A
female
age
26-29,
*hedimestorepoet
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we are really happy together. He works away a fair bit and I travel frequently so we have regular LDR stints of maybe a couple of weeks or longer (up to 2 or more months). The distance isn't an issue and whenever we are back together everything feels fantastic.However I've been having an issue with my boyfriends sex drive on and off for a while but especially recently. When we first met we understandably both had high sex drives but in the last year he hasn't been interested in a while. When we see each other after a while he's very keen for one time but then nothing for maybe a month or so.He's had some sensitivity issues e.g. finishing very quickly, which we found only happens the first time then after regular sex for a short while resolves itself. Naturally from this he's had some confidence issues but I've always reassured him about them. Like I said it isn't all the time just if its the first time or so after a long period without. So with infrequent sex at the moment this is everytime which I think might be putting him off more.I know he isn't a very sexual person generally and in his own words 'finds it a little gross'. I've always had the higher sex drive but he was always into it in the moment even if all that dissipated as soon as we were finished. However now he just seems awkward during sex, not into it, and does't want to talk about it. It makes it difficult to give him direction on what I enjoy as I feel it just makes him uncomfortable to talk about it. He mentioned once he was only really doing it now to keep me happy. When we first met and for the first year he definitely had more of a passion in it and wanted to make sure we were both enjoying it. But now it seems like something he's trying to get over and done with and going through the motions. I'm not really sure what to do. I'm starting to feel that I'm not attractive, which is silly but can't help it. He is still cuddly and not that we are in a bad place but it is just the sex which I miss. I've not pushed the subject too heavily as i didn't want to make things worse but I'd like to at least see some passion back even if it was still as frequent as it is now.Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2018): Lots of gender based assumptions and stereotypes being bandied around here ! Men don't need porn . Nobody needs it and no man had died fro. A lack of porn. It's a choice they make and yes perhaps your partner had chosen porn over a fulfilling sex life with a real life woman . Unfortunately it seems many men do nowadays
It seems the best step would be to first try talking to him and if that fails suggest couples counselling
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2018): First-off, please don't blame yourself in any way. This isn't your fault at all. You made two observations apparent, that your sex-drive was normally higher than his; and you spend a lot of time apart.
There is a possibility that during long periods without intimacy he may pleasure himself. As may you! We have different plumbing! It's normal behavior to masturbate; especially people in their 20's and younger. Guys compensate for the lack of sexual-fulfillment using masturbation as the alternative. Alternative to cheating, or going without sex!
Well, for some guys that requires porn for stimulation. Masturbation is very private. So it's not always an easy topic of discussion. If it never comes up in discussion; don't think you can just jump on it out of the clear blue!
His appropriate reaction would be...WTF??? Not necessarily said, but you would catch someone off-guard if you come at them with guns fully-loaded! Which too many women do, whether they like this comment or not. I speak frankly. I don't sugarcoat things to avoid rebuttal. We all have a right to disagree.
We are taught by religion and scolded by our mothers that masturbation is sinful and depraved behavior. One thing that is factual, if you don't believe either of those things; is that too much of it will desensitize you. The friction over a period of time will lessen your sensitivity to stimulation by pressure or stroking. Thus, reduced or no response to intercourse; or other sexual-activity/stimuli.
This is pure speculation. So don't go throwing all sorts of unsubstantiated accusations and blame at your boyfriend. Passion tends to plateau and dip normally in a couple's relationship. If you look for faults, you'll find them.
Sometimes when people are separated, their insecurities and suspicion takes hold. Many women are predisposed to the notion men always cheat. So even if they will not come right out and make that accusation; it's screaming in the back of their minds. They don't like to be called-out for their insecurities; so they mask it and pretend there's another reason for their concern. You didn't mention this, but don't feel bad that it crossed your mind once or twice. Been there and done that! Wise or otherwise, I'm human too!
My guy and I have to take business-trips alternately. We have to get readjusted/reacquainted as partners; but our maturity and experience has taught us that emotionally and physically, people don't maintain efficiency, and reliability like machines. Sexual-performance will improve or depreciate. Moods change, and passion sometimes fizzles-out. That's normal. If you didn't know that, glad to help!
Sometimes work-stress takes awhile to subside. Re-acclimating to your familiar-surroundings, time-zones, and jet-lag; may take a few days. Even weeks! We are both highly-motivated, successful, and focused individuals. Something is always going on in our minds. Work-related, or just dumb stuff! Junk just pops into your head at the most inconvenient moment! You know?!!
I'm sure he picks up differences in your sexual-response, movements, appearance, or moods; and may be more aware of changes in you that he hasn't mentioned. The key issue is the fact that you are apart and re-familiarizing yourselves after separation. It makes us hypersensitive to even the slightest differences. Being human, he may have some of the same exact things going through his mind as you have. "She seems a bit different...a little off!" Not to say he doesn't wonder what you may be up to when he's not around?
You're in a relationship, and these things are typical. Women openly express their feelings; and we men try to hide them. Somethings both partners hide inside; because they are better left unsaid. Being considerate of each others feelings. Just as you are doing right now!
Have a gentle, but intimate, discussion about sex. Set the mood. Use your imagination and lovingly create the right setting and a cozy atmosphere. Warm and intimate.
You can approach the conversation by suggesting some ways to spice things up. I do sense some undertones of suspicion and concern; or you wouldn't have written a post about it. Just don't jump to negative-conclusions before you consider what the norms are. You can't compare a fully-established relationship with one that was in-blossom; full of novelty, hormones, and newness. You get accustomed and comfortable with (and to) your partner. Sex-drives naturally go up and down, and sometimes they fall out of sync. That too, is normal over the course of a relationship. A sudden dive in sex-drive means you need to see your doctor for a physical.
Don't assume it's you, that he's cheating; or he's a porn-addict. Keep suspicions and over-concern under control. It will make you say and do things that you'll regret. Communication is how people get things back on track, and you discuss intimacy in a calm and affectionate way. If you add suspicion or blame; it closes the door to communication, and your partner will become defensive. Maybe even reversed-suspicion occurs, wondering why this is suddenly a problem? Just ask him if he wants to spice things up, and what he'd like. Stop and listen; and then tell him what you'd like. This is all a part of regular maintenance and upkeep of a relationship.
The honeymoon phase in any romantic-relationship can be prolonged and resuscitated; but it's not indefinite or permanent. Relationships must reach maturity and evolve over time. There are sometimes subtle, and sometimes obvious changes in people. You just have to adapt to them; or discuss them with understanding and patience.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 April 2018):
 I doubt it has anything to do with him not being attracted to you, and more that he is insecure now within himself. If you are both in a relationship then you both need to be able to communicate openly about these kind of issues. You need to be able to tell him how the lack of intimacy is making you feel. There is a lot more to passion than sex. Even if he does finish quick he can still pleasure you if he really wanted to. He obviously needs a confidence boost as well but all I can suggest is that you sit down together and tell him how you are feeling.
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