A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HI AllI am a 30 year old male, good physical condition. When I was 22 I strted having erectile problems, which at the time I assumed to be from cycling. In the past 8 years I have been with about 8 women. Every single time with them I have an erection which lasts a bit, it is decent, and then after a few minutes it fades. I struggle with sensation then and I cannot orgasm. In those 8 years I never had an orgasm with anyone.Recently I started dating a woman. In the past with all other women I would after a short while fade, and then obviously, because I am scared they will leave me, resort to oral sex. So I would continuously brign them to climax, and be left alone on the side.I have been having major emotional problems with this. With my new girlfriend I have managed to have a few orgasms but few and far between. Then I am very eager to please her. If I cannot come, I hate to pelase her. It sounds very selfish but I actually cannot stand it anymore, being on the outside all the time and "servicing" someone. Initially when I told her I cannot do this anymore, she was upset. Now she is better with it. This is likely to be my longterm/marriage partner.What concerns me a lot is the emotional aspect. I have told her in the past I cannot emotionally handle servicing someone, if I cannot be part of the sex. I have trouble with eredtions allt he time, and actually I don't know where it is going, or whether there is a problem. I have been checked out but results are inconclusive. THe urologist said due to my high anxiety sex therapy is good. I will be starting that now.I told my girlf friend that I will only be able to make love, and not sex if thigns don't work for me. For me making love does not have a goal but only involves closeness, some penetration, but that is it. There is no need for either partner to orgasm. We tried a vibrator, but I do the same thing. I am the outside party, servicing someone as I always have done and I cannot stand it anymore.So the point is, I can make love, but I cannot stand being an orgasm slave and satisfy her. I do not know how long this wll go on. I spoke to her about his numerous timeas, and she said she is fine with that. She can get herself off in her own time.This sounds terribly selfish, but I cannot offer more. I have realised that. I cannot always be on the outside of a sexual relationship.I would just like advice on what I can do. I will be using medication, but soemtimes also wonder where my problem is going ie whether it is physical or mental. And I find it terrifying that perhaps somewhere down the road, it will not work for me, and I will have to resort to manual and oral stimulation and sit out all the time. I know I will not be able to cope with this.Thank you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2008): hiNo. If I cannot perform, I will simply not please someone else all the time.I actually do not care what anyone says in the end. I understand what love is about and it has nothing to do with orgasms as such. I have a psychological deepseated problem with oral sex and vibrators as I have been "doing" girls for the last 9 years of my life. I cannot cope anymore. I cannot cope anymore sitting on the outside and always pleasing someone else.In this case my opinion would be if an orgasm for the other party is an obligation for a relationship - I am out of there.I am frankly quite tired of this sex obsessed world. Everything is about lust and pleasure and not about closeness. And if it is like that, I will move on and find the right person.Good luck to you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008): You say you saw a urologist and tests were inconclusive. What exactly does that mean? Was your testosterone level in the normal range? Did he prescribe any of the erectile dysfunction drugs that are on the market? If so, did it help? Are you in good physical health? Do you consume a lot of alcohol? If the urologist couldn't find a medical reason, perhaps it is anxiety. Maybe you are stressing yourself out over this so much, that you cannot perform. Sex therapy may help with that. The fact that you have had some success, leads me to believe that you can be helped.
As for servicing your partner, that is hardly "the outside of a sexual relationship". You are still an active participant. Aren't you? There's still kissing and touching and pleasing going on. The only thing missing is YOUR orgasm, which seems to be what is bothering you. If, for some reason, it turns out that you cannot perform regularly, you'll need to re-define your sex life. There is still fun to be had without penetration. Denying your partner, however, should not be an option. You will lose her in the end if you do. I hope you can work out all of your issues in therapy. Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (22 August 2008):
 You're smart to be working with a medical provider, and probably a counselor as well, to try to attack this problem. Such problems are very complex and have to be dealt with on many levels Your medical people will be able to help you through and get you to your peak performance. It may be that your girlfriend will need to get involved so that the two of you can work on some aspects of the problem together. If that happens. don't be afraid ... just face things as a couple and realize that you're working toward making everything better for both of you.
One thing that sometimes helps non-professionals determine whether there is a profound physical cause is to watch what happens during sleep. If you have solid erections during sleep, or wake up with them, even once in a while, there is obviously nothing deeply wrong with your physical systems that is preventing you from achieving an erection. Knowing this can help give you the confidence you need, to enable you to work on the other possible causes that could be behind what really is going on.
A couple of tricks you might try in the interim.
First, there is absolutely nothing wrong with oral sex, either way. If it gets both of you to orgasm, where's the problem?
Second, many women seem to enjoy even a brief period of conventional intercourse immediately following her orgasm brought on by oral or digital manipulation. It usually doesn't have to be very long, either. Probably something you could manage. Many of them just seem to like the additional intimacy of it all. Try it and see how your girlfriend feels about it.
Even if pills (viagra, etc.) don't make you last all that much longer, they usually will make you get back in the mood almost at once if you lose your erection. Sometimes you'll find that if you pace yourself, things will work out. Go almost as long as you can, but stop just before you know you are going to lose it. Wait a minute or two until you're ready again, and then have another round, repeating the process. You'll find that with the proper medication and managing things carefully you can usually stretch this to a dozen bouts or so, and it will often bring you to orgasm by the time you've done it enough times. (Hint: your DIET when you take viagra is important ... avoid grapefruit, and only eat low-fat before and for quite a while after you take the pill. It seems to affect the workings of the medicine. Not sure why, and your mileage may vary.) Oh, sometimes the woman will need extra lubrication for these marathon sessions, so have some handy. Water-based lube is best.
And one more trick I've used in the past when I've known I just wasn't going to make it (Hey, I'm in my mid-60's. It happens!) I think of myself as a conductor, and my woman's body as my orchestra, and I try to get the very best performance out of her that I can. The best and most orgasms I possibly can. The most pleasure. Whatever I can do the make it a real masterpiece. Just totally concentrate on making it good for her. Just be a master at his work. Yes, I won't get my own pleasure this time. But I do get the real satisfaction of doing a job better than I've ever done before, and knowing that there really isn't anybody in the world who could do it quite that well with this particular woman because I know her body so well and know just what to do to give her the most pleasure.
And I KNOW that when the time comes she'll be more than willing to do whatever she can to see that I get mine as well.
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