A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner and I have been together for over 2 decades. We became best friends and a year later, we had fallen in love. It was wonderful. We shared everything together. Couldn't wait to see each other at the end of each day. We've been living together for half of that time. Sadly, we're a far cry from what we once were, but through the years, we've always been a team. We are absolutely dedicated loving pet owners and we've run a business together.Despite this, most of the time, these days, I feel lonely and unloved, but I even feel guilty and self involved for typing that out. We are no longer affectionate with each other at all. The intimacy/general physical affection (once there for many years) became something I solely initiated that was never reciprocated. I was afraid of losing that side of our relationship but I was the only one making an effort and so I just gave up, and it totally disappeared. It didn't seem to bother my partner so I just adjusted to life without it. After all, it's only one part of a relationship, I told myself. We had the strong foundation of friendship.The problem is, the physical intimacy not only disappeared, but I feel, in the last few years, that my partner hates the sound of my voice. Tonight, we were eating dinner and watching a documentary and I paused it to pass a comment on the show, and my partner let out this loud sigh, like it's just a laborious effort to listen to anything I have to say. I might sound sensitive, but the problem is, my dad always treated me that way. TV always came first and I always felt like the pain in the ass he was stuck with. I feel that way now.. and it's ironic that it was once the strong compatibility as friends that brought us together. I can be neorotic at times, so I tell myself what's happening is my fault.For years, my partner and I shared common interests and could talk bout all sorts of things. Now, I struggle to find anything he'll enjoy discussing with me, without looking obviously irritated and cutting me short. He was once a very caring guy, but there's a coldness to him these days. I try to tell myself he's got a lot on his plate workwise, but I do worry it's frustration and resentment toward me. I'm looking for work at the moment and he's supporting us, but I do everything round home and contribute in every way except financially. I make beautiful meals on a budget and don't ask for money for anything. Just wanting to clarify I'm not a high maintenance partner asking for money etc.Anyway, that's all I can think of to share. I do my best but in my gut, I feel I'm no longer what he wants. Bit scared but would be keen to hear your thoughts. Because I've been with this man so long, and there's so much history, it's hard to know what I can do to repair things or if I should be walking away. I do so many little things to show I love and care.. and feel unappreciated and redundant. Problem is, I have never told anyone any of this because I worry I'm overthrinking things and feel talking about it to anyone would be a betrayal to my partner. Please share any thoughts.
View related questions:
best friend, money, unloved Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2022): Well it seems He doesn’t appreciate you as a husband or friend. I mean how often does this happen? Maybe he is just going through a rough time, but that doesn’t excuse his rudness. If you think he’s worth it Talk to him abt it and if he still acts the same leave his ass
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2022): What i don't understand is why man court a woman and let her fall in love to him then after a years of being together, they will just change! What happen to this, i love you and i wamma be with you forever and etc. They knew exactly to have a woman, it needs effort, attention, love, emotionally support even yes" also a financial assistance to let the woman feel, hey, my man is spending, sharing and not greedy to me financially. These are old system in a relationships and it didnt change even now!!!
Married or just live in partner, yes i agree,man feels no much responsibilities in the relationships then. But hey Man! Don't you think after those long years being with this woman, you once courted and promised to be with deserve to offer a marriage? I mean to say, don't you man, owe that to the woman too? She stayed with you, give their time, life,i mean of course man too, but is that a man suppose to do?
Man should not say he love the woman and wants to be with her, and just let her be in this tittle PARTNER!
I know some man, marry a women, give everything, spend everything and then she cheated on him. Then they got divorce. Then this man, find another woman, who is sincere to him, he is not even oblige to spend money to her because she earn just the same like him, but this man, doesn't wanna mary this woman and let this woman just be in this tittle a partner!
Many women's is fine being in this position, but there's also a lots of woman wanna be called a wife!
Im sorry, i just mention this because of the other advice wrote here.
Back to you girl.. If i were you, i will not Insist my self anymore. Find a job, get your own money, show him you can stand for your own and live your own. Sometimes, man think, because they are the ones who provide, they can just do what they want. And it's unfair. Let him do his laundry too, give him this responsible to cook too for both of you. Let him feel you're just a woman too, a person too, not only someone, he think just somebody who cook and cleans for him... If he don't change, girl! Life is short! Don't spend the rest of your life begging for those attention, which is Normandy given free from your partner! If he is greedy to that and let you already feel unwanted, move out girl! Go find someone's who can fulfill your needs! Man" a woman doesn't need much attention in bed! They don't ask much about sex! But they need love and affection too! Think also about your mothers even a sister! Woman's are all the same! Either they are tough success woman or a woman relying on you man, still, they need love and affection... Don't be with a woman if you cant stands it anyway!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2022): When people use the generic-term "partner" it is difficult to distinguish if that person is your boyfriend, or your husband.
Being unmarried-partners is not the same as being a married-couple; even though people want to believe this status is interchangeable and one in the same with marriage. It is not! Even if you have children.
Maybe you did not exchange vows, it is not recorded on public record, it was not officiated before witnesses; it IS still a monogamous and committed-relationship, by it's nature. It's on the honor system, held together by open-ended promises. A far cry from what marriage entails. A married-man has a different mindset and obligation to his partner; from a guy who can just pull-up roots and leave at anytime he pleases. He could leave everything behind with no legal repercussions. His sense of moral-obligation is altogether different; and his responsibility to make the relationship work is not centered on tradition, legalities, and moral standards. He has no rigid set of laws or rules to live-up to, and neither do you.
The relationship lasts as long as both parties agree to be together; and can part whenever both agree to do so, with few or no legalities to be considered. What's yours is yours, and what's his is his. The law recognizes little or no rights in joint-ownership or offer no spousal benefits to someone who isn't your spouse, or legal next of kin. If the relationship becomes unloving, lacks affection, or the partner becomes indifferent; you can literally pack your things and leave. You can seek an attorney to untangle whatever joint-accounts and shared properties you own; and try to reach an amicable agreement through legal-settlement or lawsuit.
"I can be [neurotic] at times, so I tell myself what's happening is my fault."
This statement is subjective. There is no way to determine exactly what that means; or to what degree you may be oversensitive, anxious, irrational, or paranoid. Do you think therapy could help? It covers too much ground; and nobody reading your post knows you. We are getting a one-sided story; and without his side of it, we don't know exactly how he is affected by your anxieties or behavior. We can offer nothing but guesses and speculation. Finding fault and blame isn't always the problem. It's how you communicate.
Time places wear and tear on even the best of relationships. When we are getting older, everything is subject to change. Time, trauma, stress, and experiences affects our behavior in various ways. We bear emotional-scars from the past, and we grow internally discontented without sharing all the details with our partners. They may have a lot of annoying habits, or have a variety of quirks we grow increasingly irritated with; sometimes even to the point of intolerance. For the sake of peace, we may just bear with it; but everyone has a saturation or breaking-point. Patience wears thin. We may respond directly, passive-aggressively, angrily, or infectively.
To properly grow and maintain our relationships; it has to be a conscious, well thought-out effort to sustain the harmony and peacefulness. We have to watch our words. Think, then speak. That takes a lot of patience and practice. You won't always get it right. If you never try, things will only get worse.
I think he may feel just a little stressed financially. Hiding the fact he is worried about you, and a little annoyed when you keep bringing it up. He has his own problems he may be internalizing; and it doesn't leave room for added stress. He buries himself in TV and denial. Seeking asylum and relief.
People seek their escape through entertainment; and many become addicted to gaming or watching TV. Of course, it can be irritating; if you're in the middle of a program, and your partner decides he, or she, would like to have a deep discussion about the state of the relationship. It can be distracting and annoying; if there are random and frequent interruptions for no apparent reasons.
It can be quite infuriating; when you suddenly change your mind when you are given the floor and the opportunity to say what's on your mind. It gets quite annoying when you complain frequently over petty issues; or you can go-on forever, without getting to the point. Then communication becomes awkward, or difficult. The listener becomes ticked-off, disengaged, and shuts it all down. It becomes difficult to resume future communication; because it's predictable you'll beat around the bush, whine, will not get to the point; or you're repetitive over the same issues that never really get resolved.
You need to find the right time and place for heavy discussions. You should find a peaceful setting to have a talk. If you've got a grocery-list of complaints; I will tell you as a man, we do not like overly-emotional and heavily critical exchanges. They instantly turn into arguments. He will in-effect avoid all conversations; if he senses they are a prelude to a complaint that will subsequently lead to an argument. He knows you, and he knows how you communicate. By conditioning, predisposition, and experience; he will avoid deep discussions about the relationship. Effective-communication is essential in every conceivable kind of relationship we could possibly have. Be it romantic, family, or job-related. Over-emotionally expressing your grievances and complaining are the most difficult types of discussions we can have with our mates.
Appoint a time and a peaceful place to have a calm and in-depth discussion about your feelings and needs. Make it absolutely clear, it will be a two-way discussion; and you will hear him out as well. Ask him to give you the opportunity to speak, and promise to get straight to the point; and absolutely swear the discussion will not escalate into an argument. Don't tell him that, and lie about it. He will shut you down indefinitely; and will avoid deep discussions with you, because he knows how they always turnout. Make ground-rules for discussion; that no-one interrupts the other when speaking. Do not be longwinded, or have some long list of complaints; because he will walkout mid-discussion. Be composed, and be an adult. Your tears and acting-up will immediately slam the door. Tears are often used to manipulate, or characterize you as some kind of victim. If he doesn't abuse or mistreat you, dramatizing and overreacting will get you nowhere! If it's that bad, then you should leave him.
You need to talk and determine if he still wants to be in a romantic-relationship, or has it now turned completely platonic? He may stay for your sake, or feel obligated to help you; but he doesn't want you to be financially (or emotionally) dependent. Sometimes our partners have changed, because we have changed; and they have to adapt to their environment. For some that is easy, and for others it is very difficult. Aging and changing is difficult dealing with on a personal level; but adapting to the aging and changes in another person is a whole different ballgame. We're only human, we have faults.
You are older now. Maturity changes us, and it can redefine or alter our tastes and behaviors. Physical and mental adjustments due to age, may inhibit or alter our romantic and/or emotional responses. Time sometimes works in our favor, and sometimes it works against us. Neither of you are whom you used to be. He may be growing cranky with age, and you may be growing more mellow and layback. He may tire of some of your old habits; but knows it will be a knockdown drag-out argument, if he should dare be critical of them. If he has been too critical over the years; then you've become overemotional and hypersensitive to his complaints, so nobody wins. Your feelings matter, because you can openly express them; his don't as much, because men are conditioned to internalize ours.
You see, you consider your expressing your feelings about the relationship to be a way of making him aware of your needs; and what you're missing in the relationship. When he voices his concerns, you may feel he is criticizing you; and has hidden negative-feelings behind everything he says, and it must be much worse than he is admitting. Yet at the same-time, you don't want to hear it; because you can't bear it. This is how couples destroy their line of communication.
If you need to talk, ask him nicely to have a talk. Rehearse in private what you'd like to discuss, and make a short list of your needs or concerns. You can't change years of life together overnight. Some things may never change, some may take time; but you can compromise or negotiate.
You have to reset your priorities; or you must decide if the relationship has finally runs it's course romantically, but the loving-friendship has remained fully intact. Then you have to accept the realities of life; for the better, or for worse. If he feels only platonic-friendship towards you, but that is not enough; then you may have to separate and be friends. It would be difficult to live together as friends, if you start dating other people. Then jealousy and pride will become issues that will strain the friendship.
You may also be sensitive or ashamed of being unemployed; guilt will make you feel you're not doing enough, and you will project those feelings onto your partner. If that isn't true; then naturally he will become annoyed with you about it. Once you have a good talk, trust and truth will be reinstated.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2022): testing
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2022): You two need to talk openly.
The way he acts shows how dissatisfied he is.
There are many possibilities as to why that is. And nobody can guess.
The fact that he stopped showing interest in you physically is pretty telling. He either started having some issues in that department that make him insecure or he's not attracted to you anymore. I'm sorry if the last bit hurt you feelings. It is not my intention. It does bring up another question. If he has no problems jn the bedroom and he's not having sex with you, whom is he having sex with? He's not necescheating on you, but he has to have his needs met.
This thing about TV you mentioned... by itself it really is not a big deal but in the context you have provided here it shows that he has no problem showing how annoyed he is by the little things you do. By doing that she wants you to stop acting the way you do, stop expressing yourself when you want to... basically be the least visible.
All relationships lose a great deal of passion over the years if partners don't do anything to feed it. Your story sounds as if over the years you turned onto brother and sister. You need to talk with your husband openly. Let him know that whatever he feels and he has to say is OK. Even if it will hurt you. Truth is always better.
You say you have a business together and then you say that you are out of work. I didn't get this. How long have you been out of work? Could this contribute to your issues?
And btw I also do not get you not asking him for money - the asking part? Don't you guys share your budget? Why would anyone have to ask for money?!?
You having to ask is pretty weird! And also not asking for anything isn't going to help you it is only making you forget your own needs and making you invisible. Nobody deserves this!
You need to talk to him and understand what is going on. The worst scenario may be that he wants to leave you but can't and that's something you must know to prepare! Because once he gets over whatever it is that is blocking him (emotionally, financially, socially...) he will leave you out of the blue.
As I said in order for him to tell you the truth you must be calm and show him that he has the right to feel the way he does. Otherwise he will lie to avoid confrontation.
Lastly, if he is incapable of talking about it, doesn't want to do anything about it (like going to couples therapy), you'll have to make a decision. Do YOU want to live this way?
Become as independent as fast as you can. Finad a job. Strengthen your support network - friends and family. Get all the help you can get like from a good therapist. Don't use it but get a contact of a good lawyer. Actually you can use it to get informed about your situation.
All of this will make you feel stronger.
It is what it is. Don't be passive!
...............................
|
