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male
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anonymous
writes: My fiance and I have a little boy aged 5 months. He's a lovely little lad and I love him to bits........Trouble is the fiance - she has turned into a nightmare. I find myself treading on eggshells round her she freaks about the tiniest little things and its driving me round the bend.She starts shouting about the least little things. I leave for work @06.45 and get back between 7 and 8 at night. She is on maternity leave. I fall asleep @ 9.30 and she wakes me up to feed shorty around 10. She wakes me up to put the dogs out in the middle of the night 4 or 5am. The trouble I get in for leaving a pair of socks on the floor is unbelievable.If we didn't have shorty I would have left long ago.... what do I do????
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2006): It seems really unlikely that she's actually changed as a person after the baby -- much more likely to be the hormones + exhaustion. Infants are physically exhausting for both parents, not least b/c even when you do sleep, it's not a good sleep b/c you keep getting interrupted. It's the same for her. If she's nursing, she's still got extra energy going out to that, and ppl are right -- good chance there's some PPD going on, too.
If there's any way you can afford it, try to find someone to come in and help. If you can't afford it but have family or friends nearby, see if they could take the baby for a night and just let you two get away, or even if your mom would just volunteer to come over for one night and be the one to do night duty. you need one night to just sleep, solidly, and wake up calmly together and enjoy each others' company.
All that said, it's no good for you to be on eggshells. The solution to your fiance's moods is not for you to cater to them. Say you leave your socks somewhere you shouldn't and she flips out at you. You don't have to just take it - she shouldn't be screaming over socks. You shouldn't have left your socks there, but, try this. Pick up the socks, and tell her she's right that you shouldn't have left them there. walk over to her and speak quietly and calmly and apologize for it. then explain that you're worried about her and ask if there's something else that's bothering her, in addition to the socks, b/c you've noticed that she's just seemed edgier than usual since the baby, and you know you're both so exhausted just trying to get through, but it seems like she's having a harder time emotionally, and you're concerned. and try saying all this with real concern and tenderness - reach out to her if you can - make her feel like you want to take care of her.
i know this is asking an awful lot of you. you are exhausted by this baby, too, and all you want is for your fiance to stop screaming and to go back to normal, and why should you have to be so nice about it when she isn't?? i really don't think she's trying to be mean. i think she is tired and hurting and i think that she needs you, and i think that, if you can somehow muster the strength to be there for her, even just a little bit, it will open the door to a conversation that might start to make things better for both of you (i.e., making a schedule for how you're going to handle night shifts so that maybe instead of you waking up for the 10:30 feeding, right after you go to sleep, you try to move the baby's schedule around so that he'll eat a little bit earlier, or something.)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2006): Just gone through the same. Almost certainly post-natal depression. Nothing you do will be right, because her mindset has gone "hyper-critical". It's not her fault - she is effectively in pschological, personal, and hormonal shock whilst probably having lost all of her familiar friendship groups etc. So she's down a horribly big hole without even realising it and with no visible way out. My advice - take the crap, be as kind as you can, see whether you can open up the discussion/encourage her to see a doc (or even better, get someone else to suggest it so you don't end up being seen as "traitorous") and STICK WITH IT. If all goes well, you could be out of the hole in a year or so with a lovely son, a fiance/wife who is incredibly grateful to you for your support and a huge smile on your face. That's where I am now. Phew! Best of luck - if it works out, it will be so worth it (95% likely). So worth it that we may go for number 2 soon...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2006): Its a possibility that she has postnatal depression. Don't laugh it of it is a serious condition. Please approach her and talk to her about it, tell her it's ok and it doesn't mean shes a bad mother. I had postnatal depression with my little girl who is now 2 and a half. My poor husband was on the receiving end of my constant bad moods, i would snap for no reason and scream at him, and other times i would burst into tears for no reason. He was so confused and i was to ashamed to admit that i had a serious problem. I loved my daughter more than anything but i found myself having thoughts of self harm and harming my baby. i went to the doctor finally and went on antidepressents. This saved me and my relationship. Please understand that she is tired, you think that she sits at home all day doing nothing but she doesn't, she works all day everyday, there is no knock off time. I no your tired but help her when you get home, tell her you love her and she's a good mother, show you appreciate everything she does. With your love and support your life should be back on track in no time. Goodluck!!!
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A
female
reader, des16  +, writes (24 November 2006):
 she is most probably worn out from dealing with a new baby all day. could be drpression.
i know that you work during the day and women can moan at the little things but she works throught the day and night.
you can leave your work at work, but her job continues 24/7.
i dont mean for this to sound as a gang up on men but if you could change the roll of mummy and daddy, where she goes to work and you stay home doing the housework, feeding changing feeding changing, bathing and more housework maybe you might feel differently.
you just get the baby to sleep and finish the last bit of housework, then she comes home, you cook you clean again, baby wakes up,
shes had a hard day at work and she wants to relax,
but you still have to work, you're going to feel exausted.
no dought when you come home from work you compliment her and you help her with everything, and settle the baby, get up in the night.
after all its all part of being a parent.
babys in the first few months are so much work, you need to be supporting each other.
please see past the nagging.
so many babies are growing up without a father around, they do survive without them being in the house,
dont stay for the child if you still feel you dont love the mother of your child any longer, then be near, so you can still be there for the child.
try to compliment her she probably doesnt fell fantastic, you know after the hole pregnancy thing, not feeling or looking her best.
maybe give her a break a day with out the baby to destress. or even get a babysitter and the pair of you go out together, be a couple again
good lucki hope you find your way through this hard time and can come through to a brighter day.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2006): if you truly love her then make it work get some one to look after the child for a couple of hours and talk share your feelings with her and try and understand how she feel just having a baby all day will stress her out spend time together as a family and help her when she needs you not all women will say they need help but offer show her that you still love her ask her how she is she may just feel lonely
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