A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I told my girlfriend last night that I had a busy week this week and wouldn’t be able to see her today, Thursday and Saturday. She then started saying how mean I was and that I didn’t want to see her and she started sulking. She was half joking but many a true word said in jest and all that – and she started being quite malicious saying that I don’t give a damn and that she lets me see my friends a day or two a week and that I should see her all other days. She then started saying weird things like ‘ I like black men, no I really do! And half-cast…but I don’t like white guys’…I didn’t really know how to take that. Isn’t that racist? I’m white and don’t know what she was trying to achieve by saying that. I thought ok…you can like who you like but why are you actively putting me down. She then started saying I was being grumpy and childish when I wasn’t too talkative and kept turning it around saying I don’t know why you’re being grumpy- you’re the mean one not wanting to see me. What am I supposed to do or think if every time I try to do something that doesn’t involve her she gets upset and starts getting insulting? I really like her but she can be so controlling, selfish and overwhelming while thinking that she is never in the wrong! What should I think of this? Will she change? What should do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): I am exactly like this girl. Except the comment about liking black guys, I don't really get that one... I am a controlling person and want to see my boyfriend all the time. I dated a guy who wanted his space at times and I couldn't handle it. I would become sulky and sad and say "you don't care about me!" and threaten to leave him. The reason I do this? I don't really know to be honest. I have a fear of abandonment and feel like if someone doesn't want to see me all the time then they don't care about me. I know my dad is very controlling so that is most likely where I get it from. I'm not sure why your girlfriend is this way. Now I am not condoning my actions. I know I can be a huge pain in the ass and no guy wants to deal with me. However I have met one and he listens to me and cares about my opinion. He wants to see me as much as I want to see him. She needs someone she can feel like this that she feels she is in control of. If you aren't the type of guy to be pushed around then you should definitely leave her. I won't say she doesn't love you because I love my boyfriend dearly and still act this way when I don't get what I want. She won't change unless she can get some kind of help. I have ruined relationships with my actions and yet I continue to be how I am. I think that I am a great girl and girlfriend and would do anything for my boyfriend, I'm just so insecure and controlling and it is hard to put up with long enough to see the great side. I wonder if she is even aware of how she is acting? If you do decide to stay with her my main advice is not to take anything she says in anger to heart. She doesn't mean it. She just wants to "win" and says hurtful things to get you to change your mind. She never believes she is in the wrong because in her mind everything she says makes complete sense. You need to be easy going and care free. If you want to do something then do it. When she becomes insulting just say "well you know I love you but I need time to myself." And if she continues then say you have to go. Most likely she will freak and cry but get over it everytime. It's all up to you if you can handle it or not.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009): Thats a difficult one to answer, but what springs to mind is needy/drama queen. Personally I've left girls like that for more easier going ones, people here will probably tell you she is insecure and that you should talk to her about it and find out what the real reason is blah blah blah and that might not be a bad idea, certainly better that than just outright dumping her.
I've gone out with girls like that as I've already said and I went through all the motions to try and make it work, but I figured out a long time ago that I can't change them, only they can, it is unreasonable for girls like that to think you'll cater for their every whim and then they don't respect you when you do either.
If you can get to the route of her insecurities and help her overcome them then fine, if not,well...
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