A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi, i need help.about one or two months into my relationship with my girlfriend, she hinted at an event in her past that sounded like she was sexually assaulted. seeing as i care a lot about her, i have always been very cautious when it came to partaking in or even discussing certain sexual acts. especially anal, as she seemed to hint that that was the event that took place. well, we have been together for about a year now, and just recently she has admitted to me that her last boyfriend had talked her into having anal sex (among other things she won't do with me) and she agreed to. first she said it happened just twice, and then later she admitted "less than six times..."well, at first i was furious. not necessarily because she had anal sex, but because she led me to believe for almost a year that she was assaulted. she made me so nervous about accidentally saying or doing something insensitive with her, and now she says that she agreed to do it multiple times with this guy even though she didn't like it. after i calmed down, i asked her if she did it because she really liked him, but she said "not really" and she says she doesn't really remember exactly when or how many times she did it, although she claims that it was more than six months before she met me.well this is where i am gonna sound insensitive, but the other reasons that i am frustrated are a: i have never had anal sex, and have always wanted to try. and b: because i feel like, in some weird way, her ex was close to her in a way (or place) that i will never be able to be. like there is some part of her that still belongs to their relationship.it hasn't been that long since our talk, but i just can't stop being bothered by the fact that her ex did something with her that i haven't done, or worse yet, that i want to do. now before i get cussed out, just know that i really care about her and don't want to make the situation worse. i had told her in the past that i sometimes thought about anal sex, but never wanted to try it because i thought that she would be offended by it. now i feel like a jerk because i can't stop thinking about all the "uncomfortable" things that she did with him, but won't do with me. so tell me, am i wrong for thinking this and what can i do to fix the situation?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2009): I am in the same situation with my current girlfriend,she told me she had anal with her ex and refuses to do it with me. I am starting to resent her because she opened herself up to him (pun intended) but refuses to grant me the same treatment. I am even more annoyed because she was the one who suggested we try it but now has changed her mind and wont even let me do her form behind anymore. If she could do it with her ex and not with you then you need to question how she feels about you and if she might have feelings for her ex still.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): Ok... I can't believe you women are saying this? Seriously.. think about it!!! How special can he honestly feel knowing she does things with past lovers she refuses to do with him!!! First off, yes Anal sex can often be a bad first experience for women because neither party knows what they are doing!! When done properly, it can be wonderful and intimate for both parties even brining the women to orgasm. For people to say this is HIS problem that she had anal sex many times but won't with him is absolute insanity! What a horrible feeling for a man to have. The woman you think you love won't let you share the same experience she did with someone else, and this is his problem? I just can't stress enough how crazy that sounds!!! Women have a far more nonchalant attitude about their sexual past. They are the gate keepers, and they choose who is worthy so to speak. It's very easy for them to blow off a man being upset about their past because they have no clue the hurt and mental distress it causes. My advice to you is to confront her and ask for complete honesty with this situation. Your a better man than I, I would have been long gone along time ago... plenty of fish in the sea!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2008): Dear Sirs and Madams. I am male 28, in exactly the same position of being with a girl-friend however there's things she's done with her last boyfriend, that she will not do with me. Things which I crave. You feel you can't fully express your feelings towards her. You feel that someone has known her in a way that you never will, and consequently, she is not entirely yours and it hurts your feelings everyday. This resentment towards her can evolve into anger, maybe even hatred if left long enough. You may contemplate taking certain actions in order to heal your feelings which might be out of character for you. Don't blame yourself for this. If you love someone, you do whatever you can to make them happy. You give yourself to the other person, you are theirs and they are yours. True love is unconditional. There should be no boundaries of any kind in a truly loving relationship. If one partner feels they have to erect a boundary, you are not right for each other. You should accept it and move on without dwelling on it or causing yourself upset. In time you might be able to convince yourself that you've forgotten about the boundary, or that it doesn't bother you but this will only be temporary. A boundary in a relationship is like planting a seed of certain doom.Each time the issue is raised again, it will be with more resent. If you accept it and end the relationship soon after the boundary is identified, you might still be able to salvage a friendship or acquaintance-ship out of it. If you want to.You see I found true love and I let her go. Now I think I will forever be in search of something I cannot find again. Perhaps I am wrong for wanting to share every part of my heart and mind with my current girl-friend. Now it's over between us. She put up the boundaries, I made my feelings clear. I lived in frustration for years, trying to convince myself it was ok. I would have made any compromise to stay with her and be fulfilled at the same time but I was denied.A man's desires can be intense beyond a woman's ability to understand them. If she can be happy in relationship which is causing you frustration and unrest, she does not love you much, or at all. Just accept that you're not right for each other and move on. It's the most humane thing to do for both of you. Don't become a hater like me. It might stick with you forever. That's all I got.
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A
female
reader, shandygirl +, writes (13 February 2008):
 If she doesn't want to have anal sex anymore, apparently she never liked it in the first place. So, don't pressure her into doing it with you, or she may become resentful.
To me, that part of the anatomy is for only one purpose, ya know? I think that any other use would be medically harmful over prolonged abuse of that area. So, you should also consider that.
Comparing her past relationships with yours, is useless. Every one has pasts, and the past is behind us. The future begins NOW I think you should put those things out of you mind, and concentrate on building what YOU have with her.
Every relationship is different and should be treated as a new beginning.
Just Love her... and be happy. :)
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A
female
reader, Zoggi  +, writes (13 February 2008):
You say that you are angry at her for letting you believe that she had been assaulted, when she hadn't? The thing about anal sex, is that you can be "talked into it," even several times, but really regret it afterwards. The inate "dirtiness" of the whole thing means that you can often feel violated, even if legally speaking you consented to it. Please try and have some sympathy for her, and look at it from her point of view. Just because she has done it before, doesn't mean she will want to do it again, and just because she doesn't want to do it with you, doesn't mean she somehow loves you less. The dirtiness of the sex she is willing to have with you is not a measure of how much she loves you!! If she is refusing to do anal with you, then maybe it's because she feels she has more self-respect with you than with her ex. Maybe she didn't feel able to say "no" to him. Is that what you want her to be like with you?I have done a few things with my ex that I regret, and if and when I meet someone else, I would want to have a clean slate and probably won't do those things again.
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A
female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (13 February 2008):
Well on the subject of anal the reason why she may not have enjoyed it is because she felt pressured and if she felt pressured then it is possible that it was not done correctly ie lots of foreplay, lots and lots of lube and both parties willing and consenting to this to occur. Lots of guys like anal I do not know why but it is a personal choice. Maybe she has never done it before but does not feel comfortable in telling you that she does not want to do it. If she has done it then as above it would have hurt a great deal and most women and men usually do not wish to associate pain with sex. There needs to be HONEST OPEN COMMUNICATION between the both of you without pressure. Put yourself in her shoes would you like someone to perform anal on you? What if she had a strap on? Would you consent if she really wanted to try it? I am interested to know why guys seem to like anal?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 You should not have judged her. Whatever she did with the ex is her business and private matter between them. You should not equate what they did together and what she did not do with you. Every one change and what was once liked may now be not in favor.Taste can change .We should not be too rigid.It does not mean that she loves you less.Don't compare your sex act with her ex.
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