A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I been going around from past one and a half year, every thing was going very fine but every few days she would get a call from her ex-boyfriend. I would get annoyed and would ask her to avoid him. Many times we ended up in a fight, after a major fight she told me that she won’t talk to him, but still when ever he calls her up she would talk to him, which she claimed to be once a while (Every 15 days), I didn’t know about it. Once while sending a Job application from her Id for her, I happen to see his email, sending her some Job referrals. I spoke to her about it and she was like they were in contact every once in a while, he helped her in publishing her write-ups in a leading news paper (Which I didn’t know about, I always thought that It was by her self that she got it published) and now is helping her in finding the job. I was annoyed accused her of cheating and fought with her, she again promised me that she would not talk to him. This time she was not keeping well, her ex-boyfriend sends her flowers and after a few days he calls her up. She didn’t tell me about it. Again she sends in her resume to find a job for her, and while she was talking to him, I called her up. She didn’t take me call and den later told me that It was a consultant. This time I found it fishy, so I checked her mailbox, and to my surprise I found her mails to her ex-boyfriend sending her resume and her ex-boyfriend suggesting her changes in the resume. I called her up and asked if she is hiding any thing from me she was like “I am not hiding any thing from you” and I told her that I have checked her mail box and found out about it. She blamed me for the incident, she was like “I don’t tell you coz you (me) fight”, and she wants her peace of mind. I don’t know how to behave. If I ask her to stop talking to her ex-boyfriend, she is making it an ego issue and she calls me orthodox and is now telling me that she will be in contact with him no matter I be there in her life or not because she thinks she is not doing any thing wrong and I should trust her. This has increased the distance between both of us and now I feel suspicious about her talking to any of her guy friend and unconsciously I tried stopping her talking to any of her guy friends and now she feels all caged and trapped. Please advice what should I do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): You need to talk TO her, and not AT her. You're barking orders, and not having a rational conversation. Take the emotion out of it - don't scream - TALK... expaine how you feel and how you interpret her actions, then enguage her in convesation. If she cares for you, she'll see that her actions, while they may not have intended to cause you pain do.
If she's cold and tells you "too bad, get over it", or something similar, she may need to leave... and you may need to help her by moving all her stuff out on to the street. Hopefully she's not going to be mean about this...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): Well even my husband has stopped me meeting up with my friends(not boy friends), after I came to the UK from India. I have no family no friends and only have 2 of my classmates here living, though far from us. I have noone with common interests to talk about. If I want to know how the jobs/employment business in the area of my study is going on I have no one to talk to about.I feel as if I've lost all my previous part of my life. May be your g/friend and her ex- have common interests from same education background etc. Why don't you offer to try to help her out with her resume etc. May be their(your g/friend and her ex's) paths cross more often then. think coolly
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2009): Um it sounds like her ex basically IS a consultant. You stalk through her emails (very very bad thing to do) and all you can find is stuff about her resume from him. They didn't work out for a reason. She says she's not doing anything wrong which means she no longer has any feelings for him. You've been with her for a year and a half now, you need to trust her!! My ex stopped me from talking to my guy friends, then I felt caged and trapped too. That is the only reason he is now my ex and not my boyfriend...well, that and the accompanying fact that he didn't trust me at all after 2 years together. She started out being open and honest with you, and only started not telling you she'd spoken to him because you got unreasonable and would fight about it. You're pushing her away right now and it sounds like she's just about had enough, since she's saying things like she'll be in contact with him whether you're in her life or not. You need to turn things around if you don't want to lose her - tell her you let it go too far, you trust her deep down (if you do) and you're willing to work on this (if you are). Ask her to tell you again when she's in touch with him to help you get used to the idea. If you don't do this, you'll get more and more suspicious all the time because you'll know she's not telling you things to avoid annoying you and it'll drive you nuts and drive her away.
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