as telling her how she can conduct her 'own life' to accomodate you and your sad feelings of being a 3rd wheel and your fear of being lonely..that's not her job. It's your job to do all you can to be happy with yourself. Good luck and take care, dear.
A
female
reader, stina +, writes (14 June 2007):
 Hi Anonymous,
It is extremely important to have a roommate contract of sorts when you live with someone - this way it prevents any problems from occuring in the future.
What I would do is sit down and have a friendly conversation with your friend about what you want the living situation to be like, and also find out what her thoughts are. Write down what you each expect and then go down the list and compromise on the things you don't agree with.
For example, I would let her know that you would really rather limit the number of ties her boyfriend spends the night because it will impact your studies. This is a valid reason not to want much company during the week, so she should be able to understand that and agree. Maybe let her know that three nights a week is fine (she can always go to his place, so three in my mind is more than enough nights to stay over.) And you two could always make your own date nights - where you just hang out together and do fun things minus any boyfriends.
Just make sure to talk things through without trying to sound controlling. Roommate troubles are the WORST and you don't want to have to live with someone who ends up resenting you. That can feel so awful - to be uncomfortable in your own home.
But I'm sure if you talk things through beforehand, it will allow less chance for stepping on one another's toes. Plus it's pretty normal for people - especially those in college - to have roommate agreements/contracts. Do a quick search on google to find out what topics you guys may want to discuss. Here are few links that I was able to find and that looked pretty helpful:
http://www.roommateroommateroommate.com/roommaterules.html
http://www.runet.edu/~dos-web/roommate.htm
www.radford.edu/~dos-web/RoommateContract.doc
Hope this helps! Remember, as in any relationship - romantic, a friendship, as a roommate, etc - communication is key!
Take care.
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A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (14 June 2007):
 Well.... living with other people is so hard because you have to put up with a lot of stuff you don't like. It's all about compromise. What I would say to you though is that when you go to college you'll meet so many people if you only try to. The problem with going anywhere with a friend is that you don't make so much of an effort to meet new people, but I think if you just put a little effort into it you'll find you're not the third wheel at all, that you'll have a better social life than them.
CD
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A
female
reader, Variety +, writes (14 June 2007):
 Hey hun. I know how you and her feel. I am in my first year at uni and next year am moving out of halls with six other mates. It is likely my boyfriend will be around a fair bit. But I have discussed this with my friends and they think it will be fine (maybe as there is more of us it will not be such an issue). Say as much as you like her boyfriend it is you who she has chosen to live with and so she should check it is ok he is around (not asking permission every time but just if he is around a lot/or she feels not enough). You will have a great time next year and meet loads of exciting new people. It is unlikely that you will get the space to breathe, let alone be lonely. Message me if you want to chat. xxx
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A
female
reader, Beckto +, writes (14 June 2007):
 If what you're really worried about it being a 3rd wheel, don't sweat it: If you're starting college, you will find more new friends than you will know what to do with! Of course, your roomie and her bf will be your only friends when you first get there, but just give it some time. My first year in college was a total blast, and my roommate had no real role in my life besides being just my roommate.
If your issue is that you just don't want a guy sleeping over in your apartment, then talk to her about that. Before you two move in together you're going to have to talk about ground rules. How clean do you keep the place, who pays what bills, and if having a guy sleep over every night is ok or not.
Just relax. All the stress of moving to a new place, starting college, leaving all your high school friends will subside soon!
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