A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:This is a difficult one – at least for me. I ask you to please give my question due consideration before giving an answer. My girlfriend and I have been together nearly six years. I am 68 and she is 50. I am younger than my years. We have both suffered from depression. Over the last few years I have been keeping her buoyant. Our sex life has declined to the point of non- existence. I think she has now entered menopause. Over the last two or three years it has been only non-penetrative sex, which I truly don’t find that satisfying. It is OK as part of a range of expressions but as a sole diet I find myself craving normal sex.We keep getting to a point in our relationship where I am feeling used. She lives with me in my apartment. Her own cottage is next thing to a building site - hardly habitable. We talk everything through and the next thing the wheel has gone around and we are back in out old routine. She admits she is unable to commit. She tells me I am not the only one this has happened with. I keep on giving but it’s no good.Now she is in the depths of despair as her father is dying of pancreatic cancer. I don’t know whether to support her or tell her to pack her bags. She says she wants to find the real her again. But she is depressed and I am at a loss.The other night after coming home from visiting her parents she was in bits and ready to move out. I persuaded her to stay. Now she is sleeping in the spare room. Obviously when you love someone you can’t just throw them out. On the other hand I feel I either need a clean break or a commitment from her. Any words of advice for me please?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2016): Yes, W.O. There is much sense in what you say. I have tried to get her to the doctors, and even offered to go with her. I have suggested medication both natural and pharmaceutical. And you are right I have accepted and put up with a lot because I feel that when you love someone you accept the whole package.Certainly the love-making has been depleted. I have suggested the docs for that too as it could be vaginitis. That also never happened. I actually believe it might be psychological.I think the decision I have come to is that I will just be here, and if she wants to build a bridge back she can. When you love someone you commit to them and that is what I have done. It isn't just a contract. It is an emotional bond as I'm sure you are aware. Yes I have allowed great liberty in this relationship. By being steadfast, reliable and accepting I believed I could provide the right environment to completely win her to me.It just hasn't happened. Perhaps a bridge too far.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2016): You're correct that you're being used, but willingly. You've put up with these arrangements for a long time. The opportunity comes to give her the option to leave, and you ask her to stay. So what exactly is your issue? Just that she doesn't give you sex?
First-off, as many women get older and further into menopause; some experience vaginal-dryness, which can make penetrative-sex painful. So they avoid it. I gather she just isn't that into you.
If she suffers from depression, that will effect her sex-drive as well. Aging lowers the libido for most people, and some little or none at all. You being the lucky exception.
You've accepted her excuse that she can't commit, and you've had a long time to make a decision whether remaining in a relationship makes any sense. You're a mature person and know what you want and need. You also have enough experience in life to know when to quit.
Give her moral-support and a temporary place to stay while she deals with her grief; but also get her to a mental-health professional to get treated for the depression. She will apparently have to seek social services, if she is unable to work.
Relationships should not be based on financial-dependency, pity, or a fear of loneliness. They should be based on love and trust. When you know someone is using you and you allow them to stay, because you're trying to milk love out of them. Whose fault is that? You're hurting yourself because you have an emotional-dependency. It's infatuation when the feelings are not reciprocated. You've settled, so that's all you get. It's called co-dependency, my dear sir.
Help her to find the social services she needs for financial-assistance and healthcare. Get her family to take on some responsibility for her, and let her go!
Nothing gets done, until you decide to do it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2016): Yes - you are right. I care deeply for her. I would never force her out. I told her ages ago that I would never knowingly hurt her.
However there isn't much more of me left to give and I feel myself sometimes withdrawing emotionally from her. It's because I am not getting back what I am putting in.
I just wish for something more. She says she loves me but it is a qualified love.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (1 November 2016):
 Hi, you have been together for nearly six years, and you sound as though you really care about this lady. If she is about to lose her father, she is going to need you even more. Give her a little more time, at least to get over losing a loved one. Nature will take its course and eventually she will probably leave. At least you can always be proud of the fact you tried your best to help. I think telling her to leave now while she is vulnerable, will just come back to bite you. Good luck X
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