A
male
age
36-40,
*rendanG
writes:Okay this is kind of a complicated mess but I will try to spell it out the best I can. My girlfriend is 25 and I'm 23, and I've been seeing her on and off for about 9 months. We really hit it off and spend so much time together, I really have been kind of neglecting alot of my other friends. Herein comes my problem... she has been through alot and just got out of a pretty serious relationship (engaged in a 3 yr relationship) a few months before we met when she moved back to the area (home). I know she has been real with me from day one, and I know she really cares about me but it is hard for me to be sure of myself sometimes. She has told me more than once she isn't ready to be with someone and we just were (more than) friends, but she says that she isn't thinking of being with anyone but me. The problem is, we both used to live pretty crazy lives, partying and just getting into a lot of bad things - and I have no problem saying goodbye to my past, I want a future with her. So we are kind of? together right now. The problem I have is, she still feels the need to up and leave town, make new friends, see old friends... A lot of these friends, regardless of her intentions - the people she is meeting, or the people from her past are generally BAD news; that along with the circumstances of who these people are I have a pretty good idea what they're alterior motives are... I trust her because she always tells me the truth, even if its something I really don't want to hear. But she puts herself repeatedly in bad situations. Sometimes she needs her space or whatever, but half the time that involves being at home, the other half it involves being out partying or hanging out with bad people. We do spend most of our time together, and I do trust her, but they way she acts kills me inside. She just won't call me for days at a time and act like nothing ever happened. Or does all kinds of shady stuff (not like cheating or anything) and tells me about what it is. But when you find out shes out at 5 in the morning partying with some bad people, it kind of puts ideas in your head. And she acts like nothing is wrong... She treats me good, it's just the way she acts when we aren't together that throws me off. She has a very complicated psyche, so it makes it hard for me to know if its me, or something else, or just her contemplating. I haven't said anything to her about it, because I don't have a problem with her having her own life too... but at this point, its hurting me the way she acts. And I don't even think she realizes she does it, I think she is just that way. What do I do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): Instead of asking if there is something wrong with you, ask yourself if she is the right person for you, is there something in her character that you don't like. Your answer lies in your post.
Hangs out with bad people who get into trouble. (People's friends reflect who they are)
Disappears for days, doesn't call and acts like nothing of it. (Clear disrespect, dishonesty, selfishness and questionable reasons for the disappearing act, such as a drunk bender or doing some hard core drugs).
She loves to party until 5 am.....(yeah, that is a sign of an immnature person who is not ready to grow up and values getting high or drunk over relationships.....you aren't going to change this about her.)
But she treats me good when I am with her.....(Clear cut sign of a manipulator, user)
She doesn't treat you good my man....dump her loser ass.
A
female
reader, Ma Ma Sue  +, writes (3 December 2008):
Leave. You are clearly ready to grow up and be in a serious realionship.Unfortunatly she is not. You cant make her change the things about her that bothers you. She will out grow those things in her time and you cant put your life on hold waiting for her to get herself together.Just be her friend and live your life. You are putting yourself though a lot worry when you dont even have any guarantees from her about your further together.As much as you enjoy spending time with her there will be somebody out there who will give you the piece of mind you decerive and return the feelings also.
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