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female
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anonymous
writes: Gosh where to start,.. Im totally in love with my man but im very scared that the lack of sex situation will force me to cheat. Now i hear you all saying if you loved him you wouldnt cheat.. but its not that simple!! Unless you are in it you really dont know!! We have been together 3 years and things are fab in everyway but the sex. its very infrequent, normally every other week if that and I would like it a lot more. I have tried talking to him and asking whats up and he says nothing everything is fine.. we dont need to have sex to prove we love each other or to make it a perfect relationship. There are no health or stress issues and hes fine when we do have sex and we have this conversation every month, at first he was meeting me half way which i thought great at least we can kind off get to the middle ground, now its dwindled even more, and no matter what i try and do, make him feel special, him feel loved and treasured im begining to feel unwanted sexually. Now I have told him on numerous occasions that i want to feel desired, and he says you are desired, i love you more than anything and fancy the pants off you.. so why then are we not having more sex ? we kiss and cuddle all the while and even go to bed naked together, but nothing, its only ever sex when he wants and thats it... Its got to the point over this last year that im getting so upset about being rejected that i fear im gonna look elsewhere! I dont want to but i want to feel craved and desired!! he loves me in every other way and we are soul mates, we laugh cry and do lots of things together, its all great and its perfect its just this bloody bit! it drives me crazy, why cant he meet in the middle and see the angle i am coming from, it causes friction and rows because he then thinks he isnt good enough!! Im trying to tell him that he is good enough and that i want more, but he still says the same thing, that we dont need to be having sex all the time as we are secure in ourselves in our relationship.. yes i agree we are but the lack of sex is really upsetting me and im feeling unwanted, doesnt matter how many times i tell him this he says it simply isnt true and i know that he loves and fancys me and its just goes around and around... how can i get the sex back to more than twice a month ? any ideas ? Im not a sex maniac nor am i unattractive, we are intimate on every level but hardly ever sex anymore, he claims to have a higher sex drive than me but says he doesnt sit by the calender counting the days, we have sex when we have sex type thing... but thats just it we hardly ever do and i really would like more... im so worried that to get my fix and to make me feel desired again im gonna seek out someone else, i really dont want that but i find myself fantasising about men at work!! I have tried dressing up, watching porn with him, generally just massaging him, sex toys, enacting fantasies, what else can i do ? Its no use saying leave him, because i dont want that either i really do love him and everything about him, we are great in so many ways just this bit, i really want to get over it!! its just this part drives me insane, how can I overcome this or at least try and get him a little more interested... perhaps i gotta take the focus off sex, but how do i do that.. any help at all guys would be great cos i really want to be so much more happier in our sex life, it used to be great but then as long term relationships do it disappeared into the ether and I dont know how to get it back... we are both in our thirties. Please help Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2006): Oh well I guess its a case of like it or lump it.. Men can be wierd sometimes and when you are so in love its hard to see why he doesnt want a sex life as much anymore. Think it seems men have turned into women lol.. used to be the woman that wasnt interested in sex, now it seems its more and more men that are like cant we just cuddle does it always have to be sex! Perhaps men dont like us being liberated and in control!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2006): If you really want to stay with him then cheating isn't an option. You need to cancel that idea immediately!
I know where you are coming from as it is much the same with my boyfriend. I get so frustrated, annoyed, confused and sometimes even in a bad mood as I just can't understand it. Our sex drives seemed about the same to start with - however then his tapered off and mine stayed the same.
Sorry that doesn't help you much. I guess we're in the same situation. I wish I knew the answer/s!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2006): Ever thought to just start masterbating while he lays there; let him watch.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2006): Hi there,
Thanks nobody for your reply, buts its easier said than done... why do they need the feel for power though, why cant it be a natural balance, its real hard with its not an equal footing and they cant see it!!! Will try but its hard to take the focus of the sex...
Thanks
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female
reader, nobody +, writes (30 August 2006):
Hi there,I know where youre coming from as my boyfriend does exactly the same thing, and with him ive come to realise that its a power thing. He has to be in the driving seat. Maybe its the same for your man? And also, think about it - you say yourself that its come to the point where you are 'nagging' him. There is nothing in the world that you WANT to do when youre being nagged. If I was being nagged and under pressure to spend loads of money on designer clothes i would probably go off doing it. Ialso think that you should have a go at being uninterested, not being available. That will redress the power balance. Dont cheat on him, I think you'll regret it hugely.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2006): Thanks for your replies, I have tried abstaining from sex, but maybe not for long enough... I dont think the fact that I mention it all the time helps, but how can I take the focus off the sex for a while, im sure it would come back, just that its almost like ive said to him often enough that the sex isnt happening and its kind of brow beaten him ? Almost to the point that its kind of like you have to have sex with me, its not normal if you dont etc etc and i sit there expecting him to jump me all the time. How can i stop myself being obsessed with not having sex at the moment as its kind of taken over, i think its more than nothaving sex with him im getting angry becuase were not and then cant see why he doesnt want to...how can i take a back seat easily and allow him to come to me ?
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female
reader, katty +, writes (29 August 2006):
it seems as though he likes doing things his way and when he wants to do them. maybe it's time you said no. i know you want it and i know it's driving you crazy, but how do you think he would feel if the tables were turned? maybe next time he jumps into bed without his pijamas and demands a good time you say "i'm tired" and roll over turning out the lights as you go.this will take alot of will power on your part and i understand your body may be screaming for you to do the oppisite and grab what you can get but if you wnat him to get the cravings he has to be denied. and i don't belive any man can go so long without getting any. it's clear he needs it on a regular basis.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2006): How does he have a higher sex drive but only touch and reach for you once a week? That is odd.
It sounds like you are caught up in replaying out a past childhood issue; neglect or abandonment occured and you didn't get the attention you wanted/needed from Mom of Dady and now you hope this relationship will have the desirable outcome.
Sweetie, he could just not really have the sex drive you want and need. That could just be how he is.
Think it is time to take this to a couple's counselor.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2006): Thanks for your speedy response camille, But I think now its turned into pressuring him and its like its a duty rather than a spontaneous thing... I am very disheartened, but am bothered about bringing it up again as it does cause so much distress and he thinks im constantly nagging him. I guess I got to way up the pros and cons and maybe one day it will click into place... it is so hard, we do compromise on so many other things its just this.. maybe i took the rejection to far and latched onto it and turned it on its head, so now its kind of a bad place, really am stuck as i guess i paint a harder picture of him than needs be, its probly both of us but is hard to get the right balance without him thinking here she goes again and just feels cornered... really dont know what to do!
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female
reader, camille  +, writes (29 August 2006):
 Right, there are a couple of things here that are off...... You say that he claims to have a higher sex drive. Er, how does he work that one out?! The other thing is you have sex when he wants it. Relationships are about compromise and just because he knows you'll be up for it when he wants it, why is it always just when he wants it? That's not fair and an imbalance. It's a control of power too. Are you absolutely certain there are no stress issues, tiredness etc as you say it used to be great? It sounds as though you have talked to him several times and that doesn't seem to be getting you anywhere, but you need to talk to him again. If it's every other week. It is a shame that you mention cheating THREE times. Maybe the lack of sex is making you question your compatibility after all....? I don't belive in "Soul Mates", I think it's something we kid ourselves about to validate how perfect our relationships are. He doesn't sound like your ideal if he's not prepared to give and take. (No pun intended! Sorry).
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