A
female
age
30-35,
*effii
writes:Dear Agony Aunts,I've been with my partner for almost 6 years now. We have honestly been through the thickest and thinnest of situations. Throughout our relationship, we started to drift personalities and so we had excessive, mentally exhausting arguments over our differences. Yes, we are one of those on and off couples, but the reason we are is that the 'off' times consisted of external obstacles, such as academic stress - especially during exam season; the good times were exhilarating, magical. However, the last 2 and a half years have been an extra struggle, as I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. We have had the worst arguments, the worst. They have left me utterly anxious, depressed, mentally drained - i was on edge and I didnt know what to do at that point. i was just paralysed with dissapointment. That is when I made her aware of my feelings. I told her that her lack of sacrifice and understanding, as well as inconsiderate behavious, is making me slowly fall out of love with her. She took this and worked on it, she didnt do amazing but i deffinately saw her effort in many cases - i cannot deny that. She's made a vast improvement.The thing is, there are certain things that she doesnt (want to) understand. This year, I am finishing my final year of university. I have never been so overloaded with work in my life. On top of that, I've permanantly fallen out with my family, so i have no support. as a result, hand in hand with my mental illness, i've become very irritable. however, there are certain things that she does from time to time - depsite her gruadual improvement - that are just PLAIN inconsiderate. There are times where she has completely cut off my needs, and makes the biggest issue about sacrificing something so small for me -- so i become extremely upset because what i ask for is TINY and i always drop everyone and everything for her, and she cant reciprocate when i need her MOST. its always when i need her MOST.This week, has been an example that i cannot get over. I have been so depressed and anxious, but i've been forcing myself to study hard for my 3 exams coming this week. my mental health has plummeted my grades so i NEED to do well. I simply asked her to spend 3 more nights with me ( she stays over at mines alot of nights of the week) i explained several times that her presence will allow me to fall asleep and wake up for a fresh day of studying; without her, my exam-induced anxiety wont let me sleep and ill wake up late and unable to keep up any revision in time for my exams, and good enough to pick up my grades. BUT NO. she cant. and on top of that, i have to argue with her for an entire morning, crying, draining myself mentally, to eventually convince her to do this one thing for me. Then she left to go out. Later at night, i messaged her to ask her what time shes thinking of coming home, and she says shes not coming, and that she'll spend other nightss with me. Thats when i had a breakdown, so utterly dissapointed. i didn't need other nights, i just needed the 3 nights before my exam. Its the sacrifice i wouldnt even think about or question, yet she ALWAYS leads me on and dissapoints me so much as the last second. then she turns off her phone and leaves me in a frantically (and mentally pshycotic) state, because she has yet again abandoned me when i need her the most. This is consistent, its EVERYTIME i need her the most, and i ALWAAYSS sacrifice everything for her. What sucks the most is that, apart from that, shes amazing to me. she recently bought me flowers, and has set up some getaway holidays for us - theres no doubt shes all i want but this disregard to my lowest point in life when im most unstable and need her the most is making me question to stay with her. Its not easy at all, because its not fair that this one bad quality of hers, compared to her many fantastic qualities, is the quality that affects me the most; shes the one who needs to be there when i am in this state. If i were to rely on someone else, she would have a massive fit. i know i can go therapy; i have already set that up - im on the waiting list. but its the principle of abandoming me at my lowest that is too much to bear. I love her so much for her good, and her effort to understand the problems we have when we argue; but i resent her for making me suffer alone at the times i need her most. so now, ive blocked her, and im having to take care of myself. i never said i couldnt do it but its taking everything from me that she couldnt do it - its the fact that its the smallest sacrifice thats causing the greatest grief. i dont want to break up with her, but iv'e made her aware so many times. i'm happy with her but the principle of abandoning me makes me question if she will always do this at my lowest points in life; what if i wanted to take my life because of it?when i finish my exams this week, i know she will want to come back and say sorry that she wasnt there for me, as usual. but she LEFT me AGAIN. Agony aunts, what am i going to do? i have no one but her, shes AMAZING, but this bad quality is so heavy. Thanks for hearing my rant x
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a break, depressed, flowers, my ex, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 May 2018):
 Take care of yourself. You're not ready for the added pressure of a relationship. She shouldn't stay an extra three nights to help you sleep - possibly one, but not three.
Focus on improving yourself and the irrational reactions should calm down.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2018): Hello dear ranter! Please see that you are rather demanding and expect more than is reasonable.I nearly had a nervous breakdown just reading it.Try to calm down as exam results are only one tiny part of life and frequently you can resit exams if you dont get the grades you want.Also stop doing anything for someone else.You must have boundaries about what you would or wouldnt do in a relationship or friendship or life in general.You need to get a balanced perspective so although it might seem reasonable to expect someone to drop everything so that you can sleep for 3 nights before exams, it might not be such a good idea in other peoples eyes.Also tone down the begging and crying.Try to learn how to make your feelings known simply by saying what you feel in a non dramatic way.However if that spoils the entire spice of the relationship then you need to find someone who is on an equal level of drama queen diva. I hope you return to your normal happy self soon.x
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