A
male
age
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*26imeh
writes:My wife and I have been in a troubled marriage for the last 5 years because I caught her cheating sexually and emotionally. I have been trying to let go of her affairs, but she seems to not be bothered about what she's done to our marriage. Now her hours at work changed to the midnight shift. Our teenaged children and I hardly ever get to see her for more then a few minutes a day because she sleeps just about all the time she's home. I have issues with her working those hours because I haven't an ounce of faith in her that she wouldn't cheat again if the right opportunity came along. I complained to her about her sleeping habits and how I feel her job is destroying whats left of our family. She defends her job, which she puts too much time into and neglects me and the kids. I didn't want to complain about this much more to her because she will only defend her position and create anger between us. Is it right that I tell her I want her to either change her hours to suit our family or find a new job. Her affairs were with her coworkers so I am finding myself stressing daily about what she already has done, what she could be doing and her not being home enough for our family. I am so tired of living like this. I feel its becoming not worth my efforts to deal with her. I find her abusive, selfish and somewhat decietful. How should I handle this. Thanks
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male
reader, 426imeh +, writes (7 February 2008):
426imeh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for some good answers to my problems. I wouldn't feel bad about telling her how I feel, but she gets very angry at me when I bring up her past affairs. I could have gotten over them if she was an honest person, and showed some real commitment to get it together, but she really hasn't done enough to help put her cheating to rest. I also have this fear that once you cheat, its easy to have discrete sexual affairs and not be bothered by it. Her hours leave her plenty of free time to have sexual affairs if she wanted to, and being she's done it a few times I can prove, she's probably learned how to get away with it now. Asking her to quit is not possible. She has many years with the company and would lose lots of retirment funds if she did quit. I guess you can tell that I have not gotten over her infidelities, and I did see a counseler. She refused counseling, saying it was a waste of time and money. Your right about being too passive, I am because she uses her anger as a means to make me back off. I don't think I can back off anymore. I am going to make her face me head on, no matter how angry she gets. I know she will walk away when I persist, and if she does this time I'll know that I did all I could to salvage what was left of my marriage. Its getting too frustrating to live with her when I have no idea whats really going on with her. Her lieing and cheating would have been enough for most people to run for the hills, but I know that people make bad decicions and mistakes, so I wanted to give her a chance. I think I have given her more of a chance then most would. Thank you all.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): Changes are she already has an affair with a co worker.
That could very well be the reason why she defends her job and her working hours so much.
But maybe I'm a bit prejudice because I've been trough this myself.
I see a lot of parallels here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2008): I have to agree with Irish, it seems that your wife is not really tuned in to your marriage or family. She certainly is not showing much commitment or care to addressing her past choices, which you are still recovering from. This shows a pretty selfish perspective and with your comments a slight unwillingness to make things work.I think you have every right to be concerned and what to address this with her. She needs to understand that this is a partnership and you and the children deserve some consideration. You didn't mention how you resolved the affairs, did you get any counselling or have any revalations? In a way I am not sure if you are able to just consider your only problem now is her hours of work. Your not communicating at all and this needs to start. Whether she likes it or not. It is important that you are not dismissed by her and that she starts to tune in.I would certainly say to her that your not happy about her hours and habits. That you feel that she does not care and this is worrying for you because you need to know that she does.. Normally I would not recommend a row, but your being a little passive and not really getting the message across. She needs to understand that if things continue, things may change permanetly and it may be she looses you.I do not recommend you "stay for the kids". I recommend you get some sort of couselling and or communication flowing before you make any major decisions. I think what I am seeing is you are confused about whether the women cares about it or not, that's what need discovering.You in a difficult situation with your wife at the moment. Naturally suspicious and troubled. I hope you also have time to focus on the children at the moment as it is highly feesible that that know something is up and not working well between you and your wife. Look after them even if she is neglecting things. This is your life too, talk to her about what is bothering you. Too bad if she gets shitty, she needs to get refocused on her family or she may loose them. It is an important conversation and one you have every right to require from her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): think you have bigger problems on your hands here, other than her not being home for the family. This marriage is damaged and I think you know this, deep in your heart. When a man tells us in his posting, his wife had cheated on him, she's deceitful, abusive and selfish...it's obvious he's given up himself. The trust and respect is gone. And those are key building blocks in marriage. These elements are ongoing and kept nutured, all the time. Your wife has lost the value system that enables her to judge her own bad behaviours vs good behaviours. Or she simply doesn't give a hoot. She also has no respect or understanding for the deep meaningfulness of marriage, nor does she have the strength to resist temptations So should you ask her to work at this marriage? Give more time to the family? Of course, you should. She the other half of this 'team'. But I think you know what her response will be. If you want to save this marriage...talk to her from your heart and then you both, get into marriage counseling. She needs help to be clued in, to the the precious value of marriage and family. And she will need to rebuild the trust back. It will be a long term process. Or...if you feel you can't go on---then end your pain and misery and visit a solicitor.
In conclusion, I have to say...we are not always happy in our marriages but it is a challenge, good times and bad...but it's those challenges that makes the connections of marriage run deeper into our souls, than just simply love. Commitment, trust and efforts for many married folks, is fully understood and much, much more important. It's the kids, the family, and through all the worst of times.. it's a long enduring comfort and happiness that comes through marriage and family. Having an affair is just short term pleasure. Pleasure is self-involved. Happiness is other-involved. Your wife does not know the difference. But if you can't reason with her...then save 'yourself and the kids', the emotional workout of living this way on a daily basis. Do what's best for them and you. Good luck and take care,
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): Wait until your kids are 18, then divorce her. She obviously doesn't care anymore about your marriage or family. And no, you should not feel bad about telling her any of these things.
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