A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I are seperated. It has only been a few weeks now that he has been gone. We were together for 9 years and I had a 2 year old son when I met him who is now 11. We have 2 other younger children together. He is angry and hates me because he was put in jail for a night and is now on probation for putting his hands on me. He has stated to others that he would see his own 2 biological children but that is it. He has raised my older son and is the only father he has ever known. He sees him as his dad and the younger children don't even realize that he would have a different father. I am so upset by this. If my son were to hear this, it would devastate him. He has not tried to contact any of the children since he has been gone but, I am afraid that if/when he decides to try to get in contact, he will exclude my older boy. I don't know the best way to handle this. Any suggestions?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 August 2011):
 This is a tough one. I have experienced this in my own family. My sister's second marriage had the same set up. Unfortunately, my brother reacted the same way as your husband and totally crushed my nephew. It was heartbreaking to watch and both my sister and the boy were inconsolable. However, many years down the line, the father had a change of heart and tried to contact my nephew. But it was too little too late. My sister remarried and is very happy, my nephew is also happy and successful but we'll never know how much pain his still carrying around. The good news is that the other two children realized what a douche bag their "real" dad is and have also excluded him from their lives and are very close to their older brother.
All you can hope for is that your husband will not be such a heartless bastard and do this to you son. If he does, be there for your son and know time is on your side. My very best wishes and I'll keep you both in my prayers.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2011): I'm afraid I would be putting the sanity of your eldest son first here.
Its all very well to think 'well yes my kids need their dad' but when its at the expense of your son's well being I wouldn't let him anywere near them. Your kids come as a package, its all or none. No favouratism or neglect, he shows interest in all of them or he should stay away full stop!
He sounds like a vile peace of work, who your children will no doubt be better off in the long run.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (1 August 2011):
 Hi,
I am sorry to hear about your divorce... Should be so stressful, sad, because the truth is, this was the man you once love, and hope to spend the rest of your life with.
I don't like to judge people I don't know, but its very hurtful that he even said something like, not want to continue a relationship with your 1st child? How cold can a mature man be to say, or even consider something like that? Its beyond words and just hard to comprehend
He's very upset now, and clearly not thinking right, so for now, its best to just let him be, avoid as much as possible and don't expect much from him. Let him cool off.
When he's feeling better, better mood, tell him that you would like to keep a civil, respectfull relationship with him, ask him to please agree with you and do it for the children, because they are the innocent victims..
I am sorry that your ex-husband is behaving this way, hopefully he's just angry and stress. Hopefully he'll come to his senses and be a loving father to your children, including your 1st.. Because that's the right thing a father should do, love, support, be responsible for his own children.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2011): He doesn't have to see or support your oldest son, not unless he officially adopted him after you two got married. If he did not adopt your oldest son, then there is nothing he can do and to be quite honest, I don't feel he has to see or talk to him if he does not want to do so. I think its perhaps best if you contact your son's real, biological father, so that he gets a father figure in his life. Or even your own father, brother etc.
Its rather unfair that you expect your husband to look after, contact a son that is not his, especially given the stressful situation.
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