A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts and uncles. I have found myself in a situation that I'm sure is common but I feel a little trapped and sad at the moment so some advice would be good.I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, and during that time most of my girlfriends have found partners too. However one by one they have all pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth and I very rarely see any of them now. I have always been the one trying to arrange girls nights out or activities for us to do together, but most of the time they say they are too busy to make it and promise we'll do it another time. Which never happens.I do have a few female friends at work, and I go to a dance class where I know the girls in passing, but while I would class us as friends, we're not really close and I wouldn't feel I can confide in them or anything. The problem is, me and my boyfriend are not getting on well at all at the moment and it looks like we are heading for a break up. Im obviously really sad because we've been through a lot together, but I'm also sad because I feel like I don't have anyone to turn to. I don't have anyone to call or do anything with aside from my family. I think this might be why I've held on to the relationship for so long - because he's all I have - which I know is totally unfair.I am trying to make new friends but I'm really quite shy and I've always struggled to connect with people when I first meet them. People tend to take a while to warm up to me then they become really good friends, but now I'm out of the uni environment I don't get a lot of chances now for relationships to develop.Has anyone else gone through this? I feel like if I reach out to my old friends they will say they will say they are too busy as usual. Plus I can't exactly confide in my work friends either, it's not really appropriate. So do I end my relationship and face things completely on my own? I feel so scared and alone right now.
View related questions:
a break, at work, shy, trapped Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (1 November 2013):
 You will be fine. End the relationship, it's holding you back.
First you must stop putting up barriers for yourself. Being out of uni is no excuse to not make new friends, and the only one who is stopping you from making new friends is yourself. You must be proactive in your own life.
You can make new friends anywhere and at all stages of life. You just need to change the method. I recently moved to a new city, and I at first tried to join in as volunteering, because that tends to lead to some friendships. I'm not a social person by nature, so I have to be very proactive about this. I call it "forced socializing". It's like going to the gym, you actually have to put in an effort and give it all you've got, before you see results. And it wont necessarily be an easy ride either, you actually have to put in the effort it takes.
Volunteering often does the trick. But that ended up fruitless for me. Turns out the friends I did make were like your friends, "too busy" to meet up, and they were all occupied with their boyfriends. An attitude I don't care much for.
So I thought to myself, there must be other people who want to meet more people to befriend, or do activities together with. So I did a quick google search, and don't know you know I found the perfect site. For free, and people signed up looking for new friends and company for different activities.
I recommend you find an activity you like, preferably something that requires contact with others. Not only does that open up to meeting new people, it also allows you to spend time NOT thinking about your boyfriend.
But let me tell you about the girls I met through this site online. They were all in different situations, but two of them were recently out of a relationship. A relationship that had lasted years, in which they put their men on a pedestal and cut out all their friends. Then the relationship ended, and they had no friends left. Many had moved, others were in other stages of life (children, married, what not). Because they hadn't put friendship as a priority in their relationships, they had not made any new friends over the years. Sounds familiar? And all their old friends.. well, they had drifted apart.
So, the lesson here is to NEVER put a man first in your life. It's a matter of putting one self first, and friendships are important to have a good life. Once you enter a new relationship, no doubt you will, don't forget this lesson. Keep your friends close, contact them often, and always continue to make new friends. Never shut in with your boyfriend and make him your entire world.
Now these two girls I met, they're doing great making new friends. I've introduced them to all my friends, and they continue to meet new people on their own. They're out there, they're the same age as you (29), and they're fine. You will be fine as well.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (1 November 2013):
 when my first marriage broke up I felt all alone and friendless as we had all "couple" friends...
I went to a woman's support group meeting.. just to see what was going on... this was 1989. I met a woman... to this day she is my BFF and I would literally die for her or she for me... we've been through hell and back together several times.
I suggest that you find a few new groups to attend... maybe a hobby you like or a reading group or such. perhaps you could try to ask someone you like in dance class to go for coffee or something to cultivate new friendships...
do not stay with a partner because you are afraid to be alone.
...............................
|
