A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hello, I've been dating my gf for about 4 months now, and we've had couple fights here and there, but we are having a pretty big one at the moment. She recently started being friends with this guy, which wouldn't normally bother me, but the guy happens to be someone i really don't like, because he bullied my best friend for over 3 years. shes known him for less then a month and she thinks hes really nice, and doesn't see why I think she should dislike him 2. I know its kinda a tiny thing, i don't care who shes friends with but i think it kinda has deeper meaning. like, shouldn't she hate someone, just because i do? shouldn't you hate someone that the person you love hates? she says that he hasn't done anything to her, so why would she hate him, hes only been nice to her. who is right here? am i just being a jerk?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 April 2010):
 You are welcome!Thanks for your compliments.
Some times,there are situations which are beyond our controls. No doubt, she should follow your advise because you know more about that guy's history than her.
It can be exasperating when she does not take your advise and she has to learn it the hard way.
Idealistically, she should be one mind with you.I would agree with you on that.In this case, she did not trust your judgment .
You may have different perspective but it would be better to respect her opinions and not argue with her.
Women take arguments personally and they seem unable to compartmentalized it as only that particular issue.All their compartments are inter linked in their brain.
Once you argue with her, all the other areas of her personal life would be affected.
Argument wins the situation but loses the person. So never argue with your loved ones
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2010): thanks for the good advice laura, sorry for being rude before. I think it was kind of controlling in a different way then i was thinking before, so ive kinda learned from that, although i do think i kinda had a point before. unfortunatly the guy she was friends with did end up screwing around with her best friend, but im pretty sure thats just because this may have been a unique case in some ways, and its kinda hard to describe the whole situation in a bit of text. she does hate him now, but you already told me i should have let her decide for herself, so you may have been right about that. from what i described in my tiny paragraph, your responses are thoughtful and accurate so thankyou
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (16 April 2010):
If you don't know what is controlling or manipulating other people by subtle thoughts and arm twistings ,I am very sorry for you .Your relationship will always be very rocky.
You can learn it by trials and errors and from making your own mistakes.
Be aware that boys and girls do not view the same issues in the same light.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (16 April 2010):
 You know what, we've given you our opinions.. we are not here to argue with you.. it's your life, it's your relationship, you can think or do whatever you want to do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): Thank you for quoting me out of context... the actual quote is: "i don't care who shes friends with but i think it kinda has deeper meaning. like, shouldn't she hate someone, just because i do? shouldn't you hate someone that the person you love hates?" I don't see how this is controlling at all, if she wants to be friends with him fine, I'm just wondering that if she actually does love me, shouldn't she dislike someone who has hurt me in the past, and trust me when i say from experience that the person isn't nice... sorry for being a bit an a** but I'm still a little riled up from this argument...
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
"shouldn't she hate someone, just because i do?"
No, that is childlike thinking, and very controlling.. Do you hate everyone she tells you too? If you jump over a bridge dose she have to follow?
Your being a jerk.. you are dating the girl, you don't own her and you have no right to tell her what to think. She's her own person, with her own thoughts, wishes and desires... dating someone dosen't mean she has to change her brain and turn into you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2010): did you even read my question? how is that being controlling? if you love someone, shouldn't you trust them enough to believe them when they say someone is a bad person? like i said, i don't care who she has friends with, but I certainly know I wouldn't be friends with someone she thinks is a bad person, or has hurt her in the past.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (15 April 2010):
She has a mind of her own and she can make her own decisions. You can explain to her why you don't like that guy but that is as far as you can go.
You should allow her to decide for herself because if you want her to follow your decision ,it would mean that you are controlling her thoughts and actions.She would resist your attempts at manipulations.
She is independent minded and best not to argue with her .Respect her decision if you want to be on her good side.
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