A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I bumped into an old school who has just returned from travelling and started a new job in the same clinic as me. I was surprised as I have been working here for several years and she didn't mention it in any e mails. She moved away to Australia 3 years ago and we were not so close recently jut e mailing every now and then.I was really happy to see her and it was very emotional. She then dropped the bombshell and told me that she was engaged to my ex of 5 years who I have just broken up with 3 months ago. I was so upset I had to go home there and then and take the next week off with stress.I have hardly spoken to him as he broke up with me because he wanted to go travelling. I now know he went to Australia to be with her and I had no idea they were even dating let alone lving together and planning a future. They are moving very close to where I live and she has joined the gym where I go and has also bought a puppy the same breed and colour as mine. I have a lovely circle of friends and now everywhere I go she is there with him talking to my friends and being friendly with everyone.I feel as if she has hijacked my ex, my cirle of friends, the park and the beach where I walk my dog and is now going to marry the man I adore in the church I dreamt of marrying him in. She is even having his babies which was something I always wanted but have had to let go. They are going to marry in 6 months. I have tried contacting him and he won't even speak to me. He has wiped me out of his life and replaced me with her. I feel ill with stress and don't know how in the hell I am going to cope with all this. I am established in my home and don't want to have to move away and start again somewhere else but I feel I am being tormented by them both. Any ideas on what to do I am heartbroken.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011): You poor thing - how awful for you! I can see how this would feel like your heart has been ripped out and trampled on in front of your eyes.
I am sure that your ex and his new partner are not deliberately trying to hurt you. They are being hugely insensitive, and your ex should have far more respect for your feelings and the time you spent together: he should realize that to thrust his new life on you like this is impossible. But people in the first flush of love can often be completely self-absorbed.
I think there is a short term thing here, and a long term. In the short term, the question is simply: how do you survive the heartache? Honestly, my best suggestion is that you put as much distance as possible between yourself and these people in the short term. If you can go away travelling, or get a secondment for your job in another city for a few months, that might help you. If you can't, try to change your routine so you are not constantly bumping into your ex and his new partner. Instead of walking the dog in the same park, see this as an opportunity to show the pup new places where you might meet new people. Explain to friends that you are finding the situation extraordinarily painful, and you'd rather not socialize with the new couple for a while, until you are in a better place. They will understand. Change your gym - to somewhere nicer, that will give you more pampering than the old one!
But crucially, don't see this as her pushing you out of your life. Don't get yourself into a victim mentality where you're being forced out - see yourself as someone who is responding positively to a difficult situation, for self-preservation but also in a way that allows you to move forward. The problem with seeing yourself as a victim is that everything you do becomes a reaction to somebody else - you let someone else dictate everything you do, and you respond. Essentially, that shuts you down, denies your own power and agency to make positive change. There is an alternative: you can refuse to allow this pain to close you off from the world - and instead use it as an opportunity to open up to new experiences and new people, to build a you that is independent and strong and ready to handle anything.
I know that the past looms large for you right now, but try not to think about the 'might have beens'. Things didn't work out between you and your ex- for whatever reason. Clearly, you both had problems in this relationship, which isn't a reflection on you or any kind of failure on your part, but simply a sign that you weren't right for each other. By imagining the past in terms of an romantic 'might have been' (the perfect marriage, the babies), you're simply torturing yourself with an illusion, a 'could never have been'. I know it's soooo hard, but try to let go of the past, and definitely make your best possible effort to stop yourself imagining a future that could and will never happen. It will only make you bitter and angry, which are not healing emotions, whereas acceptance and positive change will see you healed and happy.
A
female
reader, Romanilove  +, writes (18 May 2011):
WOW, that is a hell of a situation u got there honey! Hang on, and do not cave in. You can make minor adjustments, go to the gyms on days she isn't there, or switch to a different local gym. You need to heal, if you can go on a vacation to take your mind off of this, get a new perspective. Once you get over the shock and your ex, things will smoothen out. Preferably, be out of town on the wedding date.
Do not contact him ever again. No answer is your answer.
Im sure your close friends are on ur side! Stay strong!
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