A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Separated,no children,12 yr friendship,10 yr relationship,4 yr in marriage.We were best friends, we studied together for sometime.My W confides in friends, Mother and diary but never me.I was insecure,jealous,overprotective,obsessive and controlling as I had v few friends.Later I started swearing.she broke off with me.I apologized changed and got back together.Months later I moved to study in London,she moved to Paris.I work and Study.She is in full time edu.We met each other once /twice a year but love each other v.much.Over the yrs her step Dad borrowed money from me to finance my W’s studies. He knew us as friends then.4 yrs ago we married.My W then let her Mom access a significant amount of my money without asking me.I felt cheated and used. Since I have blamed her 4 many things,told her 2 remind her Dad of the debt,stopped buying gifts and complimenting her.I threatened 2 divorce her many times.I wanted an apology,a dialog,not money or a divorce.She still had no control over CC and calls 2.I didn't object 2 anything but wanted her 2 tell me b4 hand so that we had a tomorrow. She went bk 2 Riga to resume studies.Few months later I was facing a possible redundancy and she was v stressed with studies.My phone did not work,so she thought I was ignoring her.I have been insensitive and unloving amongst other things.6 months ago she flew to her Uncles and pretended 2b at her hostel.Her uncle was elsewhere. I phoned up there and a man picked up.When talking to her friends I told them she was with another man. They said Was a male Cousin of hers instead. She demanded a divorce.Since she didnt call me or barely answers the phone.When my Bro passed away last month she called 2 chk only on what had happened.sympathy email followed days later.Now she wants a "loan" 2 genuinely pay 4 her tuition fees.I am also tired of being used.I have done her many favors 2 no avail b4.Should I give the money? How do I get her back? Pls help.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2007): If you are getting divorced its going to cost you money. Why not spend some of it on flying in to meet your own wife and discuss it with her. Paying her tuition may be the cheaper option. Remember the you have the negoiating uphand because you have (maybe) the money and she needs it Probably soon if she has tuition expenses. You may be able to get her to sign a postnupital agreement, where you get her to limit her claims on you, in exchange for current cash. Borrowing would probably be worthwhile for you.
A
female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (28 February 2007):
 hiya
i think lack of communication has taken its tol in this relationship, and to save this you might need counsilling to go forwward, so much pain had been caused, she does things with her own head and you fight back with the most hurtful things. its like the friendship you built before didnt matter anymore, you nearly turned enemies.
i cant say dont give her the money becuase you have already paid a lot for her education thats for u to decide. if its hard for u to pay for her fees under the circumstances it is surely understandable but if its within your heart to help her, maybe help her to get a study loan from the banks or other institutions that offer studyloans with reasonable repayments terms.
what i can tell you is that you need to find it in your heart to forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be used, this will give you courage to faceup your insecurities and your obsessive behaviour. go for therapy as well it will help to put things into a different percpective and also boost yourself esteem.
learn to be more communicative, stop being vindictive when somebody has hurt you, learn to let your feelings out, so that those who hurt you will know how to make it up to you.
i think you have such a good heart most husbands dont take their wives to school for some reasons they only know. i cant say much about her because your post was all about how you were such a bad husband to her, which is good because instead of blaming her for all the things that went wrong in your marriage you acknowledged your faults and would like to move away from them.
i also think if you apologise to her and show her this post i am sure it will mean something to her. she might not take you back because of what you put her through but atleast you will have a peace of mind knowing that you tried. good luck
jovial
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