A
male
age
41-50,
*orontoGuy
writes:Where do i stand with her?Im in a long distance relationship with a girl I really care about. We used to talk all the time about how we are feeling and how we miss each other and love each other. I have been visiting her as often as her busy schedule allows us to meet. She works full time and is also in grad school. I know her life is very busy, but lately she seems to have pulled away emotionally. Her grades have suffered since we started getting serious. She recently called me needy and that she is a very independant person who doesnt need anybody. This came out of nowhere and was the opposite of how open, expressive and loving she was months ago. It hurt me very much. Now I feel trapped in not being able to express my feelings and resolve these issues. She gets frustrated and closes off when I try to talk about serious issues in our relationship. She thinks im pushing all the time but i dont think i am. I am trying to give her space. I want to support her and give her what she needs, but I also need to feel connected to her when we cant see each other for weeks at a time. She told me she wants a relationship, but then makes me feel like I want too much. We've had "what if" conversations about the future and if we would be willing to move to the same city to eventually be together. We both said we would when the time is right. Things were going so well and now it feels like she is pushing me away. I just want to know where I stand. Given her recent closed-off behavior am I to assume this relationship is not important to her anymore? I dont want to force it, but I just dont know how she feels or what she wants. Am i being to sensitive to want to be with her? Isnt that a relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2007): It seems to me that she may be feeling very vulnerable and is tyring to protect herself from hurt by putting up a wall, this could be for a number of reasons.
Being in grad school is her first priority and she is probably under a lot of pressure and having to meet deadlines. Juggling a long distance relationship is probably very hard and guilt producing for her and she is tyring to get you to back off and stop asking her for the reassurance that you need from her....sounds to me like she just doesn't have it to give to you or as much as what you need.
I don't think that either of you are "wrong", but you are both on different pages in your expectations for this relationship. One thing I think you could do instead of bringing up serious issues about your relationship is instead behave more assumptively....Like of course you love me, of course I will wait for you to finish your grad school and we will be together when you are done achieving this important goal for yourself...of course I understand that you cannot see me until next month, but I expect you to call me every night before you go to bed unless you are up studying and it gets past midnight, call me the next day or whatever....Show some emotional independence and I think it will help her to relax about whether or not she is taking care of you.....she does not need to feel that she has to take care of all of your emotional needs when she is not able to see you often and she has to focus on school... If this relationship is not fulfilling for you both, then maybe it is time to accept that the timing is just not right and you need to date other people...that is something you will have to decide.
A
female
reader, answers4u  +, writes (22 February 2007):
 My advice from me is that maybe u should talk to take her to dinner and talk to her because i think she might not be pushing u away she just needs space maybe her feelings for u have grown and she has a shield to protect her self show her your going to be there and ask her were u stand . I hope it works out for u
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