A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help Please.I've bee with my boyfriend for 11years now. We moved in together about 5 years ago. and been engaged for 6years. Now here's mt problem he won't set a date. He says we are soon. But then he says its just a piece a papper and that he loves me and can't see him self w/other girls. We've been together when we both were in high school and had nothing. Now we both have really good careers and a house. So what's his problem?His he seriours about us getting married or am I just wasting my time? I want a family I want to get married to some one who has as much drive and goals as I do.Please help..thanks
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 March 2010):
 You already know what the answer is. You have already had a trial separation. He is not willing to offer what you need. He is throwing around ultimatums. Take the job and make a clean break. I hate to see such a long term relationship go, but he still after 5 years thinks in terms of yours and mine. If he can't think in ours, he isn't serious about getting married. Which was your first question. What he will do when you take that job offer is a complete mystery. He is very comfortable in the current situation and the typical male reaction would be to resist change. I'm not sure how he is going to work that. He seems to have painted himself into a corner.
FA
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (17 March 2010):
Firstly, strong-arming him down the aisle by setting a date and a dress is not a way to begin a lasting marriage. He has to be the one pushing you and excited about it all. Plus marrying a stingy man? While you are dating it may be ok, but once you have a family and kids and he won't cough up it will be a huge problem. I seriously think you need to reconsider whether or not you should be with this guy. I know you love him but he won't propose and he won't even pay for a wedding. He sounds selfish. While he may be wonderful in other ways, perhaps he is boyfriend material but not husband material. I suggest you call everything off for now and move on with your life. When he is more excited and really really into you, he will give you a call.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFA, Thanks so much for writting back. I see your points as very valid. Thanks a lot.
You did mention that maybe I should set a date I have & even put down on a dress & a hall. Were suppose to get married this past summer. Well we didn't get married I couldn't afford it ALONE. That's right I said alone. He never offered to help pay or put any money at all in to the hall. So we didn't go through with it.
We have the seem religion no problems there at all.
Families get alonge. & he gets alonge with mine & I get alonge with his.
I can see where your coming with the money issue. He does see things as what's his is his & what's mine as his. We do not have an equal reltionship money wise.which sucks & can be hard to deal with. I have told him about that & it kind of goes in one ear & out the other. Oh well.
As for the whole deviorce issue. I come from a divorce family & do not want that for myelf or my family. Divorce is out of the question for me. His parents have been married for over 30years. A there happiely married. & he doesn't fear divorce.
I'm so sorry this is way my complicated & I thank you for your advice. I just needs to know what I should do walk away or stick it out. & I don't have much time to make my mind up. I've been offered a job out of state & need to answer them asap. & he's told me if you move were done. But I think were basically done anyways cause he won't marry me or help me.Thanks so much for your help.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 March 2010):
Thanks for writing back,
Now I'm wondering what could be his problem, and why the nastiness. You didn't mention what you want in a wedding. Some women believe that a year is required to plan a wedding. They wouldn't consider going to a local justice of the peace and signing the forms a real wedding. Of course there are many levels between those two extremes. Many guys have PMS (Parting with Money Syndrome), if you are thinking big wedding that alone could be putting him off.
Another idea I have had is the fear of marriage. Many people have had such bad experiences in their lives with divorces that they get a very real phobia of marriage. In effect Blaming the wedding for the troubles that came at the other in of the marriage. Like many fears this is irrational, and can be self fulfilling. His reluctance to marry has almost broken your relationship before the marriage.
The next thought I have, is that there could be a religious conflict. Depending on your religion and level of involvement, there could be something he is hiding that he would have to resolve before a church wedding. That should probably be discussed with you before any marriage, but a non church wedding could sidestep the issue temporarily. It would depend on how you feel about it.
That leaves the prenuptial agreement. The best way to handle that is to get your own lawyer and get it drawn up. Then he can take it to his lawyer for modifications if needed. That will get the ball rolling, and should make him feel safer. If that is what is holding him back.
You are doing all you can to push him along. His reaction to it could simply be a pride thing, He is pushing back simply because you are pushing. If that is the case you need to team up on this. For example you say he hasn't and won't set a date. Why should it be him, The date is something you two should set together. Could you suggest a date? Then work around any objections he might have. Remember if you are waiting for the day that will be convenient to everyone in both families it will never come. Some people will have to make sacrifices to be there, and some will not be able to.
Personally I agree with your stance to hold off on children until this conflict is resolved and you are married. I'm old fashioned that way. This problem needs to be tackled by both of you working as a team. If you try to nag him into doing it, it won't work. The experience of solving it together will bring you closer. You need to stop thinking of it as his problem, and he needs to stop thinking of it as your agenda. Instead you both need to see it as an impersonal barrier that you need to overcome as a team. This will be difficult, because you are already in the habit of blaming each other.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your advice. I've actually have done a lot of the things you all said I should do. I sat him down told him I need to know where we are going. & of course got no clear answer so I moved out in July got an apartment. To show I'm seriours & would not let him stay over & the other way around. I upgraded my looks to where now he's like wow you look so pretty. As for children he has told me on his own before I moved out that he is ready for them then & now. But I won't be with him until were married. Of course he gets very upset & gets a real nast asttitude with me. But just like you guys said I have to put my foot down & that what I tell him
We do go out together & seprately. He says he lives me & he can't see himself with anyone else. So I'm still wondering what is his problem?
Thanks for all the advice!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (15 March 2010):
What Angzw says makes sense based on the theory that a man is not going to pay for a cow when he is getting free milk. Beware that you are playing with fire trying to get him jealous. It can make a mess.
Your Question "So what's his problem?" is quite telling. Here area few possibilities. 1 he doesn't want to go through the hassle and expense of a big church wedding. 2 He doesn't want children. 3 He is afraid that you will take all of his possessions in a divorce. There are more. You do need to determine what is holding him back. Then you could find a way to overcome his reluctance. A prenuptial or agreeing to a small wedding. If it is the children he is afraid of then you probably have been wasting your time, sorry to say.
When you ask if you are wasting your time, I get nervous about the trial separation idea. In your mind it will be a pre-divorce, because you are already thinking he is not right for you. Five years living together is long enough if you are both agreed on children you are right it is time to move on.
I generally disagree with the "it's only a piece of paper" argument because, if it just a piece of paper then sign it and go on. It's not the paper that is holding him back. He found it easy to be committed to a long engagement and a house purchase, so could it be the commitment? He has a really good job so I'm thinking he is ok with wearing a suit.
What he is doing is unfair to you, and this is why. He can father children when he is sixty, but you have about 5 good years left. There is no more time for you to put it off.
FA
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (15 March 2010):
You being available to him all the time has put him in a comfort zone. How you can solve this problem depends on how much you want this. Because you have been together for so long you might need to upset the boat a little. I would suggest one of two methods:
1. You ask for a brief separation for a month where you tell him you need time to just reassess your life. Tell him you feel things are in a rut and you just need your space to figure things out. Then just move out or ask him to move out. During the separation limit communication, don't answer or return 90% of his calls. But when you do speak to him, be cheerful and friendly and refuse to discuss relationship issues. If he tries to propose during this time, don't rush to accept it and let him know that he should not be forced into it by your absence.
2. You remain living together but you put as much distance between you and him as possible. Upgrade your appearance, arrive home after him looking like a million dollars, if you get home before him then be asleep by the time he gets home. Ignore him as much as possible but remain cheerful. Just act like you have a life to live that's not going to wait for him. When you start pulling away, men start pursuing you more for sex so you have to decide what you want to do. Perhaps be less responsive and make it clear that you didn't climax from it.
I'm assuming that you have already made it known to him that your current status quo is unacceptable. If he still dithers about it then just do option 2 and if it still doesn't work, try option 1.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (15 March 2010):
 The problem is that he is already living a married life with you and he does not see why you need to get married now.
You need to convince him why you need to get married and to have that paper to legitimize your marriage for legal purposes .
If you want to get married, you will have to insist on it .
What if he does not want to and leave ?
You will have to decide if that piece of paper is worth the hassle.
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A
female
reader, usach33rx33 +, writes (15 March 2010):
 11 years is a very long time and 6 years of being engaged is normal. you shouldnt think of it that he is holding back, it could be that fact he doesnt want to make a mistake or that he is scarred of comittment. i would tell him what you said in your question, that you have goals, you want a family, your ready for the next stage in your life. You said" he thinks its only a piece of paper" wich seams like an exscuse and he doesnt find marrige important or even a privalige. He's happy where he is at and doesnt seem to want to move on because he can also be scarred things will "change". if you guys have been comitted to eachother and havent had any severe problems in your entire realationship it could just be nerves and gitters, although he can be waiting for the right moment... i dont personally know him so i'm not positive i hope i helped at least a little. i would just talk to him more and more tell him how important getting married is to you and where you hope to go with it.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (15 March 2010):
You've been with him 11 years... you answered your own question... WHY should he change whats worked great for over a decade?
Sounds like you missed your window... you may need to be prepared to find someone who you can wed a bit faster than 11 years. Sit him down, talk to him... tell him you're at the point where you need a commitment from him or your relationship is done... then be prepared to end it. If you play this card and then fail to follow through you're done... he'll NEVER take a demand seriously...
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