A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:since I met my girlfriend things have moved really fast we have been together almost a year and lived together from the time we met. She recently lied to me. I had over heard a voice mail from a man she used to date I know this man and his wife now well. My girlfriend and him have kept a friendship going for years. The voice mail was him reminding her of a intimate evening together years ago. I didn't know who this was from and asked her she lied saying it was from someone I didn't know. Now I am having trust issues with her. She also has another old boyfriend she says she is still friends with because he helped her raise her son for 6 years. She says she wants to keep this relationship going for her son even though this man has done nothing to keep his relationship going with her son and seems like he doesn't want to. Recently she has been saying she needs space. She has been honest since the lie and told me everything. We are both social butterfly's. Last weekend we went to a wedding and it was like I wasn't even with her. I am afraid I might be losing her. What can I do? She is very independent.
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (20 June 2007):
 The only question you need answer is: Are you prepared to let her go?
I agree with Clarey's analysis - your gal is not independent. In fact, the speed with which your relationship progressed to living together should have set off alarm bells for you.
Although you may not realize it you have codependency issues as well. And you will not be able to sort through your own issues until you are not romantically involved with anyone. When or if that time comes you will be leaning on a support system - and the effectiveness of that support system will grow as you are better able to stand on your own two feet. This sounds like a contradiction but as you resolve your codependency issues the people you attract will be different. You will choose to be with people who are themselves truly independent.
I hope this helps. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (20 June 2007):
 Tell her that she is free to go and if she wants to; to move out. It is only stating the obvious, but it is a very powerful thing to say. It means that you have requirements from the relationship and that you also have some say in how you lead your life. Your conditions must be met and you have to decide what those are, but I would say that these extra, narcissistic relationships must end for good.
They are niaive attempts to make herself feel needed by more people. A truly intimate relationship where all joys, pains and personal issues can be expressed is one where there is trust. When these extra relationships start budding, intimacies grow which exclude you. Secrets form, just little ones at first but they get bigger. Dangerous attractions come from this type of intimacy.
She is not as independent as you think. I would say the opposite, she seems to need to be very important to other men and may even get quite a lot of satisfaction from believing they would rather be with her than with their current partners. This is a poisoned chalice because the more she does this type of thing the less she will be able to trust anyone to be faithful with her either.
You may have to let her go before she comes back and agrees to any kind of mature relationship. I keep banging on about this book called Love Must Be Tough - I think everyone in your situation should read it - immediately and without delay. There are times when relationships can be saved, then it gets too late. People seem to want to wait for things to blow over, or they ignore them, when that is the last thing to do. Good luck. Read the book, which I have no connection to other than watching how it saved a friend recently. She changed overnight and took back power from a husband in mid-life crisis. Incredible.
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