A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, here goes my question. My wife and I have been struggling over the past year or so because of a long series of lies I have discovered regarding her romantic and sexual past. To save you the drawn out details, there are at least four people she was had an intimate relationship with (some before our relationship began, some after) that she lied to me about - and I don't mean one lie or two lies - over months and months as I uncovered fragments she disclosed bits and pieces (never more than she had to based on whatever the new evidence was). It bears mentioning that these "relationships" don't trouble me because I can't handle accepting she has a sexual past - really, that's not it. Rather these lies were especially hurtful for me because in many cases they involved men she has maintained contact with over the course of our relationship, while representing to me in various ways that she could never imagine feeling romantically interested in these people. One person is co worker whose office is next to hers. I can remember early in our relationship when she would talk about him as if he disgusted and annoyed her; she mocked him when talking to me. Later, much later, I find out, not because she volunteered the information, but because of my own investigating, that this supposedly disgusting, annoying person is someone she was intimate with.Cutting to it, these months of lying, the seemingly endless emotional conversations we've had, all of it...has become something of a cancer in our relationship. I cannot help feeling preoccupied that there is more she needs to tell me; she is deathly afraid to disclose more. I try to reassure her that I'm no longer in agony over what may have happened, but that what is damaging us now is the loss of trust and me feeling like there is no longer the same candor and transparency in our relationship. Anyway, no matter how much I reassure her, she is holding the line and refuses to open up any more.At this point, as silly as this may seem, I need your objective opinions regarding whether certain explanations of a couple events, in your view, seem more likely to be true or false. I know it may seem unimportant to still be obsessing over factual details, but for better or worse, that is where I am. If you would take a moment and give me your opinion, this would be helpful to me.The first scenario involves the co-worker. According to her, despite being 'aware' that he was probably attracted to her, she accepted an invitation from him to take a work related trip with him and a group of other co workers. According to her, her initial decision to go on the trip was innocent; she knew he was flirty, but never thought anything would happen. She has admitted they sat next to each other on the plane (a long flight). In all, the trip lasted a week. It involved tours to historic sites, etc., with almost every night ending at a bar or restaurant. In her pictures from the trip, there are a few group photos from different nights - they are always drinking, smiling, and she is next to him. She says that near the end of the trip, he asked her to have dinner with him - just the two of them - away from the group. She tells me that at this point she "began" suspecting that he liked her. She says that at dinner it became clearer that he was attracted to her; he joked about how they could fool around as colleagues, etc., and even tried to hold her hand after dinner.Later that night, according to her, after drinking with the group, he walked her back to her room. Once there, she says that he came on to her - but curiously, she says she remembers nothing about how any of it progressed. She says that he ended up performing oral sex on her. She can't provide any more details; she can't explain anything about whether they contemplated sex, why they wouldn't have gone ahead and had sex, and vigorously denies that she did anything to him.She says that he then left and this event was never acknowledged or spoken of again - not during the remainder of the trip, or ever again once they returned home. I have seen emails between them, sent after the trip, that have a very friendly, chummy, and in my opinion flirty tone. But she absolutely insists that they never so much as joked about what happened, or acknowledged it between them.First, in my gut, I just can't accept the scenario she describes regarding what happened. How likely do you think it is that they were intimate just that one night? There they were, out of the country, staying in hotels and so on, and they did this one night - and never again; really? Doesn't it seem more likely that they would have enjoyed these newly discovered "benefits" as much as possible for the entire trip?Second, I can't believe that he simply gave her oral sex, and then got up and went to his room. I'm a grown up, and in all of my experience, It's hard for me to imagine an intimate situation unfolding this way. Isn't natural after oral sex to proceed to vaginal sex? Isn't it likely that she also gave him oral sex? I don't get it - he just gets up, wipes off his face, and leaves? It just doesn't seem like a reasonable account. What do you think? How many times have you (women), the first time you've been intimate with someone, just received oral sex and ended it? How many times have you (men) done this?Third, I've never had an intimate encounter (or encounters) with someone and then never, in any way, shape or form, ever address it, discuss it, joke about it, flirt about it affectionately, something... According to her, he gives her ORAL SEX one night, something that in my opinion might be considered more intimate than regular sex, and they get up the next morning and forever just act like it never happened? Really?What do you guys, especially those of you who are women, think really happened?
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co-worker, flirt, my ex, oral sex, sexual past, vagina Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 August 2010):
 It can happen that all he did was oral sex and then they never talked about it again. It actually can. Just because you find it impossible, or never could imagine it, people are different and indeed it is possible. What confuses me though is that you say she was intimate with someone after she started a committed relationship with you. Was she in a relationship with you when her colleague and she had sex? Or how do you define intimacy? And what do you define as a crossing of these lines? Did you ever talk to your wife about it when you started dating? I will say my thoughts based on how I understood this, she had an affair with her colleague in the past?
As for sitting next to each other on a plane ride.. no matter how many hours, is completely innocent. You are reading way too much into that. I think you are reading a lot into completely normal situations. That doesn't mean she isn't fooling around, it just means you need to practice not over-analyzing. And then learn what you truly need to focus on. Her being intimate with someone else after getting into a relationship with you is a no-no. Her sitting next to some guy on a plane ride is not defined as "intimate" in anyones book. It could be if they were flirting, but it could also be like any other person you sit to next on a plane.
I think this is a very tricky situation because you want to be open and honest about everything about her. And that is fair and all, but she also has a right to have her past, and personal life, to herself. How much you will open up to one another, and how much of a privacy you are allowed in a relationship/marriage, is something that should be discussed and decided upon long before the wedding. She sounds like she needs more privacy, and you sound like you need everything out in the open.
So, it could be less of a situation where she is directly lying, and more a situation where she tries to keep some of her past private and to herself, not wanting to tell you. This could be because she doesn't want you to know out of various reasons, or she just prefers it this way, and for the past to be in the past. While she is not right to lie about it, you are not particularly right to demand to know the details. If she wants to tell you that is fine, but obsessing about her past is different. Which one describes you better I don't know. But either way, you and her are not on terms with how much should, and needs, to be told.
However, if this was during your relationship, she cheated. End of story. Divorce or try and go to counseling.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 August 2010):
 I'm so sorry for you.. this must be very painfull.. but I will answer your questions..
Yes it is possible for a man to give oral sex and then leave you alone.. it happened to a friend of mine.. of course alcohol was involved and she would have not like even that amount of sexual contact.. (she's a catholic) So yes, I've heard of such things happening.
About never speaking about it.. yes, this is common.. this is what incest/rape victims do. They can be raped by their brother/father at night, and come down in the morning and act as if nothing has happened. They do this by blocking out the memories that leave them feeling shamed, dirty and heart sick..
So yes, considering the fact that some of these actions were done in a relationship, I do believe your wife is trying to pretend it never happened and therefore she can convince herself she has done nothing wrong. If she's blocking things out, it will be difficult for her to tell you about the experience, she's not even being truthfull with herself at this point.
Many men who ask for further details find out that it hurts and tortures them more than ever. Will this happen to you, will more revelations bring relief, or more questions and more hurt and sadness?
As I say, she may not have more to tell, especially if she's tried hard to forget an incident where alcohol may have played a big part... things will be hazy, and what seems like avoidance or lies, may be forgetfullness on her part..
Again, sorry for your hurt..
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 August 2010):
 You're in an incredibly difficult situation.
There's two related things going. As someone else pointed out, you are suffering from retroactive jealousy. This is making you obsess over the 'facts' of your wife's past. Broken trust has led you to doubt everything. This obsession is extremely damaging to your relationship, as you have pointed out.
At the same time you have been cheated on.
However, you have combined the two in an unhealthy way.
The struggle isn't the lies, it's because she cheated on you. Your wife had sexual contact with another man whilst with you. This is clearly a huge breach of trust. Many would end a marriage over it.
You have to decide what you want…
Do you want to leave your wife? If so, torturing yourself and her before doing so will not achieve anything positive. If you feel you cannot and do not want to repair your marriage, then you should end it. But do it as respectfully as you can.
Or do you want to stay with her?
If you want to stay, you need to change your approach.
Rather than continuing to interrogate her and doubt her, you need to decide to trust her. This is incredibly difficult! But it's the only thing that will save your marriage. This means:
- Stopping with the questions. Looking back to the past is only going to cause more obsession, and to grow the 'cancer' as you call it. You have to stop. Stop obsessing. Stop questioning. Stop talking about it. Stop thinking about it.
- Deciding to trust her. That means letting go of your doubts and wiping the slate clean. Yes it's unfair, but it's the only way. Trying to exact some sort of penance from her by continually bringing this up is never going to lead to trust, only to more distrust.
It's that simple unfortunately. There's no magic bullet. Only a simple decision: stay with her or leave her. If you stay, you have to put this episode behind you and consign it to the past where it can stay forever.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): He has business investigating anything he damn well pleases. He was lied to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry I should have clarified - we were together at the time this happened.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): This is her past. You were not there and she didn't know you. You have no business being a part of her past or investigating it.
What you have is a severe case of retro active jelousy. This is not her problem, but yours. Please seek counseling as this will destroy your relationship...and she'll end up with other men in her future.
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