A
female
age
36-40,
*liantha
writes:So. I had a ridiculous crush on this guy I knew from school who then moved fairly far away, we got intimately involved, considered getting into a relationship. I visited him later, to talk about it, and found out after two days he'd found someone else. I was heartbroken, but immediately resolved to change my life--I threw myself into my studies, and regained my confidence in myself, and was convinced I was over him. I met someone else--cute, charming, trustworthy, funny. We started dating, and fell in love. Months later, something made me realize I hadn't actually gotten over the other guy, and still loved him. Since my boyfriend and I were perfectly honest with each other, I told him about it; he was understandably upset. Ever since then it's been a problem--we have continuous long fights that we both feel bad about, and I'm at my wits end. I want to be in a relationship with him, I love him a great deal, and we're a better couple than I could be with the ex I can't seem to fall out of love with--not that I'm not trying. Every time I think about the ex, I try to get it out of my mind, and fill it instead with activities and planning fun things to do with my boyfriend, but my boyfriend just can't seem to leave it alone. And I can't seem to get rid of the feeling.Like I said. Wits end. I have no idea what to do now. Any ideas?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aliantha +, writes (20 June 2007):
aliantha is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer; I completely agree--I need to get closure. My real question is, how do I get closure here? There was never enough of a 'relationship' per say for me to realize anything but if I did date him it would most likely not work out. We live far apart, and he's not interested in a long distance relationship and moreover claims to be entirely self-serving; that he would date me if I was close and available, but not if I wasn't. In fact, if we did date, and I had to move away, that'd be that, and no regrets.
I can plainly see that we're just not compatible like that, and I can't act the same way--that is, just dropping attachments if they become inconvenient. So where's the closure? I've tried shooing him out of my mind any time I think about him, and filling my life with activities I enjoy that occupy my mind.
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (20 June 2007):
 Of course your bf can't leave it alone. He now knows that he can never fully trust you, or ever build a future with you. You just told him that dispite your time with him, you are still in love with someone else. What did you expect?
The issue here is CLOSURE. It is one thing to still carry a torch for someone, but entirely another when there is NO CLOSURE...because no closure means there is a constant threat to the relationship. You have just told your bf that he will never be able to fully trust you.
I think you two should break up, and you should seek closure on this past crush and get it out of your system once and for all. The life of your future relationships depends on it.
No high value man would ever tolerate his primary partner to be in love with someone else.
-Frank B Kermit
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