A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I want some other peoples on opinion on this as I don't know whether its me being unreasonable or whether I am justified in being upset.I have been going out with a girl a while and we are engaged and we are very much in love. In the past she was a stripper which she told me very early in our relationship so that I wouldn't be upset if I ever found out another was. Since we met she was working as a hairdresser but her boss was an idiot and kept not paying her so she quit. So she decided to go back to stripping for a while as there are no other decent hairdressing jobs at the mo and she wants to save up to study. I wasn't and am not happy about her doing this but its her decision so I didn't want to stop her. She assures me she loves me and says she will leave her knickers and her commitment ring on.Its saturday today and she started at the job at a strip club on thursday night. She finished at 3am and slept most of the day, all I got was a text message and a phone call, she knew I was upset about her doing this and didn't even bother calling me. And again last night, friday, she was working and all I got this morning was a text mesage, she didn't bother calling me until I complained about her not calling me! In my eyes I am being supportive of what she's doing despite it upsetting me, which she knows, and she should want to call me and check I am ok?To make matters worse, she is not working tonight and intead of seeing me, she told me she is going out clubbing with her girly mates. I don't mind her doing this, but I feel the timing is slightly inappropriate considering the above? She says she loves spending time with me but needs her space to see her friends, I understand this but all week I saw her for a few hours on wednesday and thats it! Surely someone who loves me and wants to marry me should understand and spend some time with me?She has just said I am being jealous? Opinions please? Am I being unreasonable? I know this sounds pathetic but its doing my head in!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 January 2010):
 Exactly Lazyguy,
Let's knock the "stripping" thing on the head, it's a distraction. The basic problem is this, "why doesn't she call you, why doesn't she want to see you and spend time with you? Why dose she prefer to go out with her friends. Is she committed to this relationship. Don't you mean anything to her anymore?"
You don't sound close enough as a couple to be talking about marriage yet. Free spirits in a marriage may not be able to settle down and commit... Serious talk, and serious soul searching is necessary now. Is she really the right woman for you and what will she be like as a wife?
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (24 January 2010):
 She needs her space. She wants to do her own thing.
What are you to her except a walking dildo? Is this all there is in a marriage? Two people doing their own thing and have sex on occasion, when they happen to see each other?
What is it that you want a relationship to be like. A wedding ring ain't magic, it won't suddenly turn everything around and if you have a different view of what a marriage is like then her, then I predict a lot of heartache up ahead.
People need their own space, this is true, but isn't marriage a way of saying "I want you in my space".
And once you are married, it becomes very normal to have to adjust your life to the other. A husband can't suddenly decide to move job to another continent, he has responsibilities to his wive. A wive can't just decide that she is going to get pregnant, she has responsibilities to
her husband. This might seem old-fashioned, but it is how adult life works.
Is she truly ready to commit/settle down? Or is this a sign of her trying to break free?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): Hi allThanks for the replies so far.I think I should just clarify a few issues.She chose to go back to stripping, she could do other things yes, but she doesn't have a problem with it. She is a free spirit and finds nudity a natural thing. When she said about it I did try and stop her, what i meant in my original post is i didn't want to force her not to do it. So when she made up her mind I supported her in it. Which she knows hurts me.She is quite happy stripping so doesn't need me calling her to see if she is ok, but of course when she texted me I asked if all was ok? I didn't expect her to wake up early to call me. All I expected was a phone call when she woke up before she started the next shift.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (24 January 2010):
 I agree with xlaurenx
Also SWITCH SHIFTS. Work around her schedule.
One more thing...
Most women involved in that line of work, of which MANY i know (i do security for dancers), have been abused in the past as children and/or adults. Mainly, it has been both. She probably has been abused to the point where she does not trust anyone. When she does meet someone that she is capable of loving, a man that would respect her and cherish her, as she would respect and cherish him. Part of love is, in a non-jealous way, not letting her be in a situation where she has to go back to stripping.
Basically her logic and test is, "If he loves me he will stop me from doing this."
Good Luck
-IHateWomanBeaters
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (24 January 2010):
i think she is being unreasonable kinda, but i think that you should support her, because she does want to go to school etc. Isn't there some laws in switzerland where the boss HAS to pay the workers? A relationship is not about the quantity of time spents so much as it is the quality of the time spent, as long as time spent is going on.However, be nice to her and what not, but be the man she wants you to be as well. You know what it is not me. I have been with plenty of dancers that did stuff to me and put themselves in situations that they wanted me to not allow them in. It might be a test. She knows you are really nice, but are you willing to be too nice to the point where it could potentially damage her? What if it is a test? You are engaged, right? What if she is thinking, "Why is he allowing this to happen? Does he not love me? Why does he not support me while i look for a job? They will go so far as to reject you to the point where you feel you might be losing her. She may want the manly man to come out to see if he really exists. By your writing, I can tell you are JUST like me.Very respectful, honest and expecting a woman to not be testing you, but she is. She DOES want to marry you. She LOVES you. But she may let go if you aren't the kind of guy that can say, no, I support you in what you do, but I will not let you be in a position where you will have to strip to get into school. If this is the case, every day you don't say that to her, it will be another heartbreak.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 January 2010):
The girl wants to go to college, she's already tried to change her line of work and do some hairdressing. It's hard to leave a well paying job like stripping and start again in a career that is not only badly paid, but is hell on the feet. It's alright for some people to tell her to work in a shop or be a cleaner, but they are not the one paying her bills. Jobs like that mean you have to save forever to get what you want, and stripping is something she is used to, it pays lots, even if the hours are unsociable.
Now to you. She finishes work at 3am, I think it would be difficult for her to phone you then, unless you are on night shifts too. It's also unreasonable to ask her to stay up to wait and call you at a reasonable time. Going back to stripping, must have put her in a different world, and she may be having second thoughts about your relationship and wondering if it can work. She probably went out with her girlfriends to get support for her decision to keep herself financially independent.
However, like you say, it's a bit unsensetitive of her, you need reassurance too that this relationship can work. It was sensible of you not to stop her, no one wants to have a jailer for a partner. However, you disapprove, and she knows this, and this may be pushing her away.
Time for that heart to heart talk I think. Marriage is not sensible at the moment. To her, stripping is a financially rewarding job, to you, it's something else, it's a lot more. I have a feeling that she will continue to strip, any time she feels the need for money to achieve her goals and plans. If you can't feel comfortable with this, then you can't marry her. Please cook her some dinner, and invite her round, and have a evening together when you can talk about this.
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A
female
reader, Princess D.  +, writes (24 January 2010):
 Hunny you are right, if she wants to marry you she should atleast want to call you and see you especially after a long night at work. I understand that she wants to study but i am sure she get get a bartender job, a waitressing job even a cashier job something else other than a stripper. She is not being fair to you not the committment.You need to put your foot on the ground ask her if she loves you and if she does she will either find another job or keep the stripping job and make time for you.But does she really loves you, well don't seem like it.Her actions isn't showing.She might be in love with the ring.She was stripping before you, what makes you think she will stop. If she loved you she would have stopped and be motivated to find something else other than a strpping job. Remember you cannot turn a hoe into a housewife. I am not callin her a hoe but it's the same concept.Keep ME POSTED PLEASE. It's just not fair to you.You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, dr.2.be +, writes (24 January 2010):
 When two people are in a relationship one shouldn't keep their partner from doing something they want to do, except if it seems to be damaging your relationship, then they need to work out a compromise. This seems to be doing just that.Yes, times are hard right now but I think she is just using the inability to find another hairdressing job as an excuse to go back to stripping. Something she probably enjoys very much. She probably likes the male attention, the 'variety' of men to check out and her moral reasoning is that its her job and she isn't cheating on you; just doing her job of giving other men lap dances and god knows what else. She says she will keep her knickers and ring on, but do you believe her? I have my doubts of whether she keeps her ring on, hopefully she keeps her knickers on, but you can never be so sure. There are other jobs she can get. Even if its at a department store or fast food place, it would be just until she can find another hairdressing job. The thing is, she may not find another decent paying hair dressing job for a long time, thus more weeks and/or months spent at the strip club. Why won't she take a lower paying hairdressing job? She can gain more experience and even advance in position. Its because she wants to strip and tease men. Its sounds to me like she may not be taking your engagement seriously. You guys are about to exchange vows and hopefully spend the rest of your lives together. She may not be ready for that. She may never be ready for that. Some women like to tease men, show off their bodies and have a hard time staying faithful. Marrige is hard for them and some of the things they do may cause problems later down the line. I think you need to sit her down and talk with her. Tell her you are bothered by her taking the job as a stripper and encourage her to look for something else because you are afraid that it will damage your relationship. Tell her you love her very much and want to spend time with her. You understand that she has a life outside of the relationship but at the same time you want to feel loved and appreciated, just like you make her feel loved and appreciated. If she really loves you and wants to marry you, she will modify her schedule, don't stress too much over the fact that she may not give up the stripping job, but if she makes changes and sees you more and makes you feel appreciated, thats a sign that she wants you. I would be careful though and if she doesnt make the change in a few months or so or if she changes then goes back to ignoring and spending minimal time with you, you may want to rethink your engagement. Getting married may only make it worse and you may end up getting hurt more.Good Luck!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): I can see where you are coming from, and to some extent, I actually agree.The issue isn't that she is stripping, though this is hardly the profession a woman who is engaged to be married should be investing in.The issue here is it matters to YOU whetehr you want to admit it or not.You are being jealous, but it is not without merit. After barely a week without seeing her fiance, rightfully her first thoughts on soemthing to do SHOULD be with you. Not her friends.That being said, her friends probably see her less than you do. And the hours she is required to work because of the nature of her work, is going to put a strain on your relationship, which would happen even if she was working the same hours in a far less unbecoming job.You two need to sit down and talk this out. Without anger. Without malice. Just sit down, tell her you are afraid the whole not seeing each other for more than a few hours each week is going to become a regular occurance. And its not the type of marriage you want.Tell her that having time with her friends is perfectly fine, but when all you get is a few hours together, that spare time needs to be better allocated to the relationship.You need to come to a compromise, because that is how all good relationships are built, by finding a solution that either benefits, or annoys both parties.Flynn 24
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): I think rather than focus just on how much it hurts you, think how much it must hurt her having to return to that sort of work when she has already done it and moved on from it. As for her calling you to check you are ok-shouldn't you be checking she is ok?, imagine if you were in a mood for her not calling to actually find out some weirdo who watched her dance had attacked her after her shift? Maybe call her instead-she's obviously tired and sleeping but show her that you are concerned and call to make sure she got home ok and make sure she was ok while working.She has probably gone out with her mates because she knows you aren't happy about what she's doing and rather than face an argument about her not calling to check you are ok she'd prefer to have a laugh and forget about how she earns her money.Its good of you to accept it though and it must be hard imagining what she has to do. It would be perfectly natural to be jealous too-other men are enjoying you girlfriend, I think any one would be jealous.This is just a guess, but you say you didn't try to stop her as it was her choice but maybe she wanted you to stop her. She might feel a bit upset that you accepted it and didn't try and help her find another way. But like I said thats a guess and you probably did try and find alternative work for her!I hope you get some helpful advice here, best wished for the future.
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