A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi ladies and Gents,My fiance is 22 and i'm 26 in a couple of weeks.my relationship lacks intimacy, I am feeling frustrated and rejected by her.we have sex once a week, if that. the times between sex are becomming further and further appart. she wont let me touch her, she just wants to cuddle all the time.i take her on days out, cook for her try to make her feel loved and laugh, we go out with friends or we have nights in with takeaways and wine. i tell her shes beautiful everyday. we have nicknames for eachother, pillowfight, i pick her up and give her big bear hugs. she just dosent seem interested when it comes to intimacy, i stroke her back, she tells me off. if i spank her bottom (which she used to love) she gets really upset now and its rare that i do it. I try in every way to make the first move - she says tired, not interested or just plain no. she never makes the first move - she thinks its the mans job, i dont want to have that job because i keep getting rejected.recently she has asked me why i havent been intersted in sex iv told her "because i keep getting blown off, im not allowed to touch you, iv lost interest" she just says "ok" and does nothing to fix it.she also says porn is a deal breaker - Incredibly frustrating, she wont service my needs or wont let me do it myself. yet when we started this relationship it was sex every night, she would encourage me to touch her boobs, caress her body and spank her bum etc. then it was suddenly no sex :/Any advice on what to do? I dont want to leave her because she is a lovely woman and treats me as well as i treat her, but without the intimacy. which is the main issue. she wont let me tackle it and when i speak to her about it she either clams up or says "but you are allowed to do that stuff, Im just tired when you try it on" she wont do it in the morning because "it will be in her knickers all day" -sorry to be graphic, when we do have sex she will only do missionary, she used to let me do allsorts, she used to strip dance fr me, now she wont let me cum on her body or anything its in her or nothing.in the evening she says shes too tired and just wants to cuddle, when we do she just falls asleep or she watches programmes i hate so i get bored and restless. when i ask to put something we both like on - she says "shh im watching telly" or when i try it on - "im watching telly, stop"she asked me why i dont try it in the middle of the night anymore - so guess what? i tried it in the middle of the night, several days - she rolled over "im sleeping, get off" what else can i do? am i missing a trick?sencerely - frustratedps shes off the pill - been off for 3 months
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female
reader, R1 +, writes (26 November 2013):
 She is your fiancé ie you have already given her the commitment she needs so she sees no reason to try that hard anymore! She comfortable, relaxed, you are friends. You can't change her sexual needs. Choose either marry the woman you love the way she is or don't marry her and find someone else.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (26 November 2013):
 Been there; done that.
Your story could have been written by me, two years ago. I didn't understand why things morphed in to what they became (just as you've described)... But, I made a few attempts to talk about the matter.... got nowhere.... then gave up expecting that there could BE any intimacy (as you have).
After a frustratingly long time (4 years!)... I told myself that things weren't going to change.... that I could neither change things, nor acclimate and adapt myself to the "new reality" (of the "relationship").... so I said "Good by" and went on my way....
Happy ending: I soon met a lovely lady who DOES have a healthy libido... and we've enjoyed these last two years immensely.... (... and it looks like we'll have a terrific future, as well).
Good luck....
P.S. You call this girl your "fiance"..... I assume that you won't even DREAM of going through with a marriage until and unless you can reconcile this. IF she should tell you, or imply in some manner, that going through with the marriage will, in fact, change things and make them "all better," then she will be B/S-ing you... and you'd be a fool to fall for that....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2013): I feel your frustration!Your fiance is not being fair at all. It's all about her and that won't work long term. We need to consider our partner above ourselves, and treat others as we would want to be treated. She is young enough to not have a libido problem, especially as initially she was as excited in being intimate as you - this tells us she isn't always like this, only now. So what has changed? I believe you will need a heart to heart with her, at the right time. When there is quality time where you can go into detail about how you feel, and try and ascertain where she is at. Plan a time where you know she won't be in a rush, where she will be awake and in good spirits to talk about something serious, like your relationship and your future together.In the discussion, share how YOU feel - don't accuse her, don't make her get defensive, just share how YOU FEEL. Nobody can argue against how someone feels. Say how you feel frustrated most of the time, and rejected, because the intimacy has dwindled so much, yet you are still as interested as in the beginning, and that you are saddened by her seeming disinterest. Not wanting you to touch her, why? Is something painful? Is it because she knows if you touch her, it leads to intimacy and she doesn't want that, why? Ask her to share with you, how SHE feels. Where is she at? What are her goals? Is she working or studying? Is there more stress? Aside for going off the pill, what else has changed? Does she feel more moody? Irritated in general? hormones off wack? Ask her if she is still happy with you? Being with you? Wanting a future with you? Is there anything you're saying or not saying? Doing or not doing? Where can you improve? What is her opinion on the relationship?[From everything you have shared, it sounds like you do EVERYTHING RIGHT] It really sounds like the problem is with her, but she needs to share what is going on.Why DID she go off the pill? Was it her choice, or did she have to? Did she do it so you can start preparing for children? If so, was it her choice, or yours? Maybe she isn't ready and is scared of falling pregnant so is avoiding physical intimacy or anything closely resembling it in case...However, there is more to this!TiredNot InterestedNoGRRRRRrrrr just not good enough! When you love your partner, and are equally attracted to each other, this should not be the case! No matter how tired, it's always awesome to get that intimacy only being with your partner can bring. There is the quickie if you're that tired!Not interested - why? Is there something that happens during it she doesn't like? Something you have done and she hasn't forgiven you for? If she believes it is the "man's job" she will never change, so despite being rejected, you will have to continue soldiering on when you think you could get lucky ;-) however, I still insist, have that heart to heart, it will change everything, good or bad.Porn is a deal-breaker? yet she won't help you, and won't let you help yourself. In that case, I don't think porn is a deal breaker - so is lack of intimacy!!! You're in a relationship, not living with your sister or best friend. This item can be reviewed when you have your heart to heart - that if things don't change, she can't insist this is a deal breaker!The bottom line is this: If she won't change, even if you have your heart to heart and she doesn't share why, or won't change - you have to decide: I love her enough to want to continue in a future with her, without intimacy, OR, I am too frustrated and a life like this is too hard, and you will need to walk away. those are your choices, IF she doesn't or isn't willing to change things.It shows you how different people are! She doesn't want "it" in the morning as it will be "in her knickers all day" yet someone like me would LOVE that, as it would be taking my man with me all day around where I go ;-) See - it shows how you feel about the person and the intimate things. It's a personal preference though and you can't compare, but just shows you how different people can be! The other strange thing is that she insists in only one position now, unlike before. Again, this might be related to not wanting to get pregnant, it really sounds like it. Ask her! If it is that, then just go back to how things were until SHE is ready to get pregnant. If she stopped the pill for other reasons, then she should see her GP to find out what is going on with her hormones, etc.I just read your post again - I don't think it's about getting pregnant, otherwise she would not mind where you "cum" unlike before. I wonder if the change came after you got engaged? Does she now feel "safe" and can insist on things HER way because she has "caught" you?Why I say this - it's also shown in the tv preferences - with my man and I, we BOTH choose what we will watch, it's not only him, or only me, that chooses. It's mutual time together so both should enjoy it. We pick mutually enjoyable shows! Even if I'm watching something and he gets home, I don't continue watching something that only I like - I'll either continue seeing it when I'm alone again, or if it's nearly near the end I catch him up and we see the end together. There is ALWAYS CONSIDERATION for your partner!!!Yep, you need to address this before things get even more out of hand. Share how you feel, even our comments, and let her realise there is TWO people in the relationship, and to consider your feelings too. I would not proceed to marriage with this fiance situation as it is! You can be treated MUCH BETTER that this! Good Luck, I hope she is willing to listen, interested enough to care, and touched enough to change - for your happiness and the success of the relationship, and it's future!Anon11
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2013): I wasn't able to figure out a time-line here. Are you living together? How long? How long have you been together? How long ago did she start weaning you off sex? How long was she on The Pill? I'm asking because if you could "make" a time-line for these things happening, you might find a pattern. The Pill may have something to do with a diminished sex drive, but I don't think that's likely. That's only because most people I know, The Pill kills their sex drive and getting off of it increases it. It's possible that she's apprehensive about being engaged, about living with you, about how marriage will change the relationship ... any of those things could be part of the underlying problem (that's why I asked you for a timeline).have you asked HER to initiate sex? I know she thinks it's your job because you're the man (that kind of makes me go "What?! but anyway ... ), but if she were the one initiating it, you would at least know she's interested. You tried to talk to her, but she kinda closed the conversation down. I don't like the idea of dumping someone who won't have sex, because sex isn't supposed to be central to the relationship, but that is what makes the difference between "committed relationship" and "just friends". It really just sounds like a control thing to me, it's not fair for only one person to call the shots.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (26 November 2013):
 A frank discussion is required and she needs to understand that being in a relationship includes sex and ensuring your partner is happy.
You could suggest that if this continues , you will consider moving out of the bedroom. If she reacts indifferently, then there is a serious problem in the relationship and you need to revisit whether you accept a relationship with minimum intimacy.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (26 November 2013):
 "Any advice on what to do? I don't want to leave her because she is a lovely woman and treats me as well as i treat her,. . .what else can i do? am i missing a trick?"
One of the major difficulties in giving advice is that the person needing advice rules out the advice they need in the first sentence of their request. Now that I have that gripe off my chest lets get on with as much advice as you will accept.
There are two ways to deal with this situation, the direct method and the indirect method. The direct method involves a confrontation where you actually explain to her that the behavior is not acceptable and not what you are interested in in the long term. It assumes that she is deliberately weaning you away from an active sex life. The risk is that she will accept the ultimatum and decide that she is unwilling to provide your needs and dissolve the relationship. The indirect method assumes that she has become bored with you. The lack of sex, initiation, and variety are because she views sex as a chore and not as mutual pleasure. The goal of the indirect method is to get her interested in you. You get a hair cut, new clothes, work out, and in general man up and make yourself look like the best "catch" you can manage. There is a risk that she will accuse you of cheating, so it would be wise to plan time away from her to be with a reliable witness.
About the pill: Is she off the pill because she finds that it is spoiling her desire? Is it because you have decided together to have a child? Is it something she did on her own without consulting with you? I would be very cautious with sex in this situation. I would advise you to use protection every time. Two methods which would be condoms and spermicide. Because from an outsiders point of view your relationship is not ready to go on to marriage or children.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 November 2013):
 Are you two trying to have a baby ? Is that why she is off the pill?
If it is, then you two need to hold off an making a baby til the relationship is back on track. And don't get married BEFORE you two have sorted this out.
Seems like she has all the control. She says porn is out, she is always turning you down and when you tried to express how it felt she said OK?! and that was that?
You really need to sit her down and talk. Ask her why sex is less important to her now, because it makes YOU feel like YOU are less important.
Could be that being off the pill had changed her hormone level and that in turn can change her libido. Or she is just setting in to a comfortable (for her) routine with less sex. Maybe she is trying to have a relationship where SEX isn't the glue. Or maybe she doesn't like feeling pressured to have sex.(not saying that you ARE pressuring her, but that might be how she feels) Also does she have more stress in her day now? Work/school wise?
As for not having sex in the morning.. Well, can't she clean up and put on fresh panties? That is the worst excuse I have ever heard (It'll be in her panties all day".)
As for the "she watches programs I hate" well, then pick up a book and let her watch her show, no you don't have to watch something you both like if she was ALREADY watching her show(s).
You two really need to talk.
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