A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I've been dating a girl for 7 or so months, and she is great. A little while into dating her, I started to find out that, to put it plainly, she was a huge slut in her past. Not only that, but a lot of the people she was promiscuous with (im talking drunk parties of multiple people "doing things" then bringing her home passed out) were people I KNOW from my school. (she is from a nearby town). These people are people I have always despised, because of how they act/treat people.She used to pride herself on her "promiscuous acts" because her best friend would make it a competition.I also found out a few months into it that there are over 20 guys that have "pictures" of her. (i found out because one guy texted her threatning to put them online, then me and her got into a discussion). Worst part is, 20 is probably down playing it. Threatning that guy worked but I dont want to get into legal trouble when the other 19+ come texting.Since then I have seen so many conversations (her old phones, facebook stuff) that show she was all about doing the dirty and doing it often. She would meet guys online and talk about "not being able to wait to see their sexy body in person" 5 sentences into the conversation.Every story she talks about in her past I assume was a night of some "promiscuous activity" (because I always find out THEY ARE) And when her best friend starts talking about inside jokes from their past, she quickly changes the subject so her friend doesnt "slip up." She has a few drink types that she will go "o I cant drink that anymore..bad memory" or "o never go to a party there" or "can we leave I dont like that kid."What i can tell you is she has a cheating disgusting dad who always told her to "do whatever she wants" and "If a guy (boyfriend) isn't getting it from you hes getting it from someone else" and "guys only want one thing from girls" etc. etc. She even came up to him at like 10 yrs old and asked if she could date a 40 yr old guy if she wanted. he told her "people should do whatever makes them happy" WTFIts safe to say the way she was raised caused her to be how she is.My question to you is as follows:• I love her, but is it worth having all this stuff (her past) hanging over my head for the rest of my life? She loves me more than life itself, and I always tell her I do the same (I do love her a lot, but honestly, if we broke up, it would hurt me less)• She has changed COMPLETELY since I have met her, but how do i know it isn't just a change for me?• I was always respectful and treated sex the way it should be treated, so I don't feel as "special" to be with her as she does with me. Looking at her past "hook ups" makes me feel like her standards are so fucking low anyone could get her. And I know everyone talks about her past behind my back. How can I move on from all this stuff?• Will she become a cheater? I dont trust her alone with guys but she hasn't done anything to justify me not trusting her. (she has no idea i dont trust her, i still let her do whatever she wants because shes given me no reason to not trust her)• When the past is brought up, how do I cope with it? (Right now I just say I'm going on a walk..and I go and listen to angry music)Advice? Thank you a lot.
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male
reader, luckyman +, writes (15 July 2011):
Very interesting topic and one that I have had some experience with that may be able to help a few people.
First off as you have undoubtedly noticed by the sheer amount of discussions on this topic, you are not alone!
Much like any forum on any topic there is no right answer that will fit everyone so you need to read through a lot of
posts to get to something that rings true to you.
I can somewhat dispell the notion that some have brought up that the reason you are bothered by your partner's history is due to your lack of it. I suffer no lack of history. While I am a few years older than my wife (she's 30 and i am 36) we have slept with roughly the same amount of people. I edge her out when you add up encounters that didn't include intercourse.
Both of us have had one night stands and group encounters. Including encounters that didn't involve intercourse she's at 18 whereas if I had to guess I would say I am around 25ish. Counting intercourse only she's at 15 and I would say I am between 15-17.
So don't for a minute think you are doomed because this has to do with your lack of experience. I am hear to tell you that even if you have more experience these issues can plague you from time to time. Over time and a few landmark relationships (including both my first marriage and my current marriage) I have come to realize that there are two reasons this happens to me.
1) I love the woman.
2) I am a guy.
I am not going to get into science and evolution about this. I am going to take another route... history! Look at the number of deaths due to murder, duels and even wars that have been waged, by men, over women through the years.
Men are jealous creatures. Women are too but they tend to be a bit more rational about it.
There is no fixing this as it isn't broken. It is by design. Of the three major relationships I have had this only has ever bothered me even in the slightest with the two I was/am in love with. I was in a 6 year relationship with a person that I cared about but didn't love and though I knew her past it never bothered me in the least. The history of the first woman I fell in love with however did bother me... for a bit. It bothered me until I knew everything. It still bothered me a bit time to time after learning everything just to factor it all in but things got much better rapidly after this date and before long it wasn't even a remote thought.
Like some of you things would come out piece by piece and led to a few awkward introductions to ex-lovers. Eventually we sat down and hashed it all out. In the end I had imagined it to be far worse than it was - though it was still far worse than some people on here have been worrying about.
The thing for me was that once it was all out my over-active pessemistic and extremely vivid imagination could no longer take over and paint a far worse picture. Plus there is the whole aspect of avoiding any further awkward introductions.
So anyway here I am in love again the first time in a long time and was starting to be haunted by some of these same thoughts again. Knowing how to deal with it this time I cut it at the pass and just asked what I wanted to know. I explained why I wanted to know but without giving too much detail as to my reasoning as I didn't want to taint the results I got either.
At first there were a few white lies (or perhaps just honest forgetfulness) but over a couple months it was all pieced together. Honestly most of it came out right away. The thing to keep in mind is that your wife/partner is a saint for telling you this. She doesn't have to. She could just make up some white lie and honestly, who could blame her seeing all the posts on here. Undoubtedly she has some previous experience fielding this question and knows how it often turns out with guys being wired like they are. If she trusts you enough to give you the answers to all your questions then you owe it to her to not let it come back and bite her in the ass... or would you rather she just lie to you and say you are her second but she took no joy in her first and only time before you. ;) Much like you suffered through all your experiences before her... right?
In the end it all came out though and I was very specific with my questions which if you can handle hearing it I recommend. Just be honest with yourself. Practice hearing it or something first maybe. ;) For me my imagination is typically more vivid than reality so hearing details generally tamed things down from the version I already had in my head.
I will say that the only problem I had wasn't the numbers, but the relatively short span of time in which most of them occurred. In talking about this she expressed that she had a similar concern with her lifestyle and made some changes... and then fell in with a bad croud for a bit and undid the changes... but then made them again. Sometimes it takes a few times for life changes to stick so I can totally understand having gone through a few myself.
I guess the only thing that would bother me that I have read in a few posts here was if my wife had performed some act with someone else but refused to with me. Thankfully that hasn't been the case. For those dealing with that I guess the advice I would offer is not to give up on your request but to back off. Occasionally bring it up playfully but not as a request. Unless there is some trauma associated with the act for her this will in time work.
In the meantime there are a ton of ways to have fun together physically that are legal in all 50 states! Just use your imagination!
I have also read here numerous times guys saying that they felt sex was more special than their wives did just because they tried to save themselves or weren't as promiscuous.
This is not true! There are different types of sex and having one doesn't exclude you from having the other. Just because you have "feel good" sex or a one night stand doesn't mean that all sex is placed at that level. Far from it. Women are every bit as emotional of creatures as men are and are mentally and emotionally turned on far more than men are. What you are feeling because you are in love with her, she is also feeling because she is in love with you. If anything she feels it to a greater degree. If she didn't why would she even answer all the silly questions about her past that you ask her? ;) I can personally say that I have had sex that was just that, sex. Nothing attached to it and that is exactly how I wanted it at the time. What I have with my wife is nothing like that.
So I hope I have provided a light at the end of the tunnel for some of you as this is a dreary thread!! Have hope! You can be cured... just keep in mind it is YOU that needs to be cured.
Hey, the woman you love is a product of all of her life's experiences - good, bad or otherwise. This includes all the little things that you don't like too.
If you were to go back in time and erase even the smallest bit of her past it could change everything and on the off chance you two still even met she might be a bitchy, prude, unkempt man-hating troll rather than the beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman of your dreams. ;)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCouldn't agree more.
as for "put it behind you" I will try. that's the tricky part ;)
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTrue. going both routes (leaving or dealing) will take time healing,
and both leave me with a "haunt" the rest of my life. I guess I'll take
the route that only hurts one person...try to take it like a man..and see where it goes.
Thanks q
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I guess I'll just suck it up and let her prove me wrong. Easier said than done but you all are still with the person you had these negative feelings with. Granted my position is a little worse but I have it in me to try a little longer. We'll see, I'll update in the future to help other people that have the same circumstance.
Thank you again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010): "She seems to have always known what she was doing was wrong and that's why she was into alcohol, to make it seem right in her head."
I don't think that is unusual. I know that my wife told me the same thing. She didn't feel right about going with a guy who she just met, even thought she wanted to. She would have a couple of drinks to make it easier. She didn't do it because she was drunk and only once actually got drunk. She would just have an extra drink to sort of loosen her up and avoid the doing something wrong feeling. Of course, that feeling would arrive a couple of days later. It was a confusing time for her. I'm sure that it was for your girlfriend too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"troubled" I can relate to your past situation a lot, it feels very similar. What you say is exactly what I am going through..
She too said the "I love you's" to guys that said it to her, but she said she never meant it. She actually didn't believe love was real when I met her, until a few weeks later she was bursting at the seams to say it to me. She said guys always said it to her first so she didn't know how to continue the relationship with them without saying it back. With me she fell in love so fast.
I'm glad to hear your "haunt's" and depression about it dwindled. For me its too late to "reverse" the relationship and kick her out, but God knows I'm not anywhere near marriage.
She seems to have always known what she was doing was wrong and that's why she was into alcohol, to make it seem right in her head.
One thing i am trying to make me feel better is thinking this:
Say I break up with her. And 1 or 2 after me do, because of her past. If not immediately after me, she will come to terms with the fact that her past = not so good to bring up. She will become an expert at hiding it, and someone like me will come along and fall in love with the person she is, not knowing the extent of her past.
Now 1 or 2 things. I could already be the guy. She did mention she doesn't talk about the past when I first met her. That sent a red flag in my mind which made me ask around and find these things. That's why I am certain that there is more I don't know about.
Or 2, the next girl I find, could be that girl. The girl who sheds a great light on her past because if she didn't no one would marry her.
Man I wish life was fair :)
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (28 January 2010):
 Trouble.. I'm hoping for a happy ever after here.... please do your best..
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010): "BUT I just HOPE its not because she knows what to say to make me feel better"
I can relate to that. My wife seldom said those things to make me feel good. That other woman said all the things to make me feel confident and good about our relationship. I still sometimes wonder if everything was genuine or if she was just good at knowing what to say. My wife and I discussed this about a year ago and she said that she was never comfortable saying things, except things like, "I love you." and then only after a couple of years. She said that it always seemed fake to her and that she preferred to show her feelings by how she behaved and acted. The way that my wife looked at me and acted said everything and that is more genuine than words, if not necessarily as effective at the moment.
"She always comes in 15 minutes into it, asks me whats wrong, I say I don't want to bring it up, and she lies there with me till I get up. I cant stand how great she is with the worst past."
We went through that a couple of years ago. When I was especially sad, she would ask me what was wrong, knowing what it was. I normally wouldn't say anything, but sometimes I would. I wouldn't call her any names or degrade her at all, but sometimes I would tell her what I was thinking and we would talk, either standing in the middle of a room or in bed holding each other. Sometimes she would cry and I would start and then we would talk and try to resolve the problem. It sounds like your girlfriend really cares about you, more than my wife did early in our relationship. Perhaps your girlfriend has just faced the part of herself that she doesn't like better than my wife did 30 years ago.
My advice to you is not to get any farther into this relationship until you are to the point of being able to not think of this most of the time. She didn't move in with me until we had been dating for 4 years. Part of it was that I dated others at times for the first 2 years, but even after I no longer wanted to do that, we waited another 2 years to live together and over 2 more years to get married. Make sure that you are able to live with her past before you even think of marriage. By the time that we decided to live together, I rarely thought of her past. I was happy with what I had.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo "q1605": Funny, thats something she said ;) She said "In a way even though I don't like my past it brought me to you." This after crying about her past and how it bothered me. I mean the girl tries, I gotta give it to her.
To "Miamine" she has grown in morals and I see her future "woman" as a great one. Your right she wouldn't blame me if I left her because of her past, and that scares her..she still sometimes will fear I'll leave her due to her past..which makes me think there's still more to find out about it..and bad enough that I would leave.
to "The Dude" Yeah I hear you. A weight would be lifted off my shoulders, but a new weight would be added on (the fact that I left someone and it wasn't due to her current personality). The normal girl I go for, is NOT NOT NOT anything like her! Down to the hair color! She caught me by surprise a few months after a 2 year relationship. She was fun, was the first person to make me totally forget about my previous relationship, and we instantly clicked. I was the first guy she said I love you to, the first guy for other things I wont get into (that have to do with the letter "o")..BUT I just HOPE its not because she knows what to say to make me feel better.
To "troubledtoomuch," yes i agree that everyone has baggage. Her's was just something I had never experienced and it weighs down A LOT more on me than any other gf i've had. Every detail of it, down the the fact I am going to have to get very rich if I don't want the world and my family to see her online someday.
I can COMPLETELY relate to you on the depression thing. I never get depressed normally, but I have a day or a few in a row (like this week) where I just go off and lie down and don't get up because of it. She always comes in 15 minutes into it, asks me whats wrong, I say I don't want to bring it up, and she lies there with me till I get up. I cant stand how great she is with the worst past. The whole time I lay there I try to make myself feel better, it just doesn't work until I take my mind off of it completely somehow. As for the "too promiscuous for your liking" believe me, if you asked me before her what I looked for in a girl, i looked for a SAINT.
As for if she is worth all the baggage and trying so hard: my probem is, I am a baggage carrier. My dad left my family and so I naturally take on everyone elses problems. You might say thats how I landed her, however I didn't know about her past prior, and all my other gf's had a semi-clean or mint past. The problem here is, the things i have handled in my past had a solution, this one, the more research I do..seems to not. People say it haunts you for your whole life..Its nice to hear that other people share my problem and have stuck it out. I found people online who didn't know their wife was an escort prior to their relationship. Man do I feel bad for them! It could always be worse, but when it's your own, somehow it feels worse than anything you can imagine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010): Damn. Somehow I posted in the middle of my discussion. OK, to continue:
I was not very adventurous with previous partners and my wife says that she wasn't either. We have done a lot of things together that we never did before with anyone else and we still try new things to keep sex more interesting. We still love to cuddle, do lots of foreplay (some kinky that I won't mention here) and many other things. It's a little realistic to think that a woman didn't like sex with anyone but us. After all, sex was great with 2 of the women who I dated besides my wife, so it is realistic to think that some other guy was better than me in some way.
You have to decide whether to give up on someone who you are happy with except for this one problem or to learn to live with it for a long time, perhaps forever. It bothered me a lot for the first 2 years and then it would only bother me occasionally. The problem is that my wife would not talk about it. Then a little over 2 years ago I had depression and it all came back and really bothered me. After all these years she no longer felt cheap and was willing to discuss it as much as necessary. It took us nearly a year and my feelings got better when I solved my depression problem. Occasionally the depression comes back for a couple of days and then the feelings come back, but just a little. All in all though, it has been worth it to have a great wife and partner in life. She isn't perfect, but neither am I, but she is darn good in most every way.
Your initial question made her sound like simply a slut who couldn't be trusted. Your followups make her sound a lot better. Yes, she was a slut in the past, but if she really has changed then she could well be worth the work of trying to get over her past. It won't be easy and it will take time, perhaps a lot of time. You have to decide if you are willing to work at it and take the time. As q said, "I am starting to like this chick." I am too, although she was too promiscuous for my liking. However, I'm not the one who is in love with her and that could change my opinion if I were the one who was.
People who have not gone through a problem and feelings like this cannot really understand what you are feeling. That is why I don't answer questions about things that I have not experienced. Textbook answers are seldom ones that really help. It doesn't matter how we are supposed to feel if that is not the way that we do feel. It is easy to say that you should just forget her past and accept it. However, doing that is not so simple. It takes living through something to really understand what the person is going through. You can't control your subconscious thoughts completely. You can only try to tell yourself that they are not realistic. The things that we were taught as youth will be with us always, even if they were not realistic teachings. It will always take work to think realistically and overcome those which do not make sense in our lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010): Here are the ways that you can look at this:
You can leave her and try to find someone else who's morals better match your own. However, the next woman who you fall in love with will likely have some kind of past to deal with. We all have things in our pasts that partners don't especially like about us. That other woman who I was dating while I was dating my wife had been married and divorced twice and told me a number of stories about some of the men she had been with. I'm sure that she never told me about all of them and she and my wife were the 2 woman who I think I would have been happy with. No matter which one I chose I would have had a past to deal with.
You indicate that she is good in bed and sexy. Perhaps she got good because of her sexual experience or perhaps she is good because she simply likes sex. My wife likes sex. We are in our 60s and still have sex several times a week. Some women never stop liking sex and that is a very big plus. There are a lot of stories of men who are unhappy because their wives never want sex, even younger couples. I once read a discussion where one guy said that he has some friends who made sure that they married women who were hard to get and had no or few partners before them. They wouldn't have sex with guys who they dated. He said that most of those guys complain that their wives seldom want sex and aren't adventurous at all. I was not very adverterous with previous partners
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (28 January 2010):
Sounds like you really love her, and I think your right, you'll be lonely and miss her and probably regret leaving her for the rest of your life. It's difficult to forget the past, when it stares you in the face everyday. But she's not that silly girl any more, she's a grown woman, your woman, a woman who is in love, will be faithful to you forever, who worships you and thanks her lucky stars that she found you. If you leave because of her past, well, I know she'll understand and won't blame you at all. She can't change the past, but she can do her hardest to make your future beautiful.
Stuff the haters, who want to pull you apart, there's a lot of jealousy going on. You managed to fix her, you managed to touch her heart. They may have used her body, she may have used theirs, but that's nothing compared to the love you share. People hate others who are happy in love and want to destroy them, so you can be as unhappy as they are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto "q1605", I know..i should have known about this stuff more before I turned into jello!
To "troubled"..I do wish I could put life on "pause" and see if this is what it should be, but I don't even think I would enjoy looking elsewhere. I'm not a fan of starting anew with relationships, it gets old. But even if I am curious if there is someone more on my level of morals..I think my current gf would drift elsewhere as well if I did..because in a committed loving relationship..you should feel safe and secure, not "an option on the back burner." And I know if I was put on the back burner I'd take my pan elsewhere!
I'm happy to hear it worked for you (kinda jealous), but I do find the same conclusion as you did: Everyone online and on this website seems to be haunted by the "past" of their girlfriends for the whole length of the relationship, even if married. They only seem to find ways to try to cope with the pain, or find diversions to ignore it.
My haunts: I think of what her night "dreams" currently are about (when I first met her she said she had "those" dreams a lot); I cant go to her hometown; I think every innocent guy that knows her from her past has been there done that; Randomly when she gets all up on me I think about HOW she learned to be so damn sexy, and it turns me OFF haha to think..OFF! Because I am thinking about where it comes from. Not all the time tho fortunately.
I thank you all for the continued support and help.
You taking your time to help others is very nice of you, and I only hope I can return the favor someday. I'll post if you have any responses to this one, as well as update in the future with what comes of all of this.
Thank you again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): That cheating offer is similar to what my wife offered me soon after we started dating. For background, we were both previously married to our only sexual partners. She split with her husband about 3 years before I split with my wife. I was now her 12th sexual partner and she was my 2nd. She wanted me to date other women after we started dating. She wanted that for several reasons. The ones she admits to are:
- She wanted me to make sure that our relationship was not just a rebound relationship for me.
- She wanted me to get to know other women so that I would be sure that I really wanted her if that was what I finally decided.
- She wanted me to have the same chances that she had.
The one that I suspect and that she denies is that it made her feel better about her past promiscuity if I did some of the same things. She didn't want me to stop dating others, which I did after 3 women and that 1 night stand. She wanted me to continue, but I was happier with her. I dated a couple of nice women, but none of them quite did for me what she did. One was pretty close and that was a very happy time in my life when I was dating both of them. I think that your girlfriend might have similar thoughts.
Now if you were not already living together, I would tell you to seriously discuss this offer with her and decide if it is something that would work for the both of you. My wife believes it was one of the best decisions that she ever made and I think that our relationship would have failed or not been good if I had not done that. I would have always wondered who I could have found who better matched my morals or better fit my idea of a partner. We waited 4 years before we decided to live together. I dated others on and off for 2 years.
By the way, based on my experience and what others have said in these discussions, you will likely never completely get over these feelings. Your ideas of a person are buried in your subconscious and your conscious thoughts will probably always battle with the subconscious thoughts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry one more thing..
Does sex mean nothing to her?
Here is my clue: She said if I cheated she couldn't break up with me because she loves me too much.
If she cheated on me, I would leave her in .0000002 seconds, not because I don't love her, but I know the relationship would never be the same, so ripping the bandaid off I would do (and thats a large painful bandaid.)
Does that mean that she thinks of it as a "sport" still and not something intimate?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for all responses.
To "troubled too much" thank you for the responses, I will check out those links.
To dude:
She actually doesnt talk to those people anymore. She still talks to her best friend and misses her at times (they go to separate collages). But she stresses the fact she doesnt think what her best friend is doing is appropriate, and she now gives her friend advice on what not to do.
At first it took a toll on their relationship, her best friend didn't like the change but that is typical and she got over it. They now have conversations that have nothing to do with drunk parties etc. They talk about life and happy things and what they did that week (not at night.)
As for my gf, she not only went through and deleted most peoples number from her phone, she also changed her number because she realized how much the "randoms" from her past saying "hey" still bothered me even if she didn't respond.
At this point if I "went away for a weekend" she would no doubt be sad and text me 24/7. Her friends now are mostly my childhood friends.
I may expect to much from people but this is my issue: Some day (wayyy in future) the marriage question will come up.. Is this girl someone who I could throw in the most tempting situation (I get drafted into the army, shes at a party with her best friend who convinces her to have a drink and her favorite actor walks up drunk too.)
My morals if the roles were switched would be to be faithful, its just if someones so good at covering her past..would she be good at covering other things too? She wants to marry me in the future, but I also feel like I cant until I know "the number" etc, to be prepared about how much shit and "internet stuff' i could face in the future. But then I'm also scared to know "the number" and details on all the evens. I may have played them up in my head, but what if they are worse than I think?
I am in very deep right now and dont know if I could physically break up with her, but I also know I wouldn't marry her until I got this feeling away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): To the female anon who wrote the first answer to this question:
I just read your entire answer carefully and I think it was excellent. You and your boyfriend are similar to what my wife and I went through our first 2 years together. She just had to tell me, but didn't know how to do it. She did it by hints over a few weeks that made her sound really slutty, worse than she actually was. It was not a very good way to bring it up, but I guess there is no really good way. I also reacted badly to her finally telling me everything. I didn't call her any names, but it was obvious that I thought she was cheap for doing the things that she did. She then told me to never mention it again or to leave her. That was about as cruel to me as she could get - tell me about her exploits and then tell me that she would not discuss it with me and just make me agonize over it alone. Of course, she didn't mean to be cruel. I finally realized many years later that she was ashamed of her behavior and it hurt her a lot to remember it and to especially talk about it. She already felt cheap and didn't need my reinforcement of that.
It might be a good idea for you and your boyfriend to read those links that I posted below.
"I won't tell you it's stupid to feel bad over the past, because a lot of men suffer from this, and it's valid. It may seem too irrational for some people, but I know it's valid, even if not justified completely."
Of course, I completely agree with that and really respect you for feeling that way. It would be a big mistake if your boyfriend left a woman who is so understanding. I hope the 2 of you can get through this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): Female anon, that's just a pile of shit. You have no idea what you are talking about. Perhaps teen boys admire others who brag about their mostly fantasy exploits, but most adult males don't admire male sluts and most females don't either.
As far as being saints, no, very few people are. I had a single one night stand many years ago and didn't feel very good about it and never did it again. I even avoided women at bars who were obviously looking to get laid that night, even a couple who tried to pick me up.. I know a lot of women who can't say that, including my wife, and she was far less promiscuous than the OP's girlfriend. I dated very few women, and then only those who I already knew and respected. So don't feed us your embittered shit.
We all make mistakes in our lives. Some people change and some never do. A woman has every right to sleep with as many as she wants to and so does any man. However, future partners have an equal right to not approve of that past behavior and dump that person if they so wish. To deny either one their right, while condoning the right of the other, is hypocrisy.
To the OP - My wife slept around a bit and had some one night stands. She did it because she was angry, confused, lonely and just needed somebody. She changed and has never thought of cheating. At least she has never given any indication that she has ever thought of it. The thing that I would be bothered about the most about your girlfriend is her getting drunk and doing things while not in control. If you are sure that she doesn't want to do those things then perhaps she will not. You are looking for help in how to deal with your feelings. Here is an old question with lots of good discussion on this subject:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-would-not-have-married-her-had-i.html
and here is an article that had some good discussion:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/male-vs-female-a-debate-on-the-male.html
Take a look at these and read what those of us have gone through this suggest and what has worked for us. I also hid my feelings from my girlfriend after we first discussed her past. She was the one to bring it up, or I would never have likely found out. She was not happy with it and just had to tell me shortly after we started dating. As with you, she told me that I was different. That I took her on real dates instead of just out drinking and screwing afterward. That I was the first one who really cared if she enjoyed sex and made sure that she had at least one orgasm. Women who have allowed themselves to get used for sex appreciate it when someone cares about more than just their enjoyment of sex. Sure I wanted sex, but not just for my enjoyment. I think that most guys who pick women up at bars just think of them as sluts and a quick screw, but I really don't know for sure, as I don't know any guys who do that. Perhaps I just don't get around enough, but the guys who I used to hang around with didn't do that and that was when we were single.
Anyway, take a look at those 2 links and post back or PM me if you want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): Most men ARE NOT male sluts.
This is a convenient myth that is repeated because it helps justify any amount of promiscuity on the part of women. It's bullshit. Even the idea that men always applaud other men's slutty behavior is greatly exaggerated.
The truth is that most men and women are not especially promiscuous. And they don't owe the world an apology for preferring partners whose moral values match their own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): Funny enough, if she had been a he, none of ths trash talk about her would be happening... sexual double standards, where women can't have promiscuous fun, yet men can.So you're all saying. this woman will never be a good mother, wife, whatever? Even if she matures and changes? Then why do we have to accept male sluts? Are all of you saints? I highly doubt it.Sure, she made those decisions, which were f**ked up, but give her a break. That doesn't make her a bad person! It doesn't mean that she doesn't deserve to be loved. If she's a good person, then give her a chance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks "troubledtoomuch" and others for the new responses.
I realize I didn't stress enough how much she has changed. She HATES who she was, is REALLY embarrassed by it, and sees its not how she should live AT ALL. She gets extremely sad when it is brought up.
Thats why its so hard. The person she is now is AMAZING and people would KILL FOR (if they didn;t know her past)
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): I completely agree with The Dude in this case. I normally try to help the guy who writes a question or to me to get over the problem of thinking about a woman's past. However, her behavior is just over the edge. Would you ever be able to trust her if she goes out drinking with female friends? I know that I wouldn't. If she had so little control in the past, what says that she will have any in the future. What are the chances that she would get drunk and end up in bed with someone? In that condition, what are the chances that she would insist on him using protection? Too risky. To think that she will never cheat on you is putting on blinders.
The fact that she was proud of her promiscuity is very bothersome. People can change, but this would have to be a very big turn around for her to be marriage material in the future. My wife slept with guys who she just met after ending a bad marriage, but she was a saint compared to this woman. In addition, she regretted it and had guilt feelings about what she had done. She never was proud of what she was doing. If she had been close to what you describe then I would not have been able to stay with her. As it was, her being so easy was difficult enough to get over. This will likely bother you forever.
With so many men having nude photos of her, it is probably only a matter of time before someone posts them on the web. I would not want to be dating someone if there were photos of her on the web, unless she had been a professional model. I'm assuming that many of these are nude photos. If not, then I wouldn't be so worried.
It sounds like she has a lot more to hide than you know about. How will you handle things worse than you already know if you find out about them in a few more months?
Note that if you leave her and find someone else that she will likely have done sexual things that you don't approve of. As long as they are not too promiscuous you will have to be able to accept some things and learn to live with them. However, I think that accepting all that she has done is asking too much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh I forgot to say..she doesnt drink anymore. Shes not interested in the way she was and is really embarassed by her past. Im telling you shes such a different person..I just was asking if there is any way to deal with it because her way of dealing is just trying to forget it..but for me its harder.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to both of you for the response.
To the first, I understand where your boyfriend is coming from but wow! I wish that her past was that "clean."
To the second guy, I am not sure she would cheat. Not to toot my own horn, but I am 100X better then all those guys. Her life at home was f'ed up her whole growing up, and since the third week we dated shes seemed very changed. During those three weeks no matter what I had a problem with, (for instance she only knew how to be friends with guys by flirting) she changed and realized it was not the way the world was.
She had no roll model in her life for how to live and what is acceptable, except for her best friend (who was the biggest whore i know).
My problem is my life would COMPLETELY change 100% if we were to end it. We have an appt together, life plans, etc. and on the outside we look madly in love and "like the perfect couple." People kill to be "us" and although she knows that I sometimes get sad about her past..she doesnt now how much because I hide it from her.
I do love her a lot and know I would realize I loved her even more if she was gone...but honestly the good life I tried to live got shit on when I found out the perfect person for me happens to be an ex-slut.
Can a person "not no better" in the past because of their f'ed up Dad (im telling you..hes pretty f'ed up)? or is that just their excuse?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): I'm on the receiving end of this. My boyfriend is really hung up on my past, mind you my past is much more tame than your girlfriend's, yet my boyfriend seems to react even worse than you. I guess the problem is that I with held that info from him for months. Anyway, he says what bothers him the most is that - just like you - he knows some guys, and one guy especially, to whom I gave oral sex when I was younger (and single of course). It's been very painful, and despite us having had these issues for 3 years already, we haven't been able to completely get over it.
My boyfriend has called me names. We have broken up several times. But in the end, we just can't seem to be apart. We love each other. And aside from the "past" issue, we just click in every other way possible. He always tells me that if it weren't for this thing, we'd have a perfect relationship.
Sadly, his mistrust has made me not trust him. Why? I don't know. He hasn't done anything to make me not trust him, but I guess mistrust is contagious. Mind you, I haven't either, however he thinks that because in the past I kissed guys that I barely knew that I'm prone to cheating. NO. I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON HIM AND NEITHER WOULD YOUR GIRLFRIEND. I understand why it's difficult for you to trust her, but trust me, as a former "slut" myself, just because she was promiscuous in her past doesn't mean she'll cheat. When she started dating you, she knew she was getting herself into a committed relationship and thus, she happily accepted to be with just one guy that she loves: YOU. Nobody forced her to give up her old lifestyle to be with you, she made the decision herself. At least that's how I see it.
It is hard. Sometimes I wish there was something I could do, because even though I hurt and ger angry when my boyfriend judges me about my past, it hurts me even more to see him suffering over it. Suffering over something that happened when I wasn't even with him. Suffering for something that I can't change. I wish he would just get over it, or that I could help him in some way, but it's never enough. I don't know if counselling would help him (or you, in this case) but he doesn't seem to think he has a problem, so until he makes the decision to go to counselling, then I can't force him.
I do wish you the best. I feel these things aren't worth losing people over. However, if you feel you can't get over it, let her go, as hard as it is, and find someone whose past is more compatible with your views. I won't tell you it's stupid to feel bad over the past, because a lot of men suffer from this, and it's valid. It may seem too irrational for some people, but I know it's valid, even if not justified completely. Just keep in mind she loves you a lot and WOULD NEVER cheat
Good luck!
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