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male
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*etateanu
writes: Pls Help !! Hi , I have an issue with the relationship i'm having. My girlfriend is 29 now, i'm 23 and we're thinking of getting married in a few years. I love her dearly and believe it or not, we were both phyisically virgins before we met about 1 1/2 years ago. My problem is she has stuff in the past that she regrets deeply (that what she says) but wouldnt talk about it. She is its mainly regarding other relationships she's been thru.That really doesnt match the fact that she was a virgin so I keep having lotsa questions unanswered in my mind. I tried asking, but she closes off and gets upset, so i try to leave it at that. Pls help me in on some of your wisdom if same things happened to you. What could she be talking about..I dont wanna live in frustration coz of this... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (9 November 2006):
 Okay this is your second post (back to back) about this. I think you are way too obsessed with this whole thing. I don't think she needs the counseling nearly as much as you do. You need to truly find out what's behind your motivation to discover her past, a past that she doesn't want to share. Make an appointment today. Good Luck.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (8 November 2006):
 I think Dr Pete has given you very good advice.
I would only add that you should be very careful about asking for too much detail. For each thing she tells you you will probably have more questions, and yet more questions... sometimes it really is better to not know too much. You can end up being haunted by recurring images of what she tells you, which can easily destroy your relationship. Trust me on this, it has happened to me and whilst my relationship is still strong, it has put enormous pressure on it. In I way I wish I never knew the things I now know.
So take care, and only ask for a very high level description. Avoid the details, however much you want to know (and you will really really want to know).
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006):
Perhaps your fiancee was wrong to tell you she deeply regrets some of her past and then refuse to say any more. I would probably feel exactly as you do.
You should try and get to her to understand how you feel by asking her what would go on in her head if you had said that to her then closed up and refused to say any more. I'm sure she would feel like you do now. If she still remains closed up then I think you have a problem on your hands. You can't marry someone you have doubts about.
If she didn't want to mention it, she should not have indicated their were any problems. She clearly has some kind of unresolved issues going on and you are just going to end up going crazy if you carry on trying to guess what it could be. It could be ANY THING. Maybe it is something huge, maybe it is something tragic, or perhaps it is something not really that important [to you] at all.
Trust and honesty is paramount to the beginning of a marriage. I would imagine you now feel very unsure about this whole issue and it is up to your fiance to help clarify things. If she does not, maybe she wouldn't make such a great wife for you? You're supposed to be there for each other and help and support each other in a relationship, not distance yourself and get upset when there is a problem. It's a sign of things to come; perhaps?
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male
reader, cetateanu +, writes (8 November 2006):
cetateanu is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the answers . U have to understand one thing coz some of U think i'm trying to find a reason to let her go . NO WAY . I truly love her and just want her to be content with her past, because i can see it has been very painful and I dont think she can trully let go until she talks about it. She's quite closed off and she even said nobody knows some of the things that she's been thru. Thanks again for the posts .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006): To be honest it is none of your business. You are not entitled to know everything that has happened to this woman since birth. By pressing the issue you maybe pushing her way. She may not want to relive what happened just for the sake of satisfying your curiosity. If she decides to tell you what happened in her past, it should be on her terms not yours.
Best wishes
-J
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2006): I think she will tell you but in time. She may be frightened that these things will chase you away. Be patient and explain that is doesn't matter what she has been through it was all before you came along and it won't change anything. If you love each other so much and you are both thinking of getting married in the future then you have to be prepared to be very patient. I hope it all works out. Take care.
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female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (8 November 2006):
 I think she'e trying to get your attention just playing around with witty sentences I think you should say 'i heve then too'' and forget about it
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A
female
reader, smithapatel +, writes (8 November 2006):
well try askin her abt the skeletons if its abt her virginity and if u wanna know it just make it clear that u need to know that.dont try digging too much into the past and also tell her that u just need to know waht hpnd in her past and its not gonna affect ur prsent relationship.gals find it difficult to divulge their past if its a bitter one its more difficult.
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