A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i dont know what to do and really need advice.. my life is a mess. I have grown up as an only child and never had a perfect relationship with my parents. When i was 16 i coincidently began speaking to someone id seen around my area, because he used to look at me in a strange manner and i was paranoid that he knew something about me to do with my first unrequited love,as he knew him too. and so i wantded to know. So somebody gave me his number and we began chating, but i never liked him. I found out he was married and that he had a kid and another one was expected too. I never had an issue with this because i was not interested in him at all. However, we began talking i realised he was a reaaly nice person and told him about how i ended up falling for the guy that i loved. Then he began telling me about his first love and how much he loved her, and i genuinely felt a bond of understanding that iv never seen in another male before, I was young, and going through a severe rough emotional stage in life, and i began to grow towards him. however i felt guilty many times too for talking to him, but found itd become a habit, i saw him on his birthday and i liked how he respected me. we began seeing each other more frequently and not once did he ever touch me or even hug before id leve, so we basically would have a laugh together. after about 20 times of seeing each other randomly 1 day we started kissing. that day id realised that unconciously, iv got my sself into it deep. tried to quit talking to him due to guilt but id realised id began to depend on him. he justified himself by saying that being an asian, he got pressured to get married when he was 19 to someone hed never met before. So i felt sorry for him thinking hes living an empty life. but we began going out and he was the sweetest nicest kindest person id ever met, wed talk 5-6 hours a day. in this however, i used to feel guilty for being with him and we began to argue, mainly due to conflicts in my head..my guilt..my jelousy.. and every 2 weeks or so we'd break up and make up- unable to be strong enough to break it apart as it was my 1st relationship and i am a very very emotional person. we spent 2 and a half years which wer spent with more and more fights by the day. Now eventually i have gained some courage and broke up 6 months ago. i never wanted to ruin his family. he says i cant just completely go that would be unfair, and truth be told i do not have the courage. now we talk 5 mintues a day and he seems so detached. he says he loves me but somehow i dont see it. i feel like iv been used. but he was such an amazing person i cant belive hes changed so much.. throughout the relationship i kept it discreet and only 2 or 3 friends knew- they disaproved for obvious reasons. im bottling my feelings in for nearly 2 years now, i was always to ashamed to talk to my friends, thoughout everything i coped alone, but now im breaking down again. i dont know how to percieve the situation, how to move on because my like is flooded with memoires of him, i feel i will never be hapy with another person, and seeing him so content with his wife and kids hurts a little. how am i supposed to react to this situation? please advise me and i hope u publish this because this is literally the frist time iv asked for advise, to my friends i pretend im okay everyday when really, im broken apart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to update this situation.
before I was always confused why hes changed- but certain he had loyalties to me- that he loved me. That I would be the last- after which he'd faithfuly return to his family.
thats the ONLY thing that got me a little bit through allll the guilt.
this time ( a whole year) we've bin appart. all efforts on my side. he would ring me once every two months- and bring the feelings back when i was desperately trying to move on for the better of everyone.
I thought hes faithfully with his wife and kids. Wen we were together- he stopped talking to every female mate.
Which was wise because hes a serial dater. And by being to 'friendly' with girls would lead to something else, and continue the cycle, and break allll my trust, my heart, my sacrifices and everything i did for him despite knowing im just a temporary time pass.
Desperate to know what hes upto with his life...having loved him sooo deeply and still been faithfuly his with my actions and my lifestyle even the year and half we were apart- i wanted to know if hes been the same. LEt alone date anybody- i didnt evn make friends with guys. To me it was him- and anyone else in life that my come my way- would be a compromise- cos id already loved and lost my soultmate. IT was a horrible time.
guess what? recently he went to see a friend behind my back. It was actually me texting from her sim- testing him. I subtly implied that shes very upset- and to not tell me- and he shot into the oppertunity. to what would be seen as 'flirting' to most normal people, he very 'friendlily' began chatting to her 'soothing' her whilst I was on the phone a night before- telling him im madly in lovve with him and life without him is sooo hard and that i miss him like hell.
as my friend- i asked him 'wont your ex be upset or hurt were talking?'
he replied 'no why would she, were not together i can do what i like'
and he kept avoiding the topic of me coming up. He didnt find it awkward that the friend has randomly texting him first time in years- but cared shes determined to keep it a secret from me- he already began asking to see her the next day! 6-7 times come man come see me when she kept showing no intrest. He kept saying so what? were just friends.
at the same time when i rang- he lied and said he was sleeping. this was the first lie of his i ever caught. After that i saw him telling me lies all night with shocking confidence that i was numb. I couldnt belive it. I trusted him soooooooo much.
the next day he came to see her ( but i turned up instead)! yet when i asked i want to meet him he said sorry hes going out with his wife- hes really busy.
when i turned up- he was acting like its not a big deal- that he didnt say anything sexualy innapropriate though did he? that he only came to see her as a friend because she was upset
few points to note here:
-whilst his OWN ex was upset over him - he was soothing my best friend claiming i was going to be totally fine about it.
- whilst telling her hes broke up with me more than a year ago- a night before he was trying to talk dirty to me and to send semi nude pictures.
Me being in mad deep love still- didnt find it 'using'. I just thought he loved me like crazy- but was putting a stone on his heart and moving on with his life.
- this was all behind my back and he was calling her 'sweetpie' and 'cutie' and asking her to see him soo many times despite her not showing intrest once!!!!
in defence he was claiming he only went to see her because she was upset. in actual fact- she really put stress on that once he was telling her hes going to bed late at night- welll after he'd asked her to come see him.
bassically swearing to god he had no intentions to attempt to 'get onto her'.
Im confident he did. but it breaks my heart how he constantly denies it. Lies and lies and more lies. he wont admit it and it kills because we shared sooo much- we were together for soooo long and we went through sooo much together.
he was my 1st, and i was his 20th or something. Hes the guy i gave my virginity to. We did every kind of sexual activity- and really extreme oral too. constantly. At the time he used to always tell me- its ok were in love. IT happns in love. you love me madly i love you. And i cant belive i let it happen both ways- again and again.
now i feel like i was only used. Its so horrible and i cant bear it. Everything makes sence. But he wont admit it- and infact shows anger and outrage at me when i suggest it.
that he 'doesnt belive i think like that'.
what am i supposed to belive?
Because this whole issue is sensitive with him being married- i cant tell ANYBODY this. i keep it to my self and its killing me inside.
then= i also found out he was talking to another friend of mine a fullllllllll year when i didnt talk to him. a friend i forbade him to talk to once she spread a rumor he tried to kiss her. In his respect i stoppped talking to her and told him not to either.
shortly after- we broke up. and shortly after- they began talking and he inititated it.
him talking to her despite knowing she spread a secret rumour of him trying to kiss herr- does that not mean he wanted that to happen THATS why he spoke to her? that he was OK at that idea? because any other person would be too disgusted too.
both him and my friend, hid this from me for a whole year and half. Recently i found out- and i felt the worst betreyal ever- because it was from my friend AND the person i lovd to bitsss.
and i also found out that he told her he recently met me and kissed me. (a mistake that happened after i asked to see him for a closure and truth soon after he was 'flirting' with my earlier friend).
he told this to my friend. something small, but personal. something I thought was between ME AND HIM. she didnt evn know i met him!!! he rang her and went out of his way to tell her!!! and she didnt evn tell me- instread went to other friends to gossip about it.
i hate them. i feel soooo deeply used and played around. I hate him to bits. How am i ment to trust ANYTHING EVER?
For all i know- hes told our reaaaally personal intimacy to not only her- but other male friends, and other people too. He says he hasnt- but he lies on EVERYTHING or so it seems.
The guy who I literally saw as my eyes if i was a blind person- he fooled and messed me and abused my trust.
Did he use me?
After i found this out- he gave a very empty and shallow 'sorry'- tried to tell me im misunderstood hes not as bad as i think he is- hes never had 'sex' with anybody after me, or 'went out with anybody'.
He wont realise that all this is MORE THAN bad enough. its emotional betrayal.
It pains me how he continues to deny it. I know its blatent that i should walk away and hes not worth even associating with, let alone loving or seeking awnsers- BUT I NEED AWANSERS. i need a truth. Im the sort of person that needs a person to admit their mistake.
I feel sooo angry. Im burning in pain and bitterness. HE keeps putting the blame on me!!!
that im horrible for saying if he died i wouldnt care, that im focousing on his bad points- that i used to be a angry bitc* when we were together.
(when we were together- we usd to fight loaaads. But THEY used to happen because he was MARRIED!!! and its associated pain, bitterness, feelings on being a side peice made me irritable all the time- because of HIM)
yet he justifies his betrayal down to that.
I need advice, but also- i want to send him this link. I need him to understand why he HAS been unfaithful, and he HAS betrayed me and he HAS been wholely wrong. IT is crucial for my own peace. but because of the nature of the situation- and my own friends that knew about the situation being just as low as him- i have no one who can give ther opnion. its just mine vs. his.
can any body please reply to me in light of the fact that he will be reading this too?
did he use me? he keeps saying he loved me. He cant have. I gave up sooo much for him, my youth, my freedom- my faithfulness, my love my trust, heard all sorts of abuse in anger - 'your a sl*g - stop comparing myself to your wife' ' how did u buy me such expensive presents- (which i saved up for pound by pound) and he said that he bets i went around giving oral sex to many many guys for £10 each to save up.
I took aaalll this abuse- knowing that no matter the bitter words- he loves me. He did do some nice stuff- but it seems now- he did it to please himself- whilst he was intrested in me. Because when he lost intrest- he became a cruel harsh selfish person.
Il always hate you for what you did to me. I did soo much because I was desperate to make myself 'different' to the hundreds before me- and with being my first- i was innocent and romantic and gave my world to be a perfect person. And i was taught 'love' by lies cheat betrayal.. and still lies.
A
female
reader, Not My Name  +, writes (30 January 2010):
 Hun, you need to stop telling yourself excuses about why you CANT move on, and start telling yourself that you WILL move on. No one ever climbed a mountain whilst telling themselves they could not do it! You are defeated already as long as you continue to thnk like this!
Yes, you are hurt, but you will prolong it for as long as you find reasons to hold on to it. Let it go - for your own sake!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionarghhhh! :-( i feel so confused. thanks for the advice but its soo hard. i have a long term sleeping problem now, literallly for a couple of years, and especially since we broke up, i just cant sleep till 4-5 even 6am in the morning. il just lay in bed any cry myself through out the night. iv become too dependant on him, to emotionally attatched. the four weeks when i cut all contact with him felt like i was driven insane. the suffering seemed unbearable. i don't want him to leave his wife and kids for me, never, but i honestly feel il never be so in sync with any1 ever again. i hate the way i look, i have a complexity about literally everything, my weight my skin my features, yet he alwayz made me feel beautiful, by complimenting me on every aspect of me i hated. i dont think anyone else will have the ability to do that. i just want to know how can i be optimmisitic about my future, because right now i feel like im in a pitch black tunnel with absolutely no light at the end of it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionarghhhh! :-( i feel so confused. thanks for the advice but its soo hard. i have a long term sleeping problem now, literallly for a couple of years, and especially since we broke up, i just cant sleep till 4-5 even 6am in the morning. il just lay in bed any cry myself through out the night. iv become too dependant on him, to emotionally attatched. the four weeks when i cut all contact with him felt like i was driven insane. the suffering seemed unbearable. i don't want him to leave his wife and kids for me, never, but i honestly feel il never be so in sync with any1 ever again. i hate the way i look, i have a complexity about literally everything, my weight my skin my features, yet he alwayz made me feel beautiful, by complimenting me on every aspect of me i hated. i dont think anyone else will have the ability to do that. i just want to know how can i be optimmisitic about my future, because right now i feel like im in a pitch black tunnel with absolutely no light at the end of it.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (29 January 2010):
 What you're experiencing is a broken heart. We've all been there--you can't eat, can't sleep, feel like you'll never love again, etc. What you are feeling is not unusual after you've been hurt, so don't think that your feelings are some sign that he's The One or that you'll never love again. Although it may not seem like it now, you WILL feel better. The healing can only happen, though, if you cut off contact with him. Stop making excuses for why you can't do this because you really don't have a choice.He is not going to leave his wife and children to be with you.
Also, based on your previous relationship, it sounds like you are drawn to men you can't have. You may need to speak with a counselor to find out why you seek out relationships with men who are unattainable. If you continue down this path, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut everyday its as though hes unconciously inside me, when i laugh with friends inside im tripping over thinking about him, when im eating, when im working, when im at uni my mind will be on him. i am a very emotionaly weak person, and my first unrequited love helped set those grounds. he did help me overcome a phase of depression i was going through, what hurts is i know i have done soooo much for him, emotionaly and lots of efforts in any other way, i could hate it if at the end of it all, he'd go away thinking that 'i took the pi**'. He never really understood how big an issue him being married was whenever we'd argue too, like he'd compare me to his long term ex'z before he was married that they never 'pecked head' this much, yet he wouldnt understand that theyv never had to suffer in silence, the self hate and jelousy that i had to. whever i try to block him out he'l be nice and try geting me to talk 'atleast now and again', but when we do talk a few minz a day, he'l just walk over me and it hurts to think, does he really not care. he had the best of both worlds when i had less then 50% of him., i love him so much i can never imagine being with someone else..
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A
female
reader, Not My Name +, writes (29 January 2010):
You need to get rid of all the things that remind you of him, stop having contact with him, and start dating other men.
At the moment tho, you are still hanging on to a thread which is a constant reminder of what you have not got, ...and that is gunna sting ya over and over and over until you allow yourself the space to stop thinking of him.
As for him thinking it unfair of you to cut contact - screw that self serving shite, ... neither of you are being fair to you to have you keep suffering for a mistake.
If he loved you, he would want to help end your torment. He does not want you completely gone tho because it comforts him to have you on the outskirts.
He is only thinking of himself, - it is about time you did the same!
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