A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am at the receiving end of an RJ of my husband...I have not seen any posts on what those at the receiving ends should do???? because we suffer a lot and dont know how to deal with it cos we dont understand wat is going on in the insides of our partners.My husband has tried separation it has not changed him, now he wants a divorce.......i told him it wont change anything that he should try and get help of which he completely refuses to do and prefers to deal with it on his own...I am afraid for him because even if we are not together it will still come up in other relationships....My case i feel was not fair as i asked him before we got married wether he could deal with the fact that i had a relationship with someone he knew when we were not together and he said he could.but a few weeks to the weddding someone told him things of which he beleived and confronted me as to asking wether the relationship we earlier discussed about was sexual...I did not respond as i was surprised he would ask me that kind of question??and beleive wat people say over me.Since then he has deliberately made the marriage a living hell for me after 3 yeras we have not consummated the marriage as he refuses to touch me ...i am lost for words We have a son as i was pregnant before the marriage.Now he has to continually see me for a long time due to our son how will he see me or him and feel inside?I love him very much and feel pity that he is throwing a good thing away that he may never find in life again.Some one please tell me what to do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2009): I feel for your position and I sort of understand his. I understand trying to deal with RJ.
But he sounds pretty far off the deep end here. No sex for 3 years? That's probably a guy who wants a divorce.
I don't know how he is gonna deal with this w/o therapy of some kind. Probably never will. Maybe he doesn't wanna do therapy but it probably has to happen. Nobody who is healthy upstairs is gonna get married and then not wanna touch his wife for the next 3 years. Even he should be willing to admit that much.
Either way, he doesn't sound like he wants this marriage fixed.
A
male
reader, rcull  +, writes (16 October 2009):
 My wife deleted nearly 2000 photos and destroyed many memories in our home because of RJ. She included things dealing with my ex-wife, but did not stop there. She also included items dealing with exchange students, my best friend and even my oldest daughter! My experience is that there are many other problems beneath the surface. If he chooses to get therapy and begin recovery GREAT! But you cannot make him. If he refuses, cut your losses. Life is short and happiness in short supply.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2009): Oh my goodness, 3 years with no sexal contact because he's so mad at you? If it's possible, you need to get that man to a therapist. That's some SERIOUS anger. I can't imagine what you could have done BEFORE you met him that would have made him react that way. I don't have all the details but I have a psychology degree and I know this type of long-term grudge-holding comes from very deep, hurt feelings (that most likely existed before he met you) that will need to be addressed in his life. Find a lawyer who refuses to take the divorce case until you've seen a counselor!
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